


Unbreakable Bonds

by TiredofOldUsernamesMF



Series: Rakret H'ssti'er Verse: The Continuing Adventures [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Julian Bashir, Cardassian Culture, Dukat is a shady motherfucker, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mystery, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Smut, Subplots, Suicide Attempt, Top Elim Garak, but not very much, but this fic doesn't switch them oops, evil incest vibes, or desire for it at least, overprotective lizard bfs, they're switches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:49:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 43,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25227082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiredofOldUsernamesMF/pseuds/TiredofOldUsernamesMF
Summary: After being kidnapped and tortured by Enabran Tain, Julian struggles to recover. Garak struggles to help him, coming from a society where recovery isn't really a thing.Meanwhile, Kira gets involved in a mystery involving a missing woman and learns far more about Dukat than she ever wanted to.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Rakret H'ssti'er Verse: The Continuing Adventures [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827664
Comments: 85
Kudos: 70





	1. Precious Jewel

It’d been three months since Enabran Tain had kidnapped and tortured him, but Julian still wasn’t feeling very well. Sure, he’d been able to return to work and life appeared to progress as normal, but he found that he had less energy after work than normal and he often found that sleep only made him more tired.

Julian’s counselor said that, because he buried his trauma during the day, his subconscious mind brought it out at night. But, he couldn’t address that during the day. There was work to be done. He had to be Doctor Bashir, Chief Medical Officer and there was no to time be Julian, He Who Still Carried the Mark of Enabran Tain.

That mark. Tain’s pheromonal mark that he left when he…Julian wasn’t sure whether he could say Tain raped him. There was no penetration, he was never made to touch Tain, and Tain never touched him anywhere more intimate than his bare chest. But, he looked. Julian kept his eyes closed, but Tain watched him. He said he was. He watched him struggle and fall apart when he revealed that he knew his weaknesses. He literally got off on it. It wasn’t physically painful, but it was disgusting, terrifying in its way. Elim referred to it as rape, so maybe it was.

Whatever it was, it was more than unpleasant.

Julian still had Tain’s mark, because he hadn’t had sex with Elim since before the kidnapping. They both agreed that he wasn’t ready for it. Julian wasn’t comfortable even being seen naked. He and Elim no longer took showers together. Due to the heat of Elim’s quarters, Julian had often slept naked or in his underwear, but now he covered himself completely, potential hyperthermia be damned. He couldn’t stand to be looked at, not even by his lover, someone he knew would never hurt him.

And then there were the nightmares. Julian was disturbed to find that he apparently had a very dark imagination. He often dreamed about Ortek Devar, Tain’s lackey. Ortek wanted him and Tain refused to share. But, Ortek tried to take him. Julian wasn’t sure how far he’d gotten. He’d activated a pain implant in his chest and drugged him as a distraction. He dreamed often that he’d managed to get further, twisting his already broken legs around his shoulders, holding him down, forcing himself inside him without warning… 

But, Elim had saved him, in a state of mind called Rakret H’ssti’er, he came for him. He killed Ortek with his bare hands. In some of the dreams, Elim would save him like he had in reality. In reality, Elim often saved him from the nightmares.

Elim took very good care of Julian after his ordeal. It seemed that the protective instincts that Cardassians felt towards their mates also included a desire to heal and comfort. They were aware of fear as well as pain. Elim always seemed to be awake and alert whenever Julian had nightmares. Although, the fact that Julian would often scream to wake himself up might’ve had something to do with it. But, he only did that when he knew he was dreaming. These nightmares usually weren’t that lucid.

But, Julian would wake up to the feeling of cool fingers in his hair and the sound of whispered words, often in Kardasi, that he couldn’t quite understand before he was fully awake. The words would switch to Standard shortly after, though sometimes there was a confusing combination of the two.

“JUllin…Wake up now, dearest. The dreams can’t touch you. They’re only ghosts. Ka n’ssti’I, JUllin. Nu ha’a’I. Nu ka bre tascerd’U. Tasces ka bre’U.”

Julian always found Elim’s words comforting in these moments, whether he completely understood them or not. He also thought it was kind of sweet that Elim had developed a sort of pet name for him that they sometimes used in private. Elim thought that the name Julian sounded like the Standard word “jewel”, combined with the Kardasi suffix that meant “dear” or “valued”. Combining the two, the Standard and the Kardasi, created a name that sort of meant “precious jewel”. It was sweet, surprisingly sentimental for Elim, but he wanted to show his affection in what he thought was a “Human” way, something individualized. So, Julian was sometimes “JUllin” in private.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Elim had learned that talking helped Julian, sometimes.

“Ortek…It was Ortek again. I dreamed that you were too late.”

“I very nearly was, and I’m sorry for it.”

Julian had had this dream before. It was one of the more common ones.

“I have to keep reminding myself that he’s dead. I’ll never see him again.”

“Tain’s probably dead too.”

“But Dukat isn’t.”

Julian couldn’t forget Dukat’s role in everything. He’d kidnapped him and tried to prevent people from searching for him. Before that, he’d threatened and intimidated him. It didn’t mean anything, but Julian was still nervous about him and was not looking forward to the day that he’d inevitably see him again.

“If Dukat comes anywhere near you, he’ll barely live long enough to regret it.”

“You can’t kill him, Elim. In the current political climate, it could mean war. Either way, you’ll certainly be punished for the murder and I don’t want you to go to prison. I’d be separated from you, and that would make me feel even more anxious than having Dukat around.”

“I know, but what’s the Standard phrase? ‘A man can dream’.”

“You’ll be having better dreams than mine.”

“My dear, my dreams have never been any better than yours. All my life, Tain has been following me, along with so many other people. Recently, I’ve often dreamed of when Tain wanted me to hurt you. I dream of having no choice. I could hurt you worse than Tain could.”

“But you wouldn’t. If it’d come down to it, you would’ve been gentle. If you’d been forced to do it, I wouldn’t blame you. You wouldn’t have raped me. Tain would’ve done it again through you.”

Elim kissed Julian’s forehead, where a chufa would’ve been on a Cardassian and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. This sort of touch didn’t bother Julian. He didn’t like being touched on his chest and arms, but Elim’s hands on his back were nothing like Tain’s or Ortek's. They never touched him there.

So, Julian rested his head against Elim’s chula, his favorite place, and fell back asleep, surrounded by warmth that would kill for him. Strong hands drifted over his back and more soothing words drifted into his ear.

“Go back to sleep, dearest. You’re safe now. I’m here. I won’t let you be hurt. No one will hurt you.”

Julian was vaguely aware that most of Elim’s words were translations of what he’d said before. Then, he was only aware of a peaceful darkness. He didn’t dream again.


	2. Representing Cardassia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak tries to get through his day, but a mob of Klingons and Gul Dukat both seem determined to ruin it.
> 
> OR: This chapter covers Way of the Warrior Part 1, skipping over major plot points under the assumption that anyone reading this would already know them.

It really had begun as an ordinary morning. Garak, having noticed the abnormal presence of Klingons on the station, had made sure that his Julian got to work safely and then went to breakfast with Narin and Odo, his friends. He had actual friends. More than one friend. On a Federation station. He didn’t know whether this was a good or a bad sign for him.

Young Mursa was at school. Yes, Narin saw no problem in letting her attend school with Federation children after being raised on Cardassia for most of her life. She no longer had her false Cardassian ridges, so he perhaps thought she’d be accepted as one of the Bajorans. But, Mursa hadn’t accepted herself as a Bajoran yet. She’d believed herself to have Cardassian blood and was raised among people who did. Garak had been present in the infirmary when Mursa first saw her purely Bajoran reflection. Narin was there too, of course, and he noticed that the girl’s reflection upset her.

“You look well, Mursa. What’s the matter?”

“I don’t look like you anymore.”

“You still look like my daughter. You’re the same Mursa I’ve always known.”

That cheered her up and she ran into his arms.

Mursa was all Narin ever wanted to talk about. Her Bajoran features meant that she’d never belonged on Cardassia, even if she didn’t notice. Her father was really all she had. He’d kept her isolated for her own safety, educating her by himself instead of sending her to school. Since he was fond of Bajoran art and poetry, he made sure that she was at least somewhat familiar with some aspects of Bajoran culture. She was fluent in the Bajoran language and had some idea of who the Prophets were, even though she’d thought of them as imaginary creatures. Her new Bajoran classmates didn’t know what to make of this. Mursa had mentioned that some parents had told their children not to speak to her.

But, Mursa seemed to be happy. She liked to draw, creating boldly-colored patterns that she said represented various things, often abstract concepts like “peace” or “time”. The Devar family quarters was covered in framed pictures. Narin wanted to encourage her talents, even if her style was a little strange.

“See how those red and blue circles are facing each other? It’s a battle. The blue circles are the Prophets and the red circles are the Pah-Wraiths. The white circle between them is the wormhole. I was explaining Bajoran theology to her and she drew this while I was talking. It’s her way of taking notes.”

“Quite creative. Narin, have you heard from anyone on Cardassia recently? All my contacts have been silenced.”

“I’ve heard a bit of news from Kelas. The Obsidian Order is pretty much gone. Whoever didn’t die fighting the Tal Shiar has gone into hiding. The Dominion must know what happened to their plans. Kelas himself is still a prisoner of Gul Dukat. Well, he’s not exactly a prisoner. Dukat refers to him as his personal physician and he travels with him. But, normally Kelas acts as a physician for any other prisoners Dukat might take.”

“Prisoners of Central Command?”

“I’d assume, but there are others. Before he was put in charge of the Bajoran Occupation, Dukat was warden of a prison facility on Letau. He still visits the facility regularly. Kelas hasn’t been able to give many details, but Dukat often has him assist the current warden, mostly reviving prisoners who’ve attempted suicide.”

“So Dukat has him doing favors for an old friend?”

“Perhaps, but when does Dukat ever just do favors for people if there’s nothing for him to gain?"

“I'll have to keep that in mind. We should head to the Replimat. Odo is probably waiting for us.”

“When one can’t eat or drink, it must be uniquely awkward to sit alone at the breakfast table.”

And that’s how the day began. Garak and Narin discussed their findings with Odo, who often had useful advice when it came to these sorts of cases. Garak normally wouldn’t be so indiscreet, but once Narin started talking, Garak couldn’t stop him. He really was the most un-Cardassian Cardassian that he’d ever met.

Before Garak went to open his shop, there was a small problem with two Klingons on the Promenade. They were naturally a bit skeptical when it came to a Changeling being in charge of station security, but they seemed to be just as uncomfortable with Garak and Narin.

So, Garak really shouldn’t have been surprised when the two Klingons came into his shop with a few of their friends and beat him into unconsciousness. He managed to stay conscious long enough to try out some of his best Klingon insults, hoping the damage it would do to their egos would last longer than the damage they were doing to his ribcage.

Well, that’s how he explained it to Julian when he woke up in the infirmary. A customer had found him unconscious on the floor and he was revived only a few minutes after losing consciousness. Having not had to experience pain for many years of his life, Garak found that he still handled it quite poorly and was glad that the infirmary appeared to be mostly deserted, meaning that the only witness to his loss of dignity was someone who wouldn’t use it against him.

“Deep breaths, Elim. I’ll get a hypo ready.”

So, two hyposprays of painkillers and several repairs of broken bones later, Garak was back to making clever remarks, trying to reassure his Julian that nothing was wrong.

“So, do you think this attack was about you being Cardassian, or about you being you?”

“I can’t think of any reason why this would be personal. I’d politely suggested that two of them follow Odo’s orders as Chief of Security.”

“Perhaps they were offended by your politeness.”

“Klingons aren’t _that_ barbaric. Still, what would they have against Cardassians? Outside of minor border disputes generations ago, the Cardassian Union and the Klingon Empire have always been fairly neutral towards one another.”

“You conquered the Alpha Quadrant, they conquered the Beta Quadrant, and no one stepped on anyone’s toes.”

“Exactly.”

“Elim, promise to be careful. If these Klingons are hostile towards Cardassians, for whatever reason, they might kill you.”

“My dear, I’m always careful. But, I can assure you that it’ll take more than a few angry Klingons to kill me.”

Garak wasn’t completely sure of that. Klingons were very good at killing. But, he didn’t want Julian worrying about him all day. They both had work to do and neither could afford distractions. Julian had patients to heal and Garak, along with his usual work, had to figure out what was going on with these Klingons.

Things only got more confusing when a Federation Klingon arrived. As Federation allies, they could apparently work for Starfleet. Garak did his research and found out that this particular Klingon, Worf, son of Mogh, was actually raised by Humans, meaning that his personal morality seemed to be a strange combination of Federation and Empire. His code of honor was a personal code, not based on family or tradition, and honor to him meant fair play by Federation standards, though he was slightly more prone to violence than those standards would approve of.

It was this Worf who found out about Klingon plans to invade Cardassia, partially because they believed the Union had been usurped by Changelings during a recent coup, and partially because they were bored of playing nice and wanted an enemy to kill. Perhaps the Romulans just weren’t willing to play with them.

Well, one thing led to another. Julian made sure that the Cardassians were warned about the conspiracy, preventing Captain Sisko from following the typical Federation protocol of doing nothing. Garak hadn’t asked Julian to represent Cardassian interests and he suspected that even without Garak’s influence, he’d do it to be kind. He was more Federation than the Federation, and that did appear to have its advantages.

Garak was surprised and disturbed to find that, when he tried to alert Cardassia’s civilian leaders, he was met with Dukat, who had gained even more power. The civilian and military branches of the Cardassian government had combined after the coup. But, the worst part of the conversation wasn’t Dukat being smug about his job. He had far worse things to be smug about.

“So, how did you happen to obtain this information?”

“I have my sources.”

“In the Klingon Empire?”

“If I did, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Starfleet, then. Did your dear doctor give you access to Federation secrets? If he’s not careful, the poor boy might be branded a double agent, representing Cardassian interests over those of his own people.”

“What point are you trying to make, Dukat?”

“I’m simply curious. That’s all. After all that nasty business with the Obsidian Order, it’s a miracle he hasn’t taken his own life!”

“He hasn’t forgotten that _you_ were responsible for the kidnapping and that Ortek Devar was _your_ agent.”

“And I haven’t forgotten that _you_ were responsible for Devar’s death.”

“Look, we could sit here all day going over the reasons we hate each other, but I’m afraid there isn’t time for that now.”

“Yes, I should probably be going. Cardassia must be warned of this new threat.”

“Goodbye, Dukat.”

Garak cut communications before Dukat could respond. He’d done his job in protecting Cardassia. Though, if Cardassia was in the hands of Dukat, it was in trouble with or without the Klingon threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm throwing in some more beta canon references. If I hear something interesting, I throw it in. That's where the Letau prison thing comes from. Something that happens post-series in beta canon, I won't say what, will happen a bit earlier here under different circumstances, leading to different results.


	3. The Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has to face Dukat again, Garak has to aid him in battling Klingons, and Kira hears something that appears to make him uncomfortable.
> 
> CW: Dukat is in the chapter. From here on out, that's basically it's own warning. Here, he's just mean, but he's in the chapter.

Julian was not afraid of Gul Dukat.

Well, that’s what he intended to prove to himself by going out on the _Defiant_ ’s mission to meet up with him and his friends in the Detapa Council. Captain Sisko had some idea of Dukat’s role in Julian’s kidnapping, but the Cardassian government hadn’t allowed him to pursue the subject any further. Dukat had gotten away with it, at least for the time-being. The Captain had promised Julian that he’d face justice one day, but it wasn’t a promise that he could really keep. It was purely for Julian’s comfort. Julian decided not to tell him that it wasn’t as comforting as intended.

Honestly, Julian wasn’t interested in justice or vengeance regarding Dukat. He just wanted him to disappear. He didn’t want to see or hear or think about the man who set him up to suffer as a petty strike against his lover. From what Ortek had said before he died, it was clear that Julian had been set up for even more torture than he’d faced in reality.

_“Tain wouldn’t let me have you. Lok wouldn’t let me have you. But, Dukat said I could have you.”_

Dukat had handed him over to both Tain and Ortek and Tain’s pride was the only that stopped them both from having him.

But, now what? Dukat was the only one of the three who remained. If he hadn’t gotten his way, he’d try something else, wouldn’t he? Maybe his new political duties would distract him. It’d make him feel important and he just wouldn’t care.

It was Julian’s job to conduct blood screenings on the Detapa Council, to make sure that they weren’t Changelings. Dukat was the only one there who resisted. 

“I find this whole procedure offensive.”

“And I find you offensive. Now, hold out your arm, or I’ll have a security officer do it for you.”

Dukat cooperated, but he didn’t do so peacefully. The man seemed to run on spite.

“So, I spoke with Garak earlier.”

“I know.”

“I suspect that you were the one that made our meeting possible.”

“Go ahead and suspect that.”

“I just want to thank you for protecting Cardassia. A twenty year alliance with the Klingon Empire destroyed, all to help us.”

“It was Captain Sisko who made that call, not me.”

“But you put the idea in his head, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t do it for you, Dukat. And before you accuse me, I didn’t do it for Garak either. I did it for the innocent people on Cardassia Prime that were unprepared for war.”

“How thoughtful of you.”

Julian waited for the inevitable moment when Dukat would taste the air with his so’c. Since he needed to open his mouth to talk, he seemed to do it mid-sentence.

“That’s funny. That’s not Garak’s scent on you. It’s similar, but there’s something off. Has something come between you two?”

“Are you simply incapable of minding your own business?”

“Let’s be frank, Doctor: I know exactly what happened to you and whose mark you currently carry. I have to admit that it’s a bit of a surprise. It’s been quite a while since all that business with Enabran Tain. You’d think Garak would’ve taken you back by now.”

“We both agreed that it would be better to wait.”

He shouldn’t have responded. He shouldn’t have given Dukat any information about his personal life. Julian realized too late that Dukat had been trying to get a rise out of him and he’d taken the bait without a second thought.

“How do you know that this wait won’t be a permanent arrangement? Perhaps this is Garak’s way of letting you down gently. Nobody wants something that’s been used and thrown away by someone else after all.”

Julian knew that this was nonsense. Dukat was annoyed with him and wanted to hurt him. But, like any other time someone wanted to hurt him, he couldn’t help it that it did. He didn’t believe Dukat. Elim didn’t feel that way about him. But, being seen as "damaged goods" by anyone hurt.

But, Julian Bashir was a professional. He got his work done and waited until he had a moment alone to fall apart. There had been a lot that’d happened in the past three months that he hadn’t really discussed with anybody. Not Elim, not his counselor, no one. No one other than Elim and Narin knew about the sexual assault that was part of his torture. Only Elim really knew about the content of his nightmares. But, he never told anyone about the reactions he’d gotten after his relationship with Elim became impossible to hide. His friends stood by him, but many people just living on the station were offended. He’d heard stories of collaborators during the occupation, mistresses of Cardassians among them. Those who’d lived on Terok Nor before it was liberated were reminded of those people when they saw Julian with Elim. They saw a man who gave Federation secrets to a Cardassian spy who’d seduced and manipulated him.

The strangest thing of all was a group of Bajoran women he’d often see in Quark’s bar. They would point at him and refer to him as “The Tailor’s Tora”. The last word didn’t translate, so he had no idea what they meant and he wasn’t comfortable asking anyone.

Julian didn’t understand why this was all hitting him so hard right now. He knew that Dukat’s insults were lies and the whispered insults on the station had nothing to do with anything he was experiencing at the moment. Perhaps it was just seeing Dukat and being unable to do anything about what he’d done, to him, to Elim, to Narin, to Mursa, and to so many others.

“Has it been assumed that I’m not important enough to replace?”

Julian turned in the direction of the familiar voice.

“Doctor Parmak!”

“Hello again, Julian. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep Dukat off of you. If I’d known about the blood screenings, I would’ve handled his personally.”

“I don’t think you would’ve been allowed.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Elim told me that you were working for Dukat now.”

“It was the only way to avoid a death sentence. He needed someone to help him with some work behind the scenes and believed that he could bully me into doing his bidding without question. Still, he’s not stupid enough to leave me alone anywhere.”

“May I ask want sort of ‘behind the scenes work’ he’s had you doing?”

Parmak’s smile faded in an instant.

“Watching his prisoners suffer, mainly. There’s one, a young lady…I can’t give this information to just anyone. I shouldn’t have even told you that much.”

It sounded less like he couldn’t reveal the information and more like he just didn’t want to talk about it. Julian could respect either explanation.

“I understand.”

“Anyway, I’m certain Dukat will dispose of me eventually. I know too much to be allowed to live for very much longer. He’ll find a replacement and that will be the end of my life. I really should get back to him. He might find it suspicious to see us talking alone and the last thing I want is to draw his attention back to you.”

“Thank you, both for that and for talking to me. I feel a lot better than I did.”

“Making people feel better than they did is simply my duty, Julian.”

And with that, he was gone.

…

“Why was I not informed?!”

Garak had only just discovered that Julian had been sent out on a mission that would require meeting Dukat, possibly being alone with him. If he’d known, Garak would’ve insisted on accompanying him. Dukat might hurt Julian with his presence alone.

Major Kira and Chief O’Brien, those left behind in Ops, weren’t very sympathetic to his plight. The Chief, in particular, wanted to be rid of Garak as quickly as possible.

“Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean we have to tell you about everything he does. He had no objections to going on the mission when Captain Sisko brought it up to him. Sisko said that he needed Julian to come along to do blood screenings and he said, ‘yes, sir’.”

“Did it not occur to you that he might’ve wanted to avoid attracting attention to the issue by protesting the Captain’s orders?”

“Whatever his reason, that’s what he did.”

“The Defiant is on its way back now, very close to the station. You can ask him about it yourself around five minutes from now, give or take.”

But, those five minutes came with a red alert. An army of Klingons was boarding the station to attack. Everything was going straight to hell.

Julian got back to the infirmary before Garak could reach him. His job was to tend to the wounded. Garak, after grabbing one of the disruptors he kept hidden in his shop, intended to stand guard so he could do his job without interruption. 

Unfortunately, Garak was interrupted by Gul Dukat, and then by an army of Klingons. Dukat wanted to protect the Detapa Council. Garak wanted to get the horde out of the way between him and Julian. They realized, to their horror, that they’d have to work together to achieve their goals.

“Who would’ve thought the two of us would be fighting side by side?”

“Just be sure when you fire that thing you’re aiming for a Klingon.”

“I’ll try to keep that in mind.”

The Klingons preferred to fight up close with old-fashioned weapons. Garak thought he’d just be able to take them out before they got close, but there were too many. Dukat took a bat’leth from one of his kills and seemed to have great fun wielding it. They were both covered in blood. Modern warfare wasn’t supposed to be this messy.

“All this hand-to-hand combat is really quite distasteful.”

“I suppose you prefer the simplicity of an interrogation chamber.”

“You have to admit, it’s much more civilized.”

“There’s nothing civilized about what happened to my father in one of your interrogation chambers.”

“And if it wasn’t your father in that chamber, you wouldn’t care at all. You’ve done far worse than what I did to him.”

“Not in an interrogation chamber.”

“Of course not. You have people to do that for you. Ortek Devar, for example.”

“Not anymore.”

“That’s the second time you’ve sounded bitter about his death. I had no idea he meant so much to you.”

“We’d known each other for nearly forty years. We went to school together.”

“Somehow, I think this has more to do with me managing to thwart your plans than it does with the loss of an old friend.”

“They were Tain’s plans, not mine.”

“You told Tain about Julian. You sent Devar to work with him. When I killed him, he was disobeying Tain’s orders. But, he was your man. He wouldn’t have been disobeying any orders of yours.”

“Speaking of the dear doctor, I ran into him back on the _Defiant_. He seemed upset. I felt bad for him.”

“What did you say to him?”

“Why would I tell you and risk you turning your weapon on me?”

“Because I unfortunately can’t afford to stop shooting Klingons to shoot you.”

“I simply warned him that there was a risk of you losing interest in him without your mark. Your own father, yes, I heard about that, took him and used him and then offered him to you and you refused.”

“I refused because Julian wasn’t interested in those activities at that moment in time. Unlike you, I’m not so undisciplined in my sexual urges that I’d just take anyone and any time, regardless of their stance on the matter.”

“Name one person whom I bedded after they expressed any disinterest.”

“Loral Perin.”

He hadn’t had to think that over for even a fraction of a second.

“You never met Perin. How do you know she didn’t want me?”

“You killed her for having a child that wasn’t yours. She wouldn’t have had a child with someone else if she’d been interested in you.”

They continued to bicker throughout their fight with the Klingons until there were simply too many targets to focus on each other. There was a pause in the fighting when Garak noticed that Dukat’s back was turned to him. He was paying no attention. It would be so easy for Garak to shoot him, to end it now. He’d say that he was aiming for a Klingon and Dukat accidentally wandered into the line of fire. He’d get away with it. 

But, another wave of Klingons rushed through and Garak knew that he couldn’t fight them off alone. He was forced to spare Dukat’s life. All he could do was abandon him during the chaos of the battle and hope that a Klingon finished him off. Garak continued on his journey to the infirmary. He was done wasting time.

But, there were more Klingons. Garak shot at them as he ran, but he knew he was in trouble. He eventually found himself cornered by two of them. If he shot either one, the other would be able to move fast enough to kill him. Still, he tried his best. The first Klingon went down and his friend tackled Garak with his bat’leth, sinking the blade into his shoulder. Garak couldn’t turn around to fight fast enough before the weapon came down again.

But the killing blow never came. The Klingon collapsed on top of him, dead. He turned around to find Julian standing there with a Federation phaser in hand.

“First Odo and now you. I’m going to get a reputation for saving people at the last second.”

“And I’m sure you’ll let it go to your head.”

Julian ran over, putting away his phaser and getting out his medkit to repair Garak’s shoulder.

“So, I assume you rushed here thinking that I was the one who’d need saving.”

“I assumed you’d be in the infirmary.”

“I knew that few of the wounded would make it to the infirmary alive. I have my whole staff patrolling the station. Well, not my whole staff. There are a few nurses left to hold down the fort. Now, we were supposed to remain in teams of two, but my teammate is nowhere in sight. Your shoulder should be fine now, so how about you help me find him.”

Garak was once again fighting side by side with someone, but this time it was much more fun. Though he worried for his Julian’s safety, the young man was very skilled with a phaser and they seemed to be equals in combat. As long as he could shoot down the Klingons before they could reach his fragile body, Julian was perfectly fine. His helplessness in captivity before was most likely only due to him lacking a weapon.

Garak was surprised to find that Julian’s teammate was none other than Kelas Parmak. He remembered that Narin said he was working for Dukat, but he didn’t expect him to be this far away from him. He must’ve taken advantage of the chaos of the battle to escape.

“Parmak.”

“Garak. You look well, all things considered.”

“I don’t have to worry about my health these days. I happen to know a very good doctor.”

Garak turned his head towards Julian who smiled at him.

“Indeed you do. Now, we need to be going. There are people out there who need our help.”

Julian nodded and spoke to Garak.

“When we have to lower our weapons to tend to patients, you can prevent more Klingons from coming in to finish the job.”

“Yes, sir.”

Garak had never really seen Julian take charge like this before. He knew that he had to carry authority in the infirmary, but he’d never personally witnessed it until now. It was absolutely delightful.

So, Garak and the two doctors fought and healed their way around the Promenade and habitat ring. They all began to enjoy the excitement as the danger slowly lessened. When the battle was officially declared won, they’d circled back to where Dukat was guarding the Detapa Council. He was still very much alive, unfortunately. Garak had underestimated him.

Garak had nothing to say to Dukat. But, he wanted to make it perfectly clear that the Gul’s scheming hadn’t made him care for Julian any less. So, in front of several witnesses, Garak grabbed Julian by the waist and kissed him. Julian seemed to get the message, wrapping his arms around Garak’s neck, pinching his shoulder ridges.

… 

Kira was glad to see the day end. She didn’t appreciate having to stay in Ops to bid farewell to the Detapa Council. She knew that if she could see Dukat, then Dukat could see her. He was accompanied by a Doctor Parmak whom all the Cardassians on the station seemed to be familiar with. He sounded like a fairly decent person, at least for a Cardassian.

When Dukat appeared to decide that he simply couldn’t leave the station without bothering Kira, Parmak went with him. His eyes went wide when he saw her. Kira ignored Dukat and turned to him, confused.

“Doctor Parmak, right?”

“Kira Nerys?”

“Yeah. Didn’t Dukat tell you about me?”

“I saw you on Cardassia. It was just a few days ago.”

“That’s impossible. I haven’t been there in almost a year.”

“In Letau Prison. She looked just like you. She said her name was Kira Nerys.”

“I heard that some Obsidian Order agent was made up to look like me for some mission that went nowhere. Maybe it was her.”

Dukat didn’t seem to want this conversation to go any further, even if it meant not having a chance to properly harass Kira.

“Doctor, we really must be going.”

But, Kira managed to stop him for a brief moment.

“Parmak, that other Kira, how is she?”

Parmak said nothing, sadly turning his head away to follow Dukat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter had a bit of everyone. There's only one plot line left to set up before this thing can properly get going.
> 
> Please discuss in the comments what you think is going on or how you feel about any of these plots and characters so far.


	4. Gehra and ZIra (Translation: Love and Love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian returns from a mission after a fight with Miles. Garak tries his best to pick up the pieces.

It felt like things were just about to return to normal when Julian went missing for a week. Garak would later find out that Julian and Chief O’Brien had crash-landed on a planet where an independent group of Jem’Hadar were trying to find a cure to their addiction to Ketracel-white. When they found out that Julian was a doctor, they put him to work helping them. He was actually happy to be of service, wanting to help the suffering Jem’Hadar. O’Brien didn’t want to waste time on the enemy and planned an escape attempt, which led to him getting caught and things only getting worse.

Eventually, the Chief convinced Julian to leave and the leader of the Jem’Hadar, who wasn’t dependent on white and therefore a very different man from those who were, let them go. This was after O’Brien sabotaged Julian’s work to prevent him from wanting to stay behind.

Garak knew none of this when Julian finally came home. The young man was clearly exhausted, but there was something else to it. He barely responded when Garak embraced him and didn’t react at all to Garak’s insistence on checking him for blood, bruises, or scent marks that he didn’t recognize. When he’d done this before, Julian would insist that he was alright and wouldn’t hide any injuries from him. Now, even when Garak started to remove his uniform, he didn’t move. Once Julian passed Garak’s inspection, he had to ask what was troubling him.

“JUllin, whatever is the matter? You’re acting like you’ve fallen into some sort of trance.”

“It’s nothing.”

“That’s a lie and not a very good one. Either tell the truth or lie convincingly.”

“It’s Miles. He disobeyed my orders, destroyed my work, and then acted like he knew better than me. Sometimes he treats me like a stupid child. I knew what I was doing.”

“What were you doing?”

“Curing the Jem’Hadar of their addiction to Ketracel-white. There was one there who was born with an immunity, some kind of genetic mutation, and he acted unlike any Jem’Hadar I’ve ever seen. He was patient, he didn’t enjoy violence, he wanted to free his men from enslavement and prevent them from suffering. Without the white, Jem’Hadar aren’t just killing machines. If I’d been able to cure them, we’d have Jem’Hadar allies. It would cripple the Dominion’s military without a single death! If they tried to attack us again, we could turn their own weapons against them. I knew what I was doing! But, just because it involved being kind, Miles didn’t care. Why is it naive to want to solve problems without violence if possible? I didn’t join Starfleet to be a soldier!”

“I thought your Starfleet was the Federation’s military.”

“We can be, but most of us join to explore the universe, to help people, to better ourselves. That’s what they said at the Academy.”

“And yet, you all have military ranks. You’re title is Doctor, because of your specific profession, but you hold the rank of Lieutenant. If you were Cardassian, you’d be called a Glinn.”

“Elim, I know you think everything about the Federation is a lie and I’ve love to challenge you on that, but right now, I’m really not in the mood.”

“Then what _are_ you in the mood for?”

“I don’t know. I’m too upset to think.”

“Meanwhile, I’m just happy you made it back alive.”

“Miles said he had to do it for that very reason. He claimed that he betrayed me to save my life.”

“He had good reason to suspect that you were in danger.”

“But I wasn’t!”

Julian sat down on the bed and buried his face in his hands. Garak could tell that he was hiding his tears from him.

“My best friend betrayed me!”

“Like Julius Caesar was betrayed in that awful play you had me read?”

Julian looked to Garak, allowing him to see his tears. Garak didn’t know what he’d done to earn this. 

“Did you see it coming, Elim? Did you suspect that Miles would do something like this?”

“Well, I was surprised when he didn’t abandon you when he learned you were involved with me. I always thought that it was his hatred of Cardassians that would turn him against you.”

“Nope. It was his hatred for another race of gray reptiles. I don’t understand how he can hate so many people, just file them all together as The Enemy in his mind!”

“Cardassians are trained to do that with basically everyone. But, it does seem to be an odd trait in a Human, especially a Human that you could consider a friend.”

“Miles said that he used to hate me, but he doesn’t anymore. He almost said that he wished Keiko was more like me. He ended up saying 'more like a man’, but I know what he meant.”

“Are you saying that he prefers you to his wife?”

“I don’t know. He did say that people either love or hate me and then put his feelings for me as ‘not hate’. But, we were both drunk at the time. Neither one of us was speaking coherently.”

“He implied that he loved you while intoxicated?”

“That’s the second time in a row that you've responded to what I said with a shocked question that ignored all context. You’re not jealous, are you, Elim?”

“Of the man who betrayed you? Of course not!”

“I should also remind you that Miles is a married man.”

“So’s Dukat.”

“Did you really just compare Miles to Dukat?”

“He betrayed you and now you’re defending him?”

“Elim, perhaps this is a Human quirk that I can’t explain to you, but I want to forgive Miles and I intend to. It’s just going to take a while. Even if he did betray me, his heart was in the right place.”

“I confess, if I were in his place, I probably would’ve done the same thing.”

“And I would’ve forgiven you as well. You two have a lot more in common than you think. You both are better soldiers than I am, you can both be absurdly stubborn, you both use arguments and insults to show affection-“

“And we both love you.”

“Yes. In different ways, but yes. And I love both of you in different ways. Miles is my best friend and I’m madly in love with you.”

“You use the word ‘love’ in so many different ways.”

“The word can mean a lot of different things.”

“Kardasi doesn’t have this problem.”

“Not all Earth languages do either. The Ancient Greeks had at least three words for different types of love.”

“But Standard decided to stick with one. Did you know that the Universal Translator always translates the word ‘love’ the same way, regardless of context?”

“Seriously?”

“It’s one of the reasons why I decided to learn Standard. Whenever Humans talked about loving their children, it always sounded incestuous!”

“My god! Someone should really look into that.”

“Translation devices are never good with context.”

“Indeed not. Keiko O’Brien is from a place on Earth called Japan where they speak a language very different from Standard and she often complains that the context of everything she says gets lost in translation, even when she’s speaking Standard without the UT.”

“It’s just the same with Kardasi. It’s a very nuanced language. The fact that three of our words translate one way shows the contrast. Using ‘I love you’ as an example, you know that when said to one’s mate, it’s ‘Nu ka zIra’I’. If you wanted to express love to a family member, you’d say ‘Nu ka kUra’I’. If you want to say it to a friend, it’s ‘Nu ka gehra’I’.”

“I’ll try to keep that in mind. So, I gehra Miles and I zIra you and nothing’s going to change that. I’m sure Miles gehra me, while you zIra me. So, you don’t need to be jealous. You’re the only one I zIra, Elim.”

Garak kissed Julian and let the subject drop, but his mental list of Potential Threats to His Julian now had the name “Miles O’Brien” added to it. Julian would hopefully never know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's our last subplot taken care of! So, this chapter turned into one really long conversation, it seems. Next chapter will be fun.
> 
> Comments make quarantine less isolated.


	5. Yadik KUraik (Father's Love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian consider how to move on from their pasts with Tain.

_He was too far away to see anything clearly, but he could hear the screams. His Julian had been so brave before, but they’d done something to him to make that courage crumble away. But still, he didn’t beg. He didn’t plead for them to stop. He just screamed._

_Tain was standing next to him, chuckling at the look of horror on his face._

_“Wish you’d taken him when you had the chance?”_

…

Garak was awake and fully alert a second later. He was on Deep Space Nine, in his own bed. Julian was right next to him, safe and well. Garak just watched him sleep. When he wasn’t holding onto him, Julian often seemed to embrace some invisible object, possibly one of the toys that Human children kept in their beds. When he’d moved in with him, Julian had placed one of those toys, a representation of an Earth animal called a bear, on a shelf across from their bed. Maybe he missed it when he was deeply asleep.

Garak wasn’t surprised when Julian’s breathing began to speed up and he grew restless in his sleep. He clawed at his chest, fingers getting caught in the buttonholes of his pajamas. He often did that when he was upset. Garak had never asked, but he’d figured out that Tain had marked him there. He knew because he was no longer allowed to see or touch him there. He tensed up and pulled away when he did.

Garak heard Julian’s heavy breathing give way to whimpers and sobs. It was bad enough that he could no longer sit and watch.

“JUllin? Wake up. Please. Come back to me.”

Julian gasped for air as he woke, exhaling in a scream, as if trying to force the dream out of him through his lungs. Garak wanted to hold him, but he couldn’t touch him without warning. He might panic.

“JUllin, look at me.”

Julian rolled over to face him, his eyes still full of tears and his entire body shaking from adrenaline. Garak placed his hands on his shoulders, applying gentle pressure in a way that usually soothed him. The body under his hands slowly began to relax. Garak slowly pulled Julian closer, letting him rest his head against his chula.

“You’ll be alright now, JUllin. I’ve got you.”

Julian sighed as he settled down, wrapping his arms around the solid, sturdy body he rested against.

“This one was really bad.”

“I know. My own sleep has been no more peaceful than yours, if that’s any comfort.”

“Comfort…Nothing’s any comfort, anymore. Well, nothing that lasts. I feel…paranoid, I suppose. I feel like something terrible could happen to me at any moment.”

Garak decided that now was not the time to point out that something terrible could, in fact, happen at any moment. Garak had always been aware of that at all times. It was a good thing. It kept him out of danger. But, Humans didn’t survive in the same way Cardassians did, and a healthy sense of caution to the latter was clearly unhealthy for the former.

“If there’s anything I could do to help, please, tell me.”

“I wish I knew what would help me. Counselor Razha keeps telling me to talk to you. You know more about what I went through than anyone else, so she thinks I’ll be willing to tell you more than I’m willing to tell her. She says that talking helps, and it does, a little, but it doesn’t change anything. Not really. I’m not making sense. I’m just babbling now. Elim, help me!”

Garak rubbed Julian’s back, trying to get him to relax again.

“Talk to me. It’s okay to babble if you need to. Do what you need to do.”

Julian was clawing at his chest again, nearly tearing a hole in his shirt. Garak covered his hands with his own, making them be still. Julian's heart was beating so heavily that Garak could feel it through every barrier. Was it meant to be symbolic that Tain marked him over his heart?

“This is what’s hurting you, isn’t it? It’s because he’s here.”

Julian nodded.

“Would it help if we…If I marked you again? I know you can’t perceive it with your senses, but you know that it’s there and it’s causing you pain. But, if you’re still not ready, I understand.”

“I don’t know.”

“Perhaps we should continue this conversation tomorrow evening, once we’ve had a chance to rest.”

“Perhaps. I need some time to think.”

“Take all the time you need.”

Julian soon settled back to sleep. Garak wondered if it was strange for the Human to view sexual encounters in terms of marks. Humans didn’t have an equivalent. They mated for procreation and for pleasure, but not for security. It wasn’t a declaration of intent to protect for them. Of course, Cardassians also mated for procreation and pleasure, but there were these added complications to consider. 

There were people who mated to be marked, to be taken under another’s protection. During the Occupation, Bajoran women gave themselves to the more merciful Guls to avoid the wrath of the more dangerous ones. Dukat gained mistresses this way, though he was only pretending to be more merciful. 

The marks were used to check for infidelity, a woman carrying the mark of a man who wasn’t her husband. Having any mark at all would keep away unwanted suitors. If mating resulted in a child, the child would be marked with a scent very similar to their father’s as a way of confirming heritage. This meant that those of different classes were perceived differently no matter what status they achieved. 

It was unusual for someone like Garak to exist. Tain’s mark was of a higher class than the Garak family. Besides, Tain was so important that the family mark would’ve been easy for anyone in the Obsidian Order to identify. He wondered if his father had done something to him to throw them off his trail, to make him appear to match Tolan Garak, until exile made him too hard to access. He knew that Tolan himself wouldn’t have such a scheme. Tolan didn’t scheme.

But, none of these things affected Human families. They had no ties to their mates or parents or children beyond the knowledge of their relation. A child, when old enough to fend for themselves, could easily reject a cruel parent. That appears to be what Julian had done. If his parents broke the law to modify his DNA, they most likely didn’t care very much for him. He never talked about them. He had no loyalty to them. It was so easy for Humans to choose who was and wasn’t family.

Whenever he tasted the air, Garak was reminded of family. His instincts told him that he was approaching his father’s property and he’d be punished for trying to take it. That wasn’t true, of course, but loving Julian, wanting Julian, now felt like a betrayal to someone he loathed and had no reason to respect. Julian was his, not Tain’s. Tain’s mark was there because he’d forced it on him, purely to hurt his disobedient son.

But wouldn’t that make it Garak’s own fault?

Julian would say ‘no’. But, he knew nothing of Cardassian filial piety. He knew nothing of the unbreakable bonds between family members. Garak had faced the pain of defying his father when he loved Palandine. But, it didn’t feel that way until Tain said it. Palandine was the wife of Barkan Lokar, a man so easily distracted by other women that he never even bothered to check to see if Palandine’s mark matched his own. Garak had no trouble defying Lokar. He was a man who chose glory over duty, who was unfaithful to his wife and his word, who aided Dukat in destroying Bajor.

Before Garak, Julian was unmarked. He wasn’t Cardassian and he’d never been with one. He was practically invisible to the so’c. Garak had been the first. He was there first. His father betrayed him, not the other way around. So, Garak’s instincts told him one thing and his heart and mind told him another. 

His instincts told him that Tain was his father, and that to mate with someone his father had taken was as good as mating with his own mother. His heart and mind told him that Tain was a monster who’d hurt the one he loved.

His instincts told him that defying Tain would have consequences. His heart and mind told him that Tain couldn’t do anything to him now.

His instincts told him that Tain loved him. His heart and mind told him that familial instinct wasn’t the same thing as love.

“Nu yadikik nu taskUra’I. Nu yadikik nu taskUra’ita. Nu si taskret’I. Si JUli’an bre’a. Si siik gren’a. Si nu bre’a. Si nu siik’em bre’a.”

Garak repeated these phrases to himself over and over. He switched between Kardasi and Standard, as if he wanted Julian to hear.

“Nu yadikik nu taskUra’I My father doesn’t love me. Nu yadikik nu taskUra’ita. My father never loved me. Nu si taskret’I. I don’t need him. Si JUli’an bre’a. He hurt Julian. Si siik gren’a. He took he who is mine. Si nu bre’a. He hurt me. Si nu siik’em bre’a. He hurt me with he who is mine.”

Garak didn’t sleep. He rested by meditating on this mantra for the rest of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 5 and 6 were supposed to be one chapter, with his got a bit too long and I split it up. So now there's an extra chapter.
> 
> Comments are joy.


	6. To Be Mine and Yours Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Garak are finally ready to sleep together again, though they had to do things a bit differently.
> 
> Hurray for smut chapter!

It was strange. Julian still didn’t know what he wanted. He thought back to the last time he and Elim had had sex and he remembered enjoying it. He remembered enjoying the first time. He remembered enjoying all the times in between. He wondered why he was so nervous. Well, it seemed that the only way to find out was to confront it directly. So, when the time came, Julian decided that he was finally ready.

“I’m ready. But, I’m not sure how to go about this.”

“I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I think I have an idea. We just have to avoid the things that make you truly uncomfortable. For example, I’ve noticed that you’ve become uncomfortable showing your bare chest. So, keep your shirt on.”

“Okay. And maybe there’s some way that I could take control. I actually think I might have an idea for that.”

“Then I shall follow your lead.”

Julian led Elim over to the sofa and had him sit down. He removed Elim’s clothes for him, only accepting help in finding hidden fastenings so that he could undo them. Julian went into the bathroom to remove his uniform and put on his pajama shirt. Below the waist, he was in his underwear. He decided that that would be okay to start out. He’d stripped Elim completely naked, so he was the one whose body was on display.

Julian sat on the floor in front of Elim, positioning himself between his legs. Elim looked down at him, patiently waiting to see where this was all going.

“You don’t have to just sit there and let me move you around like a puppet, you know.”

“Then what would you prefer for me to do?”

Julian climbed up onto the sofa and sat down next to Elim. 

“Get on the floor.”

“Why did you bother to sit me down here then?”

“Because I changed my mind a bit. Elim, our first time was all about me trusting you. Now, I’m asking you to trust and follow me.”

“You’re a more trustworthy person than I am, Julian. That’s very easily done.”

“Then get on the floor.”

Elim obeyed, kneeling down in front of the sofa where Julian had been. Julian laid down, stretching across the sofa. He turned his head to the side to look down at Elim.

“Much better. I wasn’t quite ready to see you looking down at me. Now, come over here and kiss me.”

And they kissed, something that they hadn’t taken a four month break from doing. This time, with their heads at an odd angle with one another, it was more than a little awkward. But, they figured it out. Figuring things out was the point of the evening, after all. Julian took Elim’s face into his hands to control the kiss, and to eventually pull him back.

…

Garak noticed that the pupils of Julian’s eyes had covered nearly all of the green and brown. He remembered that being a good sign. He looked into those eyes and waited for further instructions. Julian was quite direct about it.

“Touch me, Elim.”

Garak took Julian’s penis out of his underwear and into his hand. It became hard after only three strokes. In order to reach it, he’d had to pull far enough away from Julian’s head that he couldn’t kiss his mouth, but he kissed his neck, not biting unless told to, and used his free hand to caress Julian’s left shoulder over his shirt. Julian relaxed, closing his eyes, making sounds of pleasure that Garak could feel under his lips.

Garak wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing when Julian came in his hand.

After a few moments, Julian’s eyes fluttered open and he sat up. Garak let go of him.

“Are you finished already? We haven’t even-“

“Elim, I have enhanced stamina. It works in a few ways that the doctors on Adigeon Prime probably didn’t intend. Now, it’s your turn. Get back up on the sofa.”

“You planned that, didn’t you? This is why you decided to switch our places.”

“I realized that it would be more fun if I could come twice in one evening. Now, get back up.”

After Julian removed his underwear completely, they switched places so Garak once again sat on the sofa with Julian between his legs on the floor. 

“Should I lie down like you did?”

“No. Stay like this. Spread your legs a bit more.”

Garak realized what Julian intended to do and was a bit confused.

“The evening’s all for you and you still want to pleasure me this way?”

“I’m completely in control of your pleasure this way. When you evert, it will be because of my actions”

“Well, I’m certainly not going to complain.”

Julian leaned forward until his face was touching Garak’s ajan, which wasn’t as wet as he’d hoped it would be. But, that soon changed. Garak could soon feel his natural lubricant dripping out of him in response to the work of Julian’s tongue. He seemed to be skilled in using it in a variety of ways.

When Garak everted into Julian’s mouth, Julian didn’t linger, slowly backing off of Garak’s prUt. Garak was pretty sure that one couldn’t mark their mate’s throat or stomach and have it last, so this was understandable. It was time to move on to other things.

Julian climbed up onto Garak’s lap and kissed him deeply.

“Can you taste yourself?” he asked when he pulled back.

“Your taste is far better.”

Julian rolled his eyes, a Human way of non-verbally expressing that he highly doubted this or simply thought it was a stupid thing to say. He put his tongue back to work, licking the center of Garak’s chula, while putting his hands on his shoulders, both to steady himself and to stimulate his partner.

…

Julian enjoyed Elim’s low growl of pleasure, vibrating through his chest. He was gaining confidence and realized that he was probably ready to take things a bit further. He straddled Elim’s legs, giving himself room to reach his ajan. He coated three of his fingers in lubricant and began to prepare himself.

Julian knew that his own fingers were thinner than Elim’s, and he found that he didn’t enjoy them quite as much. Perhaps he should’ve asked Elim to prepare him, but he wanted to continue to control the encounter. He also knew that Elim would want to be a bit more of an active participant in this as well. Julian let him hold and spread his buttocks, finding that he could lose a bit of control and enjoy himself. Thoughts of Tain and Ortek stayed far away from him. He was with Elim, a man who’d controlled most of their sexual encounters and always gave Julian pleasure and always made sure he felt safe.

“I’m ready now.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Let me lower myself down.”

And he did, slowly letting Elim’s prUt slide into him. It’d been long enough for the feeling of penetration to seem new, but it was also familiar. He’d done this many times before. When it touched his prostate, it all came back to him.

…

Julian appeared to be crying. Garak was worried that he may have hurt himself.

“Do you want to stop?”

“What? No! I’m not in pain. I’d forgotten how good it felt to be joined with you.”

Julian began to move, grinding against Garak’s prUt in the Cardassian way. Garak lifted Julian’s shirt slightly to stroke his cock and he moaned, closing his eyes and tilted his head back, a sign of trust and a surrender to pleasure.

“Elim…Talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t care.”

“Then I could request that you lean forward a little to bit my kinat’hU?”

Julian bit hard. Garak hissed.

“Yes! That’s it. Right there. Now, a little harder. Yes! Great Virtues, you’re perfect.”

…

Elim continued to speak, showering Julian in words of praise and love. Julian began to move himself up and down along Elim’s length, switching to Human methods to finish himself off for a second time. Elim didn’t seem to mind at all. The hisses, growls, and sweet words didn’t change a bit.

“I’m close, JUllin. Are you?”

“Yeah…”

“Are you ready, JUllin? Are you ready to be truly mine again? I’m already yours.”

“I’ve always been yours, Elim. Nu seka’I, e’zIra. Nu seka’er.”

_I’m yours, my love. I’m always yours._

Julian knew how much Elim loved to hear him speak Kardasi.

“JUllin…Nu cotasik seka’I”

_My precious Julian…My mark is yours._

Julian came only a fraction of a second before Elim did. Coming twice in one night exhausted him, so he pretty much collapsed on top of Elim the moment it was over. He wasn’t asleep yet. He could feel Elim pick him up, fighting off his own exhaustion, to carry him to bed. He was laid down, covered, and joined in bed shortly after.

…

Garak tasted the air and sighed in relief. Julian was his. Not Tain’s, his. No one could dispute that now. But, even better than that, Garak saw his Julian resting peacefully. He hadn’t hurt or scared him. Everything was going to be okay. Garak felt emotions surging within him. He was proud to have a lover and proud of Julian for being strong throughout this mess. There was still pain, aching scars from what’d happened. He still carried the guilt from the sense that he was defying his father and grief from that loss in his life. There was fear, for himself knowing that he still believed this, and for Julian, as there always was. There was anger. How could anyone have hurt this brave, brilliant, beautiful young man in his arms? There was the determination to make sure it wouldn’t happen again, and desperation, begging whatever gods protected his Julian to keep him from further harm.

But, most of all, there was love. Whatever other feelings it brought with it, it was love. It was a powerful force that now drove him only to stroke his beloved’s hair and whisper words in Kardasi that he wouldn’t hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, next chapter will really start Kira's plot (An investigation of Dukat and the shady things he's been involved in), so we'll be taking a bit of a break from Garashir to cover the events of an episode that didn't really involve them. Don't worry, though. It'll all come together eventually.
> 
> *Insert running gag of comment begging here*


	7. Tora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira tries to look into the story of one young lady in Dukat's life and ends up running into a completely different one.

Kira didn’t know who to contact or how. She was sure of it: Iliana Ghemor was alive. Somehow, she’d ended up a prisoner of Dukat. That was reason enough to make some attempt to rescue her. Even without that to consider, Tekeny deserved to have his daughter back, if it was at all possible.

Kira went over everything she knew about Iliana. She was the daughter of Tekeny Ghemor. She wanted to be an artist before joining the Obsidian Order. A man named Entek appeared to be in charge of her training. She was surgically altered to resemble Kira and even given her memories to infiltrate the Bajoran Resistance, but that never happened and she disappeared. If Parmak saw what Kira thought he saw, Dukat was involved in her disappearance.

There were quite a few details missing. Why was Dukat involved? Why would he still have Iliana hidden away somewhere eleven years later? Why was he keeping her alive? If it was decided not to go ahead with the infiltration mission, why was she still disguised as Kira?

Kira had a long list of incidents from the past that she intended to investigate. It was while investigating another one of these that she stumbled into a chance to investigate the Iliana Case. Meaning, that she was being forced to spend time with Dukat and, by the Prophets, she was going to get something out of it.

Six years prior, near the end of the Occupation, Lorit Akrem, Kira’s friend and mentor, was boarded onto a ship called the _Ravinok_ with thirty-two other Bajoran prisoners to be shipped out to a penal colony. The ship disappeared and no one on it was ever heard from again. Due to the ship itself being Cardassian, the Cardassians were also interested in its fate. So, when Kira left to do her investigation, a representative was sent with her. Said representative happened to be Legate Dukat.

Legate Dukat. He’d been promoted after protecting the Detapa Council from the Klingons. So, the first thing Kira noticed was that he was even more smug than usual. The second thing she noticed was that Doctor Parmak was nowhere to be found. She’d heard that Dukat always wanted to keep an eye on him and brought him everywhere. There was a good chance that after telling Kira about Iliana, Dukat had him killed. He also could’ve been locked up in that same prison, for all she knew.

The next thing of note was that Dukat was obviously lying about his reason for joining the investigation. This was as personal to him as it was to Kira. When they found the crashed shuttle, surrounded by the graves of twelve people who died in the crash, she learned what his personal connection was.

They had to dig up the graves to identify the dead. There would’ve been fifty people aboard the ship, so the dead made up a small number. Dukat wouldn’t let Kira help, because some of the dead might be Cardassians and dead Cardassians are not to be seen by outsiders. Kira helped identify the Bajoran dead based on family seals on earrings. The surviving elements of the ship’s computer listed the names, ages, and races of everyone aboard before the crash.

It was one of the Bajorans that stood out. Kira, after reactivating the ship’s computer, turned to Dukat to tell him about her progress. She found him sitting still in silence, clutching a bracelet that one of the deceased had been wearing. Kira recognized it as a Bajoran pledge bracelet. 

“What was her name?”

“Her name was Tora Naprem. You’re not the only one who had a friend on board that ship.”

“Friend?”

Dukat said nothing. It was all obvious anyway. This Tora Naprem had been one of Dukat’s many mistresses and he apparently cared about her.

“You weren’t the only Cardassian officer who kept a Bajoran mistress.”

“It wasn’t like that. Naprem and I…We loved each other.”

“A Bajoran in love with the head of the Occupation?”

“I never understood it.”

“Did your wife know?”

“No. And she’s never going to find out.”

Seven of the dead were Bajoran and none of them were Lorit. Kira and Dukat began the hunt for the survivors. When they stopped to rest, Kira looked over the list of crew and passengers from the _Ravinok_.

There were fifty-two names, more than the fifty that’d been reported. Thirty-two prisoners, eighteen crew members, and two civilians. One of them was Tora Naprem. She wasn’t a Bajoran prisoner being transported. Whoever filled out the paperwork was basically treating her as a Cardassian. The other passenger was the same: A thirteen year-old girl named Tora Ziyal.

Another Tora. Almost definitely a relative of Naprem. Ziyal. A Cardassian name. The girl had at least one Cardassian parent. The age difference implied that Naprem and Ziyal were mother and daughter. If Naprem was Ziyal’s mother and Ziyal had a Cardassian father, it was pretty obvious who it was.

“Tora Ziyal. Your daughter?”

“You won’t believe any lie I tell you.”

“Now I know why you’re in such a hurry to find the survivors. You’re hoping she’s still alive so you can rescue her.”

“Not quite. You see…if my daughter is still alive, I’ll have no choice but to kill her.”

It was another case of Cardassian family honor. Bastard children weren’t allowed to live. But, Dukat had let Ziyal live for the first thirteen years of her life. Children like her were normally killed before they were born. When Loral Perin became pregnant after he’d taken her as a “mistress”, he not only made no attempt to kill her or abort the pregnancy, he was offended when the child clearly wasn’t his. Perhaps it was a political thing. Dukat was a Legate now, so he had to get rid of anything that could be used against him.

Ziyal wasn’t the only person in Dukat’s life who could be used against him. He kidnapped and imprisoned the daughter of another Legate. He now had two good reasons to kill Iliana Ghemor, but he kept her alive. Shouldn’t the life of his own child matter to him more than the life of a prisoner?

Kira spent the rest of the journey going over everything she knew about the Tora family. She had yet another case to investigate. The name Tora was familiar, not just as a Bajoran family name, but because she’d heard the name used by the former prisoners of Terok Nor. Doctor Bashir, of all people, had asked her about it.

…

_“Major Kira?”_

_“What?”_

_“I’ve been hearing a Bajoran word a lot lately, one that the Universal Translator apparently doesn’t know. I was wondering if you could translate for me?”_

_“Sure. What’s the word?”_

_“Tora.”_

_“Doctor…That’s a family name.”_

_“Really? Just a family name? Does the name carry any connotations as a sort of slang perhaps? The context I heard it in seemed to imply something beyond just the ordinary use of a proper noun.”_

_“What was the context?”_

_“Well…er…uh…I-I keep seeing this one group of Bajoran women and Quark’s. Sometimes, when they see me, they’ll point at me and call me ‘The Tailor’s Tora’.”_

_“I have no idea why they would do that. Tora is a normal name. That’s it.”_

…

These women were most likely on the station when it was still Terok Nor and knew, or at least knew about, Tora Naprem. Kira knew that if she’d been on the station at the time, she’d have thought of this woman as a traitor if she was willingly sleeping with the enemy. She couldn’t exactly take Dukat’s word that she was willing, but if women who’d known her believed it, it was more likely to be true. The women were compared Garak and Bashir to Dukat and Tora. Whatever was up with Garak and Bashir, Kira was convinced that it was genuine. After seeing how crazy Garak went when the Obsidian Order kidnapped Bashir and he ended up badly injured, she believed that he was being sincere, for once in his life. Dukat and Tora Naprem might’ve been just as serious about each other, and had a child along the way. Dukat created a second family, hidden from his wife, on Terok Nor.

Well, whatever was going on with Dukat and Naprem and Cardassian politics and familial honor, Kira wasn’t going to let an innocent girl die for it. She tried to reason with him, but she got nowhere, though he did say a few interesting things.

“You know nothing about what family actually means to a Cardassian! If you knew what was really at stake, you’d consider it a mercy killing.”

Kira made a mental note to ask Narin, the only truly decent Cardassian she had access to, what Dukat could’ve possibly meant by that.

They eventually learned that the survivors from the Ravinok were now prisoners of the Breen. Lorit was dead. But, Ziyal was still alive. She’d survived on her own for six years in a prison colony. To Kira’s eyes, the girl looked a bit younger than her nineteen years, but that might’ve just been from living in poor conditions. Despite what she’d been through, she still had the air of an innocent child. Like any innocent child, she was glad to see her father again, completely unaware of the danger he brought with him.

“Father? It’s really you! Mother said you’d come!”

Dukat aimed a phaser rifle at the girl, who didn’t even seem to notice. It was up to Kira to save her life.

“I’m warning you, Dukat. Don’t do it.”

“I have no choice.”

“There’s always a choice. You don’t want to do this. If you did, you never would’ve told me about Ziyal. Now put the rifle down.”

When Ziyal caught on, she didn’t seem scared at all. She was only disappointed.

“They told me this would happen. They said you’d never let me go home. But I didn’t believe them.”

No matter how many times she was told to run, she stood her ground.

“I used to dream about you coming to save me. It’s what kept me alive.”

“Ziyal…”

Now it was Dukat who appeared to be pleading.

“Ziyal…”

“If I can’t be with you, I’d rather die.”

And that’s what did it. She wasn’t going anywhere. Dukat relented, lowered his weapon, and took the girl into his arms. She was going back to Cardassia with him and that was that. Kira couldn’t help but wonder if he was a bit too quick to change his mind. What he planning on sparing Ziyal this entire time?

The Iliana Case was still important, but she was out of Kira’s reach. Ziyal wasn’t. Kira didn’t know whether the girl was safe with her father or not, especially after what he’d said about Cardassian family. She decided that it was time to follow up on her earlier mental note and pay Narin a visit.

It was late at night. Mursa was already in bed. Narin had company over. Garak was visiting. They were discussing politics over a game of kotra. Kira would’ve preferred it if Garak wasn’t there, but since they were both enemies of Dukat, he probably wouldn’t cause her any trouble. Still, Narin was the one she was there to see.

“Narin, do you know anything about a mother and daughter named Tora Naprem and Ziyal?”


	8. What to Remember About Dukat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Narin tells Kira a few things about Dukat and the women in his life.

Contrary to popular belief, Narin had never visited Terok Nor when it was called Terok Nor. Everything he knew about the place came from the stories that he’d heard from Toras, Mursa’s biological father. Despite Narin being one of the two people managing the prison camp that Toras had been sent to, the two of them had been close. By the time of Toras’ death, Mursa saw both men as her parents.

Before they’d met, Toras was a laborer in the ore-processing facilities on Terok Nor. He had a wife, Perin, whom Dukat became far too fond of. Toras told Narin a lot of stories about this time. He wanted at least one Cardassian to truly understand what the Occupation was to the Bajorans.

The names that Kira had asked about were ones that Toras had known.

“You just returned from a mission with Dukat. Did he tell you about them?”

“It sort of came up. They were on the _Ravinok_ when it crashed. Naprem died in the crash and Ziyal…Well, she’s going back to Cardassia with her father. I managed to convince Dukat not to kill her, thank the Prophets.”

Garak looked like he was going to say something, but he seemed to decide against it.

“Toras told me a few stories of Dukat’s mistresses. When he arrived there, he had two, though he kept them in two different apartments and they might not have known about each other. One of them was sent away shortly after Toras arrived at Terok Nor and he never learned her name. The other was Tora Naprem. With the other mistress gone, Dukat had her moved into a large family quarters with him. They never tried to hide their relationship, though most people wouldn’t have known how serious it actually was. Dukat was flaunting another pretty young woman he’d talked into sleeping with him. But, from what Perin told Toras, she really was in love with the man and he acted like the perfect gentleman around her. When he was with Perin, he’d pretend to be kind, but she could tell how fake it was whenever she refused him. But, Naprem was different. She was the one he actually loved.”

“How was that possible?”

“Perin didn’t know. She didn’t see how they met or how their courtship went. She saw them argue, playfully sparring in a way that was clearly Cardassian flirtation, which means he most likely courted her properly, challenging her with arguments and hostility.”

“Of course he’d be hostile towards her. He was hostile towards everybody.”

“When Dukat approached Perin, he pretended to be chivalrous, courting her in a way more familiar to a Bajoran. He courted Naprem as a fellow Cardassian, demonstrating an interest in a reciprocal relationship. We usually know that our courtship practices are atypical and we try to approach those who interest us on their level. A man in Dukat’s position courting a Bajoran woman in the Cardassian way would make him look bad to her. He always wanted to impress. But, Perin believes that he couldn’t resist treating Naprem as an equal and she actually understood and reciprocated.”

“So they started a real relationship and had a child together. Did you hear anything about her?”

“According to Toras, Perin was allowed to see the rest of the family. Naprem knew who she was and saw it as different enough from what she had with Dukat to be acceptable. Ziyal was around six years older than Mursa and Perin only knew her for two of those six years. She was apparently a sweet little girl, nothing like her father in temperament. She was kept more hidden than her mother, so she rarely saw anyone outside the family. She adored her father. Honestly, it would’ve been easy to see Dukat, Naprem, and Ziyal as a married couple and their child.”

“Then it sounds like Ziyal will be perfectly safe with Dukat.”

“Perhaps she might, but I’d worry about others around them.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s one story that Toras told that I believe perfectly describes the sort of man Dukat is.”

“I know what sort of man Dukat is.”

“Not as well as you may think. I want you to hear this story and keep it in mind if you intend to get involved in anything involving Dukat. It’s not just about him being a bad person. There are specifics that you need to be aware of.”

…

2359:

_It’d gotten quite late. The baby had fallen asleep hours ago. Narin knew that if he didn’t report back soon, Ortek would start asking questions. But, he wanted to stay with Toras. The Loral family, just two Bajoran prisoners among many, had charmed him. Mursa, just a baby, had no idea what a Bajoran or a Cardassian was and why that mattered. Toras did, but he wasn’t afraid of Narin. He wasn’t afraid to desert his work every now and again under the supervision of a guard who’d let him get away with it in exchange for joining him in a heated discussion of Cardassian poetry. He wasn’t afraid to let him into his home at night to tell stories of his past. Narin didn’t know whether he was hopelessly naive or a living miracle._

_“I’m not the first Bajoran to find a Cardassian to have redeeming qualities. Some Bajorans have found redeeming qualities in Cardassians that don’t actually have them.”_

_“Most men I know who’ve had Bajoran lovers had coerced them to some extent.”_

_“From what I was told on Terok Nor, the Prefect of Bajor, who was infamous for that sort of coercion, actually took a genuine liking to one of his mistresses, who returned his feelings without him even trying to coerce her!”_

_“Are you sure of that?”_

_“Perin was. She met the woman. Tora Naprem, the mistress of Gul Dukat. She’s probably still with him. They’re raising their daughter together. According to her, they were the only people she never saw him mistreat. In fact, he showered them both with affection and expensive gifts of all sorts. However, there was something questionable about the whole thing. There was one odd incident that Perin and I simply couldn’t understand.”_

_“What happened?”_

_“Well, Perin was allowed out of her room for a while and she spent some time talking with Naprem. The girl, Ziyal, was around five years old, I believe. Dukat returned home from work with gifts for both of them. He gave Naprem a necklace. It was made of Bajoran gemstones, a beautiful piece, that must’ve been made by a professional. She adored it of course. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t. Dukat gave Ziyal a doll, a Bajoran wood-carved doll, another bit of fine craftsmanship. She named it after some woman from a Cardassian novel. Perin didn’t actually know which, so neither do I.”_

_“So, he spent a lot of money to buy gifts for his Bajoran family. Did he buy them from Bajoran artists? That would've been very generous of him.”_

_“It’s possible, but I don’t believe that’s what happened. Perin snuck out to see me that night and she told me about the gifts, how odd Dukat was, how Naprem carried herself like a Cardassian lady, and so on. But, when she described the necklace and the doll, I remembered that I’d seen a necklace and doll earlier that morning that matched their description exactly. A new shuttle of Bajoran prisoners had come in and I happened to walk by where they were being processed. Among them were a mother and daughter with a surname from my own caste. The artists’ caste. Sura. I can’t remember their first names, but the guard called them both Sura. For some reason, I don’t know why, the two were separated from the group and shot where they stood.”_

_“That’s not uncommon at labor camps when prisoners who can’t work arrive. Ortek nearly killed Mursa for that reason.”_

_“The rules are different on Terok Nor. Dukat eliminated the practice of executing weak prisoners. No one was killed on arrival on Terok Nor. Children, the elderly, the sick, they were all spared. Dukat liked to think of himself as generous for cutting down on the number of senseless deaths.”_

_“But some sort of exception was made for these two. That is a bit odd. Even if the mother was a criminal, they had no reason to kill the child.”_

_“I think the motive might’ve been with Dukat’s gifts to his family. I saw the killing. The woman was wearing a necklace, possibly one she made herself, that looked exactly like the one Perin described. The child died clutching a doll, one that had possibly been made for her by her mother, that looked exactly like the one Perin described. I suspect that Dukat had the two killed to take their valuables and give them to his own family.”_

…

“So, Dukat did a lot of terrible things and this was another terrible thing he did?”

“This act is what Dukat truly is. He sees himself as a generous husband and father who works hard to have his family live in luxury. It doesn’t even occur to him that his job is to kill. In all things, you must remember: He truly believes that he is generous and merciful and he truly doesn’t understand that his crimes prove that he isn’t. He’s managed to lie to himself to such a degree that he sees every terrible thing he does as a necessary evil or a favor to someone else. Now, with Ziyal back in his life, how many atrocities is he willing to commit as a favor to her now?”

…

Narin was so caught up in his story that he hadn’t noticed that Garak had excused himself before the conversation truly began. But, he had all he needed to know. Dukat had a child whom he’d encourage to think highly of him no matter what he did. Major Kira would definitely believe the girl’s presence in Dukat’s life would cause harm to innocents. This would mean that she’d want to separate father and daughter, most likely unaware of what the consequences could be.

For the time-being, Garak couldn’t think of much he could do. He didn’t really have enough information to decide on a course of action. But, he’d have to keep an eye on Major Kira, and on Ziyal, if circumstances ever allowed it.


	9. Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian has been using a holosuite program to cope with feelings of powerlessness. Garak breaks in and everything proceeds to go very wrong.

Julian admired Counselor Razha’s creativity. They’d spent the past few months having a holosuite program created that served as the perfect distraction from the stress of his life. He took the spy novels that he loved as a teenager and built a perfect playground, providing both excitement and a certain amount of catharsis to help him continue to recover from the events of what was now seven months ago.

Julian got to be James Bond, though he used his own name in the program, preferring to feel at least somewhat like himself. Of course, being Bond meant a lot of Bond girls. He had them there for authenticity. Bond was never loyal to them. They meant nothing. Julian decided that kissing holograms didn’t count as cheating. There wasn’t any real sex and they weren’t real people.

Besides, Elim didn’t have to know.

Julian actually preferred to have Elim not know about the program. He’d recognize some details he’d added and it would lead to a difficult conversation, even without the Bond girls. The program had been approved by a counselor, after all. It partially existed as a way to work through his problems and there were a few problems that he didn’t want Elim to know about.

Of course, keeping secrets from Elim Garak was impossible, so it was really no surprise that he found out. It was just Julian’s luck that he found out and reacted by breaking into the program at the worst possible moment: while he was kissing one of the Bond girls. He got Julian’s attention by clapping loudly. The computer clearly didn’t know how to react to his presence. There wasn’t supposed to be a second player. He even did enough research to make himself a tuxedo to match the setting. At this point, Julian wasn’t the least bit surprised. He just went over to confront his uninvited guest. His uninvited guest who happened to look very good in a tuxedo. This was going to be a difficult confrontation.

“Nice tux.”

“Thank you.”

“Now get out.”

“But I’ve only just arrived!”

“Elim, breaking into a holosuite during someone else’s program is not only rude, it’s illegal. I should call Odo and have you arrested!”

“Wouldn’t that be a bit of an overreaction?”

“You’ve intruded on my privacy!”

“I’m only curious. Ever since you received this new program, you’ve been spending virtually all of your free time in the holosuite. But, you haven’t told anyone what the program is. To be honest, I wanted to inspect the competition.”

“Competition?”

“As I said, you spend all your free time here, including the time you’d normally spend with me. Considering that you appear to be spending that time among attractive young women, you must admit that I have the right to be jealous.”

“Elim, it’s just part of the game. Are you really jealous of a few strings of code?”

“So the women aren’t why you’re so protective of this game? What else are you hiding in here?”

“Elim, this is a fantasy. I’m not hiding anything.”

“If you have nothing to hide, then why not let me stay.”

Julian realized that there was no way he could convince Elim to leave. He’d have to have some of the conversations he’d been avoiding. Counselor Razha warned that it would have to happen eventually. He’d hoped that “eventually” meant “over a decade from now”, but he had no such luck.

“Fine. Just keep quiet.”

“Don’t worry, dear. I can be quite discreet. You’ll barely know I’m here.”

“Somehow, I doubt that.”

“Relax! We’re going to have a wonderful time. What could possibly go wrong?”

“Elim, never ask that question. When you ask what could possibly go wrong, you always get an answer.”

“Human superstition.”

“We’ll see about that.”

Julian was right. Something went wrong. Miles had told him many stories from his time on the _Enterprise_. A lot of them were about the holodecks and the various ways that they could break. The station’s holosuites didn’t have nearly as many problems. It was actually functioning near perfectly under the circumstances. It was the transporter that’d malfunctioned. Kira, Jadzia, and Miles all somehow ended up lost in the program, their physical patterns stored as various characters.

Julian first discovered this when Anastasia Komananov first made her appearance looking exactly like Kira. Of course, Elim thought Anastasia was designed to look like Kira on purpose.

“You never told me you were attracted to her.”

“She’s not supposed to look like that. Elim, did you hack the program?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Computer: Restore the image of Colonel Komananov to its original parameters.”

“Unable to comply. The character parameters of Colonel Komananov are correct.”

“I didn’t plan this. I swear. I even decided to include a KGB agent as a potential love interest because I thought the 20th century KGB was the closest period equivalent to the Obsidian Order. She was basically supposed to be a Bond girl version of you.”

“I don’t know whether to be flattered or offended.”

“Either one would be appropriate. Now, let’s see if we can figure out what’s going on here. Computer: Freeze program.”

“Unable to comply. Computer control has been disrupted due to a station-wide emergency.”

“That doesn’t explain anything, but it’s a start. Bashir to Ops. What’s going on?”

Once they figured out what was going on, and that they couldn’t end the program, and that Miles and Jadzia could turn up at any moment, Julian had no choice but to play on and hope the problem was resolved before one of his friends inevitably replaced a villain who’d need to be killed.

This also meant that Julian would have to spend time explaining Bond cliches to Elim.

“Elim, you can’t approach this like an Obsidian Order mission. James Bond novels were not written as accurate depictions of spy work. Well, it’s actually a bit more complicated than that, but you need to know that the story will seem completely ridiculous to you and no one will act in a way that will make sense to you. It’s my program and I know how to play, so no matter how stupid it sounds, you’ll have to follow my lead.”

“I still question why you have this program in the first place.”

“Because it’s easy to win the game by simply knowing the rules, so it can be played quickly and be exciting without being stressful.”

“Is that what Humans find amusing?”

“I can’t speak for every Human, but I like it.”

So, the Bond villain was causing earthquakes around the world and kidnapped a scientist called Professor Honey Bare. Julian could only hope that Elim didn’t know enough Standard to realize how stupid the names were. It was supposed to be funny, but it didn’t seem like the type of humor Elim would appreciate.

They reached the part of the story where Falcon, an assassin, would arrive with two henchmen and attempt to kill the heroes. Miles' pattern had been placed over Falcon’s. Julian was somewhat relieved that this covered up what the actual point of the character was, but he was also disturbed to watch his best friend playing that role.

“Surprised to see me, Mister Bashir?”

“You could say that.”

“You should’ve used something a little more lethal than a champagne cork. Something like this…”

Falcon carried a period appropriate gun. He was close enough to hold it right to Julian’s head. He practically caressed Julian’s face with it, giving the threat a sexual undertone. This was by design. It was supposed to simulate a situation where Julian could physically overpower a sexual predator on his own.

But now said predator looked like his best friend and Julian froze. Elim moved quickly. He tackled Falcon, ducking below the bullets of the henchmen, who were programmed to be terrible shots anyway, and wrestled with him to get the gun out of his hands. Julian and Anastasia took care of the two henchmen and returned to Elim, who’d gotten the gun and was just about to fire it.

“Elim, no!”

“Why not?”

“Elim, it’s Miles. Whatever he is right now, he’s Miles.”

“He’s Falcon, a hired assassin who’s going to do everything he can to kill you, and if you haven’t noticed, the holosuite safeties are off.”

Elim looked up at Julian and he could see blood on his face. Falcon had given him a split lip with a punch.”

“Without the holosuite safeties in place, he could actually kill you.”

“So I should kill him first?”

“This is an emergency situation. You’re not going to be able to save everyone.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect that you want me to kill Miles to eliminate competition that doesn’t exist.”

“If I ever wanted to kill him, it would be because he hurt you, which he could certainly do now.”

“I’m not going to murder my best friend, Elim. Let’s just move on and keep playing the game.”

The next portion of the game took place at a club in Paris. Anastasia had to pose as Bashir’s wife for the mission. Elim wasn’t at all happy about this.

“If anyone should be posing as your lover, shouldn’t it be your actual lover?”

“This game takes place in the mid-20th century on Earth. Marriage between members of the same sex wouldn’t be allowed for at least another fifty years and openly being a couple at all would attract a lot of negative attention. Since we’re in France, it’s not downright illegal, but it’s not something to express openly.”

“Ah yes, the Human prejudice against relationships between members of the same sex. How long did that cause trouble?”

“This sort of prejudice was expressed by a vocal minority at the very least until around a century after the setting of this game. It was the Vulcans who found it illogical that finally solved it.”

“Fascinating. The home of the prejudice-free Federation once harbored a prejudice that Cardassia never faced. At least not in the same way.”

Then, it was time to meet Duchamps, another henchman of the evil Doctor Noah. Since all three real people had been found, this was the first moment when Elim would see a major character with their original appearance. The character was tall, broad-shouldered, and intimidating, meant to resemble a Human Dukat. He was the one Julian would gamble against and outwit. Since Dukat was the one who tricked and kidnapped him, he wanted a chance to remind himself that he was smarter than Dukat.

Of course, another part of the game was that Duchamps knocked him out and kidnapped him anyway. Counselor Razha had recommended this detail to remind Julian that it wasn’t his own fault that he was kidnapped. Dukat would’ve found a way no matter what.

So, Julian, Elim, and Anastasia were knocked out and woke up in the lavish mansion of Hippocrates Noah, the main antagonist of the game. It was designed as a 1960s version of Tain’s house on Cardassia. He’d meet a Human version of Tain and save himself without any outside help, without getting hurt, and while saving someone else along the way.

Julian wasn’t sure if Elim had noticed that Duchamps was supposed to be Dukat. He definitely noticed that Noah was supposed to be Tain. Noah had a different agenda, but it was clear that the bad guy was Tain.


	10. Power Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Elim have a long talk about Tain.
> 
> CW: Discussions of the torture from the previous installment, and of possible non-consensual incest.

After some action that involved being tied to missiles and having to kiss Honey, accidentally meaning that Julian got to kiss Jadzia, Julian and Elim found themselves alone in a cave. The game wouldn’t progress without them, so they had plenty of time to sit and talk, though the cave wasn’t a very comfortable place to do it.

“It’s become obvious to me that this is more than a simple fantasy. Julian, what is this program for?”

“It just makes me feel better.”

“By fighting illusions based on dangerous men you’ve known, such as Tain and Dukat.”

“Falcon was supposed to be Ortek. You can imagine how uncomfortable it was to have Miles in that role.”

“So you were acting out a revenge fantasy?”

“No. It’s versions of events that I have control over. That’s the thing about holosuite programs. You can control everything about them. If all else fails, you end the program. There’s no way to be powerless.”

“You weren’t powerless. You used Tain’s secrets to seriously sabotage his plans. Secrets are powerful things.”

“It doesn’t matter whether I was powerless or not. I felt that way. I felt weak, like I needed to be rescued. I wasn’t Bond. I was the Bond girl, not completely useless but always inferior.”

“Then you chose a spy-themed program to put yourself in what you perceived my role to be.”

“I knew you’d be offended. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“I never felt particularly powerful during that time. I had to convince people to actually search for you. I had to wait and do nothing, knowing what my own father was doing to you. Then, when you were strapped to that bed, I had to watch. I don’t know how much of it you remember, but some of the things they did to you…They gave you a heart attack, they paralyzed you, they strangled you, I could hear you gasping for breath. I thought they were going to kill you and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Does that sound like ‘being in control’ to you?”

“I wasn't trying to compare our misery. That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m not mad at you, Julian. You’re finding a way to survive what happened to you. This game is better than what I’ve been doing.”

“What have you been doing? Have you been hurting yourself?”

“No, nothing like that. I’ve been ignoring it, pretending that it isn’t there. I can’t afford to feel emotions that leave me weak. Loving you is the only exception.”

“Love doesn’t make you weak, Elim. Rakret H’ssti’er made you stronger and that came from love, didn’t it?”

“My greatest weakness is also my greatest strength, it seems.”

“It’s like my enhancements. They’re a secret that makes me vulnerable, but they give me abilities that I use a lot.”

“We’re both a mess of contradictions.”

“I’m guessing you have a few questions about how this game parallels reality.”

“Beneath the gaudy decor, I could recognize the house I grew up in. We were in Tain’s study.”

“That’s where he first brought me when he kidnapped me. Actually, I woke up in a closet inside the study but-“

Elim grabbed onto Julian quite aggressively.

“He put you in that closet?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how long I was there. Probably a few hours.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“What?”

“He only put me in the closet when I did something wrong. You hadn’t done anything.”

“Wait. He used to lock you in a closet when you misbehaved?”

Elim didn’t verbally answer. He pulled Julian closer to him and rocked him. Julian wasn’t upset at the moment. It honestly felt like he was trying to comfort Julian over his own anxieties. Elim had admitted to being claustrophobic. Perhaps this was why. He associated those small spaces with his father’s wrath.

“How dare he…”

Elim began to whisper, apparently just to himself.

“How dare he…”

“It’s alright, Elim. That was far from the worst thing he did, even while I was in that house.”

Elim stilled and pulled Julian back just enough to make eye contact.

“You’ve never told me everything that happened. What did he do to you? I have to know.”

“Well, after he let me out of the closet, he played this game of treating me like a guest. I had dinner with him and Mila. They replicated foods that I liked. Tain kept trying to start an argument with me, like all the arguments we have. When I wouldn’t debate him over literature, he tricked me into a debate about interrogation methods.”

“He made you argue with him? He made you flirt with him?!”

“I knew what he was doing and I tried to get out of it, but he tricked me. I’m sorry.”

“No. Don’t apologize for what he did.”

“Alright. When I noticed what was happening, Mila noticed that I was turning pale and she escorted me to the quarters she had prepared. I got to sleep in an ordinary bedroom. Well, considering the decor resembling your tailoring work and the enigma tales on the shelves, I’m pretty sure it was your bedroom.”

“Tain put you in the closet where he put me. He invited you to dinner like he would invite me sometimes. He had you sleep in my bed. How many times did he put you in my place?”

“I don’t know. The bedroom was the only one I knew for sure about until now.”

“Did he invite you back to his study to play kotra?”

“Yes.”

“He taught me how to play.”

“He taught _me_ how to play.”

“I think he might’ve been acting out a fantasy of his own. He acted out a fantasy of years ago, when I was a child and he was pretending to not be my father. I called him Uncle Enabran.”

“He fondly remembered the power he had over you. He said he had you do things that he couldn’t do himself once he grew older. He said he’d sometimes have to use another operative for things you’d refuse to do.”

“For most of my life, I never refused to do anything he told me. My mind always went back to that closet. But, he’d capture the wives of his rivals, sometimes their children, if they were old enough. It wasn’t long before my exile when I couldn’t…”

“That’s not why you were exiled, was it?”

“No. As you said, he just had someone else take my place.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if he wanted to watch you do something like that. He seemed to know exactly what you’re like in bed.”

Elim didn’t seem surprised by that revelation at all.

“Elim, did he ever…do anything like that to you?”

Elim actually laughed at this.

“It’s not funny!”

“Julian, that’s one of the few things he _didn’t_ do to me. He never acted that way before I was exiled.”

“Then what changed?”

“He most likely became obsessed with regaining the control that he lost, especially since he lost it in a situation involving sexual relationships I’d entered. I clearly preferred my mates to him and I gave them loyalty that he thought he had exclusive rights to. What did they have that he didn’t? With Palandine, he might’ve thought it was because she was a woman, that she had high status, that she might bear me children. With you, he saw you as nothing more than a pretty Human boy. You have no influence on Cardassia.”

“Sometimes I wish I did. I know how much you want to go home.”

“Not right now. Someday, definitely, but I don’t want Cardassia as it is, in the hands of men like Dukat. If I return to Cardassia, it’s going to be run by people whose patriotism won’t be outweighed by ambition or selfish desires. Furthermore, it will have to be a world more hospitable to outsiders. Cardassia is a dying world. We need resources. We tried to get them through conquest, but it was a waste of our time. We’ll need to accept some amount of help to survive. Besides, if we’re hostile to outsiders, there won’t be a place for you.”

“A place for me?”

“Do you really think I’d just leave you here? You have secrets that could be exposed! Even without that, this station is attacked on a regular basis. We’re trapped in a holosuite right now! I could never leave you in a place like this.”

“And you love me and don’t want to leave me ever, right?”

“If that’s what you want, my dear. Now, shall we finish your game while there’s still time? I know you’d love a chance to shoot at your fantasy Tain.”

“And you can take Duchamps. I know you’d love to kill some form of Dukat.”

Unfortunately, they barely made it back to Noah’s mansion before all problems had been resolved and Kira, Jadzia, and Miles were all back to normal. Elim shot at Duchamps anyway.


	11. A Doting Parent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira ends up spending some unexpected time with Dukat and Ziyal. Despite being demoted, divorced, and disowned, Dukat is acting like a somewhat honorable man and ideal father. Kira can't help but wonder if this is all too good to be true.
> 
> CW: Vague incestuous subtext that most likely doesn't mean anything.

War with the Klingons had been messy business for Cardassia. Apparently the healthcare system was in tatters and disease was rampant. So, in order to attend a conference, Kira had to endure more vaccinations at one time than she’d ever had in her life.

It didn’t help that the doctor seemed less comfortable with the vaccines than she was. Kira couldn’t help but notice that Bashir’s hands always shook before administering a hypo that would have side effects. It was fair warning that she was about to feel dizzy or nauseous. She knew that he’d gone through some torture involving drugs, so injections that caused any small amount of suffering might’ve reminded him of that experience. Kira tried not to complain, worried that expressing too much pain could drive the doctor towards some sort of episode. She’d never heard of it happening with him, but she knew what it was like to go through hell and be reminded of it. She’d embarrassed herself by breaking down in public a few times before. She wasn’t going to inflict that upon him, especially since he rarely took humiliation well at the best of times. 

Kira genuinely didn’t expect Dukat to be the one in charge of the ship transporting her to Cardassia.

“You’re commanding the Groumall?”

“Thanks to you. If you hadn’t convinced me to bring my half-Bajoran daughter back to Cardassia, I’d still be the chief military advisor to the Detepa Council.”

“I’m pretty sure you said you’d be demoted.”

“Exactly one week after my mother disowned me and my wife took our children and left.”

“You didn’t have to take her back to Cardassia. I just told you not to kill her.”

“I don’t regret it. I hate being relegated to ferrying freight and foreign dignitaries, but that’s my own fault. I was indiscreet nineteen years ago and now I’m paying the price for it. But, this is only a temporary setback. Everything I’ve lost I’ll regain. It’s only a matter of time.”

Kira felt a bit sorry for Dukat, who was punished for doing the right thing. He didn’t appear to be taking it out on Ziyal, so he was actually handling it quite well, all things considered. She realized to her horror that she was feeling sympathy towards the worst man she’d ever met. She reminded herself that no matter how he was behaving now, he still had Iliana Ghemor imprisoned and he most likely killed Doctor Parmak for letting her know about it. He’d raped women, he’d had tens of thousands of innocent people killed. He reluctantly did the right thing for once in his life, but was that really enough to make up for everything else he’d done?

Once Kira was settled in her quarters, Ziyal came to visit her. She’d assumed that she’d been left back on Cardassia.

“Ziyal! I didn’t know you were on board.”

“Hello, Major.”

Formal and professional. She acted like a member of the crew.

“Please, call me Nerys.”

Since Kira couldn’t take her father’s word for anything, she decided to ask Ziyal about her time on Cardassia. Considering how easy it would be to blame her, she wouldn’t be surprised if Dukat mistreated her and lied about it.

“I take it living on Cardassia didn’t work out very well.”

“I wasn’t exactly welcomed with open arms. There were some Cardassians who could see past the ridges on my nose…but not many.”

“I’m sorry. I know it must have been difficult for you…”

“There were times when I almost missed being a prisoner of the Breen. At least there, the other prisoners accepted me for who I was.”

“What about your father? How’s he been handling all of this?”

“Being with him was the only good thing about living on Cardassia.”

She answered quickly and the emotions sounded genuine. Dukat had tried to kill her and she really didn’t care. Everything seemed to be going well.

“I’m glad you two are getting along.”

Ziyal smiled brightly, almost dreamily.

“He’s been wonderful…He’s so brave! He never tried to hide me away. He never acted like he was ashamed of me. We’d go out to dinner, take long walks together…Once, he even took me to a performance of his favorite theatre group. We sat right up front. He was so intimidating, no one dared to challenge my right to be there.”

The way Ziyal described her father was almost romantic…but not enough for there to be no other interpretation. A father and daughter spending quality time together wasn’t a bad thing, even if the father was Dukat. Because it was Dukat, it felt strange, but Kira couldn’t find any clear signs of wrongdoing. Even with all his faults, even Narin had described him as a doting parent, sometimes at the expense of others, but no threat to his own children. In fact, his lack of shame reminded Kira of how Narin treated Mursa.

Despite this being a freighter, Dukat arranged regular battle drills. He was a military man and, though Klingons could attack anything, Kira suspected that this was mostly about him wanting to feel important. He had a loyal Glinn at his side to yell at. The Glinn, apparently named Damar, took everything in stride.

“Engineering and Tactical, ready. Waiting on weapons, sir.”

“What’s taking so long?”

“The phaser banks are still charging.”

“I want those weapons on-line, now!”

He simply got the weapons on-line and shrugged off Dukat’s rude response to finding out that he took a bit too long. Dukat noticed that Kira was watching and seemed to worry that she might get the wrong idea about him running a tight ship.

“This may be a lowly freighter, major, but it’s still a military vessel and it will be run in a military manner.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything. I know that a military leader wouldn’t be given a purely civilian ship to command.”

“It still must be a bit disconcerting to have this drill thrust upon you so suddenly. I hope you’ll let me make it up to you.”

Kira wasn’t sure if this was flirting or not.

“What did you have in mind?”

“I was hoping we could dine together. After all, it is Cardassian tradition for the commanding officer of a ship to entertain his guests.”

A private dinner could be considered a date. Kira had been alone in the wilderness with Dukat before and he never tried to make any moves on her, so she didn’t think that the invitation was purely a trap. It would be a good chance to ask Dukat a few questions about Ziyal and even about Iliana. Cardassians didn’t court like Bajorans did. Besides, it wasn’t like he was asking to pray together or do anything really serious. Dinner dates were more of a Human thing and there weren’t any Humans around.

“Far be it from me to stand in the way of tradition.”

Kira could only hope that she wouldn’t end up deeply regretting this.


	12. For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira gets some information about Iliana and makes a decision.
> 
> CW: Dukat implies some torture he might've done, but the details are vague.

Despite Dukat hosting, they had dinner in Kira’s quarters. It was all on her turf. This was actually Dukat’s suggestion. He was also the one who ordered purely Bajoran food and drink. Dukat had a taste for Bajoran cuisine no matter who he was entertaining, so Kira didn’t find it too suspicious.

They were alone together. Dukat waited for Kira to direct the conversation. She was starting to wonder if he was being a bit too submissive to her. She decided to ignore it and start the conversation somewhere easy.

“I talked to Ziyal. She’s a lovely girl.”

“I’m glad you convinced me not to kill her.”

“Despite everything that’s happened?”

“You may find this hard to believe, but when it comes to Ziyal, I don’t regret anything.”

Kira was convinced that, at least at the moment, that Ziyal was happy and Dukat wouldn’t harm her. With that settled, it was time to take a risk. Maybe, just maybe, considering how he was acting towards her, she could get Dukat to talk about Iliana.

“There’s something I’d like to ask you about.”

“Regarding Ziyal?”

“No, actually. It’s about something that happened to me around a year and a half ago. I think you might have some information about it.”

“Is this an interrogation, Major?”

He seemed to find it quite amusing. Kira quickly reminded herself that punching him in the face wouldn’t actually help her and continued.

“Last year, I was abducted by the Obsidian Order. They wanted to pass me off as the long-lost daughter of Tekeny Ghemor as part of a trap to find his connections to the Dissident Movement.”

“So I heard. Legate Ghemor is in exile now, is he not?”

“I think so. But, even since then, I’ve been wondering what happening to Ghemor’s real daughter. Perhaps you might have some information regarding her.”

“And you think I might know something because of what Doctor Parmak told you.”

“Yes. I know that around eleven years ago, Iliana Ghemor was in training for the Obsidian Order. She was altered to look like me as part of a deep-cover mission to infiltrate the Bajoran Resistance. She was given my memories, made to think she was me, so she could gather information without knowing that’s why she was there and give it to the Order once her memory was restored. Apparently I was supposed to be killed so she could take my place, but I don’t remember a thing. Something went wrong and she disappeared.”

“And Parmak told you about the woman he saw who looked like you and claimed to be you, so you’re assuming that that’s her.”

“What I don’t know is why she’s in a prison that you used to manage and still regularly visit.”

Dukat sighed and hesitated before answering. Kira prepared to be blatantly and shamelessly lied to. She’d have to find the truth inside the lie. Perhaps she could have Garak help her. He was in the Obsidian Order when Iliana was supposed to have been there.

She didn’t at all expect what Dukat actually said:

“I did it for you, Nerys.”

“What?”

“I’ve known of you for a very long time. I knew your mother. We were quite close, Meru and I. I promised her that I’d watch over her family, especially you. So, when I heard that the Obsidian Order planned to have you killed, I put a stop to it. I made them let you go.”

“And Iliana?”

“She was convinced that she was you and she knew too much to have the process undone at the moment, so she had to disappear. Entek, the man in charge of her training, allowed me to hide her away on Letau. A Moon colony is hard to infiltrate. I keep her separated from the actual criminals and visit her regularly so she doesn’t get lonely. But, she’s alive and well and she’ll stay that way.”

“But, her mission is no longer relevant. The Obsidian Order is pretty much dead. Entek is dead. Why not give her father some peace of mind and let her go?”

Dukat buried his face in his hands, making a big show of being upset. Kira wasn’t convinced, but she went along with it, not wanting to get stuck on other things Dukat had said, like that he was somehow close to her mother.

“That’s also for you. You know that I’ve done many things that I regret. I’ve followed my share of orders that I didn’t approve of and had to respond quite harshly to the violence of the Bajoran Resistance. I don’t like doing those sorts of things, but I do what Cardassia needs. It took quite a toll on me as Prefect of Bajor. There were times when I hated you, when I hated all Bajorans. But, then I’d see my Naprem and Ziyal and I remembered that you weren’t beyond redemption. But I’d still get so angry! I couldn’t take it out on you. I’d promised your mother and I always hoped that I could befriend you some day. So, someone had to take your place. When I was angry with you, with the Resistance, with all of Bajor, I left the Bajorans alone and went to Letau. Iliana was there, claiming to be you. I could pretend that she was you, but whatever happened to her, you were safe. That’s why I say I did it for you. If it weren't for Iliana, I would’ve treated you and your friends far worse.”

Kira was speechless. What the hell was she supposed to say to that? She wasn’t entire sure what Dukat was saying, but it sounded like Iliana was being used as some sort of punching bag by a delusional man who believed that someone had to suffer when he was angry, like he didn’t have a choice. Was Dukat trying to manipulate her? Did he want her to think he was insane? Was he really that lost from reality?

Maybe Dukat _was_ lost from reality. He sounded so genuine when what he said didn’t even make sense as a lie. Did he expect Kira to accept this? Did it really matter? Insane or not, this man was dangerous. 

But the danger fit a pattern. Two Bajorans died so Naprem and Ziyal could be spoiled. If he cared for someone, someone else suffered. Iliana suffered for Kira and he wouldn’t even let her die! He was willing to kill Ziyal for his reputation, but he also had a Legate’s daughter hidden away, obviously being tortured for no good reason. Wouldn’t that ruin his reputation if discovered? Even with Tekeny in exile, the Ghemor family was very high-status. Iliana Ghemor would be seen as a princess from a Human fairytale, locked away in a tower, awaiting rescue. If someone wanted to truly bring Dukat down, not just demote him from Legate back to Gul, and to give credit to those who wanted to oppose the current Cardassian regime, giving sympathy to the most prominent dissident, Iliana was clearly the key. But, Dukat couldn’t bring himself to kill her, purely because he’d lose an outlet for his madness.

This was a lot. Kira had to let Tekeny know that his daughter was still alive. Perhaps that’s what Parmak had intended to do. Kira would help. She’d help the dissidents. She’d destroy Dukat, finally killing the monster she’d tried to kill for years. Narin and Mursa would appreciate a new Cardassia, one that would probably not try to exterminate the Bajorans. Garak could possibly end his exile if his crimes were committed against a different government. Not like she cared about Garak, but Bashir deserved to be happy and cheering up one would cheer up the other.

The only remaining problem was that, at this moment, any movement against Dukat could be a movement against Ziyal. Whatever her father had done, Ziyal was an innocent. She deserved better. Kira knew that on Deep Space Nine, with Narin and Mursa around, Ziyal would probably be accepted, more than she would be on Cardassia or Bajor. So, Kira would take her there. If she could convince father and daughter that it would be for the best, she could lead Ziyal out of the line of fire before striking at Dukat.

When dinner was interrupted by an actual attack from Klingons, Kira found her chance. She taught Ziyal what weapons were the most practical for battle and the girl, in the middle of seemingly idolizing her, switched the subject back to her father.

“You don’t like my father much, do you?”

“No. I guess I don’t.”

“I understand. He did some very bad things during the Occupation.”

“He did.”

“It bothers him, you know.”

“Does it?”

Kira actually didn’t know whether this was a complete lie or not. If Dukat regretted doing anything, it probably wasn’t for the right reasons.

“He talks about it sometimes. He’d never admit it to anyone else, but he thinks the Occupation was a mistake.”

“I don’t think he’d be saying that if the Cardassians had won.”

“Maybe not. But maybe losing made him a better person.”

“Then a lot of innocent people died to pay for his education.”

“I know. But when I look at my father, I have a hard time seeing a murderer.”

When Ziyal was five years old, her father gave her a pretty new doll. She didn’t know how he obtained it. The murder was, in Dukat’s mind, committed for her, but she couldn’t see the murderer there. Kira wondered if Dukat saw the murder, or if he saw it as no different than buying something at a market.

The fight went on and Kira watched father and daughter make each other proud over and over. Ziyal was a good little soldier for Dukat. It became clear that Dukat didn’t understand that Cardassia, with it’s few resources, wasn’t interested in another war, but his pride could not accept it. He wanted to relive the glory days of being a military superpower, believing that would return Cardassia to greatness. Though most of Cardassia wasn’t interested, his men believed him and his daughter believed him. They were fighting their own war on this one ship. Dukat even wanted Kira to join their fight to rebuild the machine that destroyed her home.

Glinn Damar, Dukat’s other most loyal follower, taught Ziyal a knife trick so she could fight with and against Klingon weapons. She tried to test it on Kira, who knew an easy way around it. Kira had been doing this since she was much younger than Ziyal. Of course, like a young Kira, she was eager to learn how to fight, how to kill, and how to hate. She wanted to be just like Father.

It was difficult, even a bit painful, to separate the family. Dukat was dangerous and insane, but he loved Ziyal and gave her no reason not to love him. But, if he loved her, he had to let her go. He’d have to pay for what he’d done, but he couldn’t take her to hell with him. When he embraced his daughter to say goodbye, they both believed it would be temporary. Kira let them believe that.

“When this is over, I’ll come back for you. I promise you that.”

“I know you will.”

Kira took over parental responsibilities herself. Ziyal was pretty much already an adult, but she still had a lot to learn. Kira was also more than willing to let Narin help out. He was the sort of man Dukat pretended to be.

In defiance of Dukat, a new family was created on the station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Current Challenge: Ziyal has yet to say anything that isn't a direct quote from an episode script because I haven't really figured her out yet.


	13. Miles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak still isn't fond of Miles, even as he continues to suffer. Julian doesn't handle Miles' suffering very well.
> 
> CW: This chapter covers the events of Hard Time, so there will be quite a bit of discussion of suicide.

Julian was finally starting to feel better. He liked his work, he loved Elim, he had friends, it was all he’d ever wanted. The only trouble was when some of these things clashed. Julian had no trouble with any of Elim’s friends and was glad to see that he was beginning to get along with Kira. They actually had more in common than they’d ever willingly admit. As for his own friends, Elim actually seemed to admire Jadzia and he respected Leeta as a regular customer. He didn’t exactly get along with Worf, but he found him amusing. This left Miles as the only controversial member of the group.

No matter what Julian said or did, Elim and Miles hated each other. Miles didn’t express it often, preferring to avoid serious conflict, but every night that Julian spent out with Miles, was a night where he’d come home to a paranoid lover wanting to know everything they’d talked about and if they had even the slightest disagreement. Julian and Miles disagreed on many things and usually laughed it off, so there was always something.

“He called you ‘insufferable’ again?”

“Elim, it was only a joke. You’ve insulted me just as much before.”

“Well, I meant it affectionately.”

“So does Miles. Well, not in that way, but he doesn’t mean for the insults to be truly insulting. And, once again, you’re comparing him to yourself. How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?”

“Since you often seem to prefer his company to mine, I like to keep our similarities and differences in mind. I hope to learn from them. I thought you’d be pleased that I’ve been trying to improve myself.”

“All you’re doing is making yourself upset for no good reason and dragging me into arguments over it. These are not the types of arguments I enjoy, Elim. I’ll spar with you over literature and philosophy as much as you like, but I’m sick of trying to justify my friendships to you. I know you hate to see me truly upset, so maybe you could try not to upset me and let the subject drop.”

“Fine. You’re right, as always. Now, how do you want me to make it up to you?”

Even if they were real arguments, not just Cardassian flirtation, arguments pretty much always led to sex. So, at the end of the day, even though they were the most difficult part of their relationship, Julian didn’t mind them.

The next day seemed like any other day. That was until Captain Sisko informed him that something went wrong when Miles paid a visit to a planet called Argratha. It was only supposed to be for a week or two. They’d decided that innocent curiosity meant espionage and very quickly tried him and implanted a memory of a twenty-year prison sentence into his head by the time anyone knew that something was wrong. Miles had all the trauma of someone who’d actually served that prison sentence, probably in solitary confinement, though he’d only been hooked up to a machine for a few hours. Julian promised to do his best to help his friend, maybe find a way to reverse the process, remove the memories.

He knew that Miles looking at him like a mirage was to be expected, but that didn’t make it any better.

“I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I was pretty worried about you, too.”

His next thoughts were about his wife, but Julian had to run tests before he could see anyone. He knew Miles was probably eager to see anyone, to see people. In his mind, he’d been alone for twenty years.

To make matters worse, he was stuck like that. The memories weren’t implanted. They were the result of a simulation. They were real memories, impossible to remove. Julian had no idea how Miles was going to recover. He’d recovered from lots of things before, it was almost absurd how many terrible things had happened to time, but this was the worst yet. When he told Keiko that Miles was strong, he’d get through this, he was trying to convince himself.

Julian did his best to help his friend. He recommended that he see a counselor. It’d helped him after his time with Tain. Miles was stubborn about it. Despite his own troubles, it was hard for Julian to understand his behavior. He’d been happy to have help after what happened. The circumstances seemed similar. Both men had lovers to support them and counselors to help them work through their experiences. Julian knew that he wasn’t completely over what’d happened, but he’d made progress. Miles would, too, right?

Miles’ counselor was named Telnorri. When Julian went to see Counselor Razha, he was often nearby. One day, Telnorri stopped Julian and asked him to check on Miles. He’d been skipping appointments. So, Julian tracked him down and tried to reason with him.

“Counselor Telnorri says you haven’t been in to see him in ten days.”

“So?”

“So? You’re supposed to be seeing him three times a week.”

“What for? All Telnorri ever does is sit there and listen to me tell stories about what it was like to be in an Argrathi prison. How often did they beat me? Was I distressed by the lack of toilet facilities? If you ask me, he’s the one with the problem.”

“You could talk to a different counselor. I could ask Razha if she could make time for you.”

“Julian, I don’t want to talk to a counselor. I don’t need counseling or relaxation or time to adjust. I just want to be left alone.”

“I would think after being alone for twenty years you’d want someone to talk to.”

“You know, if there was one thing I didn’t miss over the last twenty years, it was your smug, superior attitude. Now, I said I wanted to be left alone and I meant it. So, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the hell away from me!”

When Julian returned to his quarters, Elim jumped at the chance to insult Miles again.

“It was the chief again, wasn’t it?”

“It’s not his fault, Elim. He’s been through a lot. I doubt that I was easy to put up with after Tain.”

“What did he say to you?”

“He wants to be left alone and he doesn’t want to go to counseling.”

“What exactly did he say?”

“That if I know what’s good for me, I’ll stay the hell away from him.”

“He threatened you!”

“He didn’t mean it! You attacked me when you were struggling with implant withdrawal and I forgave you, because I knew you were only acting that way because you were in pain. It’s the same with Miles.”

“I just don’t want you to be hurt anymore.”

“Promise me that you’ll leave him alone, Elim.”

“You know that I’m hardly a man of my word.”

“Promise me and mean it.”

“Fine. Because you’re you, I promise and apologize. Now, I know you’re exhausted. Come to bed and I’ll help you get comfortable.”

Julian still reported the incident to Captain Sisko. If Miles wouldn’t attend counseling, and he was lashing out at people like he was, he wasn’t in working condition. He judged Miles to be unfit for duty. He knew he was making more trouble for himself, but other people would get hurt if something wasn’t done.

It was no surprise when Miles came storming into the infirmary the next morning.

“What the hell did you say to him?!”

“It’s for the best, Miles.”

“How would you know what’s best for me? You don’t have any idea what I’ve been going through.”

“You’re right. I wasn’t there with you. I didn’t see what they did to you. But, I know that you suffered and that you’re still suffering right now. I might not know what it’s like to be alone in a cell for twenty years, but I know what it’s like to suffer and I’m trying to help.”

“I never asked for your help.”

“You didn’t have to ask. I’m a doctor…and your friend.”

“No. Don’t you get it? You’re not my friend. Not anymore. The O’Brien that was your friend died in that cell.”

“He’s not dead. He just needs a little help, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with needing help, you know. I-“

“Stop trying to compare yourself to me! Spending a few days with some Cardies until your boyfriend rescued you isn’t suffering. Compared to what I’ve gone through, that’s an inconvenience. Get over it! It was a year ago!”

“I’m not trying to make suffering into a competition.”

“Stay away from me. I don’t want your help. I don’t want your friendship. I don’t want to listen to your whining about being a damsel in distress! I just want to be left alone.”

Julian let him leave and reminded himself that Miles didn’t mean to insult him that badly. He was hurting and he didn’t know how to handle it, so he was trying to push some of it onto someone else. 

Julian still wanted to help. He called Keiko and asked to speak to Miles, but he wasn’t home yet. Every fifteen minutes for the next hour, he called and Miles wasn’t home. Five minutes after the fourth call, Keiko called him.

“Julian, Miles came home, but he just left. He…I know he didn’t mean to, but he almost hit Molly.”

“Is she alright?”

“Yes. It’s Miles I’m worried about. Please find him. Get him help. He’s more upset with himself than anyone else.”

Julian found Miles in the cargo bay, holding a phaser to his head.

As part of his medical training, Julian had been taught a little about mental health and how to handle situations like this, but he never expected that it would be his best friend he’d have to talk down.

“You don’t want to do this, Chief.”

“The hell I don’t.”

“Look, I can’t claim to know what you’re going through, but whatever it is, it’s not worth dying for.”

But Miles was convinced that he was a danger to everyone, especially to Keiko and Molly. Julian got Miles to admit that he wasn’t alone in his cell as a prisoner. He had a cellmate, Ee’char, who was there for him, kind to him, and Miles killed him as a result of a simple misunderstanding.

“If it’d been you instead of Ee’char…it wouldn’t have made any difference. He was my best friend. And I murdered him.”

From how Miles described Ee’char, he had a lot in common with Julian. Had the Argrathi, searching through his mind, decided to create a character to play his role? Miles had been trying to scare Julian away because he saw Ee’char whenever he saw him. He saw a man who could be his best friend, but still someone he could kill when it came down to it.

“When we were growing up, they used to tell us that humanity had evolved. That mankind had outgrown hate and rage. But when it came down to it, when I had the chance to prove that no matter what anyone did to me, I was still an evolved human being, I failed.”

Julian had to convince Miles that he wasn’t a monster. The Argrathi couldn’t take away his remorse. After that, all he could do was prescribe medication for the depression and hallucinations of Ee’char that Miles had been having and escort him to Counselor Telnorri’s office for his daily therapy session. He talked things over with Telnorri, Sisko, Keiko, and Razha while he was at it. When he returned home, he didn’t want to talk to Elim.

“What did he do this time? I take it he wasn’t happy about being relieved from duty.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did he hurt you? Did he attack you?”

“No, Elim. I’m fine.”

“Then why do you look like you’ve been hurt?”

“Miles…he tried to kill himself. I found him in the cargo bay with a phaser pointed at his head. I managed to talk him out of it, but…dear god!”

Julian collapsed into bed and let the tears fall. He felt the bed dip where Elim sat down next to him. Elim stroked his back, trying to soothe him, while letting him cry himself out. After ten seconds of complete silence, he spoke.

“I don’t understand. Why was it so vital to prevent Chief O’Brien from committing suicide?”

“Because…why are you even asking that? You don’t let people kill themselves, especially if they’re your friends!”

“The same Human mindset that saved my life before. I never understood it. I assumed it was purely sentimental. You cared too much to see me go. Was it the same with the chief?”

“No matter who it was, I wouldn’t let someone commit suicide.”

“Why not? If they don’t wish to continue living, who are you to force them?”

“Because if they were in their right minds, they’d want to continue living.”

“How can you be so sure of that? It might be the moral thing for them to do. If a Cardassian is damaged in a way that prevents him from doing his duty, a way that makes him a threat to those around him, then the best thing for him to do is to take his own life to spare his state and family.”

“Cardassian promote suicide?!”

“In cases such as those of Chief O’Brien, yes. He’s unable to work, he’s been violent towards others, if he wanted to eliminate the threat he presented, why did you stop him?”

“Elim, you’re disturbing me. After Tain, I couldn’t work for two weeks. I was unable to do my duty and you never suggested that I take my own life.”

“You never said you were suicidal.”

“Are you implying that if I’d wanted to kill myself back then, you would’ve encouraged me to do it?!”

“If that’s what would’ve made you happy.”

Julian stood up.

“You’re sick! Cardassia is sick! If you’re going to be that way, then why don’t you all kill yourselves!”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I don’t. But you do. You want Miles to die, don’t you? You care too much for me to kill him, so this is the next best thing, isn’t it!”

Julian stormed out of his quarters. Home wouldn’t be of any help to him tonight. He had no idea where he was going, but he couldn’t stay with someone as insensitive as Elim at a time like this.


	14. What You Do and Don't Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian gets some advice from Narin while Garak has a sleep deprived, guilt-induced breakdown.
> 
> CW: More discussion of suicide following the last chapter, a character hallucinates, lots of references to child abuse (Both Narin and Garak had terrible fathers)

Narin was glad that Mursa had made a friend. Ziyal wasn’t exactly close to her own age, but she was young and the two girls had interests in common. Ziyal was a talented artist and Mursa was eager to learn from her. Narin didn’t want to interrupt the art lesson, so they’d stayed out quite late that night. It was late enough that the Habitat Ring would normally be deserted. But, there was someone else pacing the halls. Julian Bashir was up and about. Mursa ran up to him.

“Doctor Bashir!”

“You can call me Julian, Mursa.”

“Okay. Julian! …Julian, why are you crying?”

“I had a very bad day.”

“I thought Mr. Garak made you feel better on your bad days.”

“That’s part of the trouble. We had a bit of an argument.”

“Oh. Wanna tell Father about it? He knows what to do about everything.”

“I don’t really have anywhere else to go, so if it’s okay with him, why not?”

Narin was happy to help. He’d also have to have a talk with his friend for making poor Julian cry like that. It must have been a very bad day, indeed.

“It’s okay, Julian. Come and have some tea in our quarters. You can tell me all about it.”

And so he did. It turned out to be more than a simple argument. Chief O’Brien had nearly turned a phaser on himself and when Julian returned home, hoping for a little sympathy, Elim seemed to believe that Julian should’ve allowed O’Brien to take his own life.

“He’s jealous of Miles. He’s never liked him and he doesn’t like that I’m friends with him. He can’t kill him, but he wants to be rid of him.”

“I doubt that that’s his only motivation. What he said about Cardassian views on suicide is true. It’s generally believed that someone who can no longer serve the state should kill themselves to save resources for those who can work for them.”

“Do you believe that?”

“No. We all have people who’d miss us if we went away forever. It wouldn’t be fair to them. If Chief O’Brien died, he’d leave behind a wife and daughter who’d suffer without him. He’d leave behind a good friend who’d miss him. It’s not the state, but I believe that everyone has a certain amount of duty to each other, even if they can’t actively work.”

“That’s why you saved Mursa.”

“Precisely. When I first saw her as an infant condemned to die, I saw her grieving father. Little children can’t work, the very old can’t work, and the very sick can’t work, but that’s no reason for them to die. If we killed all the children, there’d be no adults.”

“So, not all Cardassians believe what Elim does.”

“I’m not even sure that Elim believes what Elim does.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He can’t possibly believe that you should die. Rakret H’ssti’er prevents it. He can’t want O’Brien to die, because it would upset you, another thing Rakret H’ssti’er avoids. He can’t want to die himself, because that would mean leaving you behind.”

“If he doesn’t believe it and it was obviously the wrong thing to say, then why did he say it?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps he said what he believes he _should_ believe. It’s the Cardassian way, after all.”

“I wish he wouldn’t insist on doing everything the Cardassian way. It’s not healthy.”

“Elim’s not healthy either.”

“He’s still better than me.”

“No, he’s not. None of us are. Cardassians see the past and present happening all at once, so a bad moment in the past lasts forever. We hurt each other badly and we all have to live with it for the rest of our lives. Elim’s been hurt a lot, hasn’t he?”

“Yes. He hasn’t told me everything, but that much is obvious. His father was a terrible man, for one thing.”

“A terrible man, yes, but Elim looked up to him.”

“He did?”

“We all look up to our fathers and mothers. They’re the first people to show us the world. I looked up to my father for most of my life.”

“I never looked up to my father.”

“Perhaps that’s another way Humans and Cardassians are different. We all love our families, even if we don’t want to. We love them even when they hurt us, even if we’re hurting them. I loved my brother right up until the moment he killed Toras. It took that long. I was his first victim, you know. He learned how to torture by practicing on me. Father let him do it. He said it was because he loved me. He wanted me to be strong and he thought enduring Ortek would make me stronger.”

…

_2338:_

_Gul Serak Devar towered over his twin sons. Ortek, hatched five minutes before his brother, stared submissively at his father’s feet. He was not the type to submit to anyone, but he made an exception for the Gul. If he didn’t, he’d probably get himself killed. Narin, the younger twin, was already crying._

_“My sons, I’ve been informed that you are both falling behind in school. You know what that means, don’t you?”_

_“Yes, Father.”_

_It meant five blows to the shoulder ridges. Ortek stepped forward to receive his punishment without being told to. That’s why he was Father’s favorite. He accepted discipline like a soldier._

_After the first blow, Ortek winced, but he made no sound. He managed to keep silent until the last blow, after which he whimpered slightly. The Gul circled around the child to face him._

_“Now, what do we say?”_

_“Thank you, Father. You’ve taught me a valuable lesson that I won’t forget.”_

_“Very good, Ortek. You are dismissed.”_

_Narin didn’t handle things quite so well. He cried out after every blow and stumbled through his “thank you”. Ortek hid and watched, ready to show up out of nowhere and laugh at his brother’s misfortune. He’d want to add in a few blows of his own. The Gul was proud of the fast learner._

…

“People like Elim and I might make you suspect that Cardassian fathers are normally terrible. Perhaps bad parents are more likely to raise exiles.”

“You’re a good father.”

“I try my best. Most Cardassians are at least decent parents. Gul Madred, sadistic to the point of inefficiency, never once hit his daughter. From what I’ve been told, Dukat has been an ideal father to Ziyal. Elim ended up with a father who could get away with not being seen as his father, and I ended up with a father with a private estate in the country, where things were easily hidden, and they were both the sort of parents who thought harsh discipline would make their children stronger and no one was around to stop them.”

“Tain used to lock Elim in a closet. It was a closet in his private study, so no one else came in there and no one knew about it. I wonder why Elim never told anyone.”

“And put his own desires above those of his superior? He wouldn’t have dared.”

“I tried to tell people when my father would yell at me and shake me, but they would always say I was overreacting or misunderstood his intentions or something. I was a stupid child who was just whining about being punished for bad behavior, as far as they were concerned.”

“The entire galaxy is full of terrible adults and children who keep their secrets. Speaking of parenting, it’s past Mursa’s bedtime and I highly doubt that she’s actually in bed.”

Mursa wasn’t in bed. In fact, she wasn’t anywhere in sight. She’d wandered off while Narin and Julian were talking. But, she left a note. There was a drawing sitting on her bed. Narin knew Mursa’s preferences in symbols and colors. Time around Elim had inspired her to create a secret code with her drawings. The very fact that she was using a code, even without translating it, meant that the message had something to do with Elim. If she’d left for any other reason, she’d have actually written a note of some sort.

“She’s gone back to your quarters. She’s worried about Elim. Worried enough that she didn’t have the time to put it into words.”

…

“JUli’an nu wuTh’er. JUli’an nu wuTh’er. JUli’an nu wuTh’er.”

_“Julian always forgives me.”_

Once again, instead of sleeping, though he was exhausted, Garak repeated calming words to himself, words he didn’t entirely believe. He knew he’d gone too far this time. He wouldn’t be surprised if Julian left him and found someone with a heart worthy of his own to take his place. He was trying to start a conversation, perhaps a debate, something to keep Julian from worrying. Even if he lost someone in that way, the person he’d lost would be happy, so there was no reason to be upset. Besides, he’d been told that Humans no longer grieved. They accepted death as a part of life and didn’t fear it. Garak wasn’t sure why death in any manner would upset them if that was true.

Now, Julian had every reason to be afraid of Garak, a cold-blooded killer who didn’t care about death. It wasn’t true. Tain had told him that death was just a consequence of disobedience or weakness. When old people got too weak, they died. When people betrayed the state, they died. Children were Cardassia’s future, so they weren’t supposed to die, but a dead pet was a reminder that they needed to focus on their true responsibilities.

Lack of sleep wasn’t good for the mind. Garak could actually see a dead Cardassian Lemur being held by its broken neck.

_“I thought I told you to get rid of it. I hope you’re grateful that I did your work for you. That’s two hours in the closet every day for the next month. If you keep crying over it I’ll make it two months. Don’t be so sentimental! It’s only an animal. Save the tears for your fellow Cardassians if you’re going to insist on crying.”_

Lack of sleep wasn’t good for the mind. It might the nightmares happen while one was awake. Now that hand was grabbing him by the throat, dragging him away. He knew where he was being taken. For every sound he made, another ten minutes would be added to his sentence.

It was so dark in that closet. The walls were impossible to see. He couldn’t tell if they were really getting closer. He didn’t know what was in the closet with him. There could be a hidden voles’ nest. He could accidentally place his hand down in the wrong place and be bitten.

Garak only now realized how much he ached. He could feel fresh bruises all over him. There was blood on his clothes. When did that get there? And why was it so cold? Now he wasn’t wearing clothes at all. Did Uncle Enabran take them? Why? He didn’t remember this. This wasn’t a flashback, just a nightmare.

Julian was there. When did he get there? Why was he in the closet? He was always good, so it made no sense that he was being punished. He was crying. Garak wanted to comfort him, but he pulled away. Garak tasted Human blood on his so’c, along with Tain’s pheromones. Again? It’d happened again. But it was worse this time, because Tain was stronger, strong enough to make Julian bleed. Garak couldn’t stand to be good anymore. Julian was hurt and scared, even of him.

“Uncle Enabran? Please let Julian go. I’ll be good enough for both of us. Don’t hurt him anymore. Hurt me instead. I deserve it. But please! Let him go! I’ll be good! Please!”

…

When Julian and Narin arrived, Mursa was already there, talking to Garak, who was talking to someone that wasn’t her.

“Mr. Garak? Mr. Garak, wake up! Who are you talking to?”

From what Julian could gather, Garak was talking to Tain, a Tain from decades ago, back when he was “Uncle Enabran” to a much younger Garak. But, though he spoke as a child, he referenced Julian, as if he was there with him.

“I deserve it! I hurt him first! Let him go and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me. I’ll do anything! Please, Uncle! Julian’s not bad like I am!”

“Elim?”

The real Julian went over to Garak, sitting in front of him, looking into eyes that didn’t appear to see him.

“Elim! I’m here, Elim. I’m here and I’m alright. I’m not hurt. You’re seeing things that aren’t there.”

Mursa ran back to her father’s side. She could tell that this wasn’t a problem that she could solve.

“You were talking about Mr. Garak being sick and I wanted to check on him. I think he might’ve hurt himself.”

“I understand, Mursa. Go home and go to bed. There isn’t anything you can do here. Only a doctor can help a very sick person.”

Elim began to wake up, leaving his trance.

“Julian? You’re alright. I thought you were hurt, maybe even dead.”

“Well, I’m not. Right now, you’re the one who’s hurt. What happened?”

“I haven’t been sleeping well. I was having a nightmare, I think.”

“Lack of REM sleep has been known to cause hallucinations in Humans. It seems like Cardassians are even more prone to such symptoms.”

“I didn’t want to dream.”

“I know you’ve had as many nightmares as I’ve had.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to dream. If I was handling my own madness, I wouldn’t be able to help you.”

“If you handled your own madness, it wouldn’t have worsened and you would’ve been able to help me better. I think we both need lots of help, Elim.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not taking care of myself. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry that I said what I said before.”

“Nu ka wuTh’I.”

Elim kissed him.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

“Perhaps you don’t. But I forgive you anyway.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“I don’t care what you do or don’t deserve. But, I would like you to promise me a few things.”

“Anything.”

“Promise me that you won’t hurt yourself.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me that you won’t talk about suicide the way you did.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me that you won’t ask for every little detail about the time I spend with my friends.”

“I promise.”

“Lastly, promise me that you’ll take a sedative if you can’t sleep instead of staying up until you start hallucinating.”

“I promise.”

“Thank you. I’ll hold you to it. I’d also like to recommend that you see a counselor. I know you probably think that counseling doesn’t help Cardassians, but you can’t say that for certain if you don’t try.”

“I’ll consider it, but that’s not something I can promise you.”

“Thank you for being honest. You don’t do that nearly enough.”

“I’m honest with you about almost everything if you know where to look for the truth.”

“You hide it very well.”

“As I’ve been taught to.”

“Now, for the love of whatever you find sacred, get some sleep.”

“Yes, sir.” 


	15. No Matter What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ziyal tries to figure out why everyone hates her father. They all have very good reasons, reasons she understands, but love is more complicated than that.
> 
> CW: A lot of characters go into tragic backstory, all of which has already been discussed earlier. I'm deliberately writing Ziyal's love for her father like someone who's been manipulated into dating a criminal, so there's that incest subtext. Also, there are references to Garak/Ziyal, mainly about why it's not happening.

Ziyal still didn’t understand anything. Deep Space Nine wasn’t a bad place to live, but everyone there absolutely hated her father. She’d decided to investigate the matter, since Nerys was always vague on details when talking about bad things her father had done. Father actually liked Nerys and wanted them to be friends. He said he was sorry about the Occupation, though he didn’t like talking about what he’d done.

But, Nerys wasn’t the only one who was upset. Mursa, a nice, kind of childish, Bajoran girl who was mostly raised by a Cardassian man, said that Ziyal’s father frightened her.

“He took Father and me from our house and Father said he was going to kill me if we didn’t help him kidnap Julian. He gave me a hypospray that made me sick so Julian would go to an abandoned cargo bay to help me and then he gave him a hypospray that made him fall asleep. Then, he tried to make all the Bajorans think Father was his brother who’d done bad things. He was going to let Father die or go to prison, just as a distraction so Starfleet wouldn’t leave to rescue Julian and Mr. Garak had to go by himself.”

“Garak is one of the people my father doesn’t like. He says he doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“Mr. Dukat is meaner to Mr. Garak than Mr. Garak was to him. Julian didn’t even do anything bad to him!”

Narin, Mursa’s Cardassian father, also had a few things to say about the Occupation of Bajor.

“Gul Dukat killed Mursa’s mother, you know. Her real name is Loral Mursa, the daughter of Toras and Perin. While Dukat was still living with your mother, when you were a very little girl, he took Perin away from her husband to be his concubine.”

“I remember that there was a lady who used to live with us. She almost never left her room.”

“That was Perin. Dukat didn’t love her like he loved your mother. He just wanted to hurt her because he was angry at the Bajorans for fighting against the Occupation. He did that a lot. He picked Bajoran women to hurt when he was mad at Bajor.”

“But I never saw any other Bajoran women in our quarters other than Mother and Perin.”

“There’s a reason for that, but that’s a story for another time. Perin kept meeting with her husband in secret and she became pregnant. Dukat thought the child was his, but Mursa was born with no Cardassian features and he killed Perin for being unfaithful to him.”

“But she was unfaithful to time, in a way.”

“She never wanted to be with him. She was already married and happy with her husband. It wasn’t fair to her.”

“I’m just saying that I understand why my father was angry, even though what he did was wrong.”

“Don’t try to make excuses for him, Ziyal. He took Perin against her will and was offended that she defied him.”

“I still can’t see my father doing something like that.”

“It’s the truth.”

Ziyal kept looking for opinions and listening for stories about her father. She asked every Bajoran on the station willing to talk to her. The main opinion left that she wanted was that of Garak. Why did Father hate him so much that he kidnapped an innocent Human over it? Ziyal didn’t know much about the Human everyone called Julian. He was the doctor in charge of all the other doctors on the station and the air around him tasted Cardassian, most likely matching Garak. Ziyal hadn’t met Garak yet, so she couldn’t say for certain.

Ziyal waited for her chance to make contact with Garak. She’d thought about simply asking Narin to arrange a meeting, but he might say “no”. Her chance came when Nerys invited her to watch her play a game of springball. Garak and Julian were in the crowd watching the game. Well, Julian was watching the game. He seemed very energetic for someone over the age of thirty. Garak didn’t seem to care quite so much. Maybe this was Julian’s idea. Humans would often go places with their mates, purely to spend time together, no matter what they were doing. Perhaps Julian had invited Garak on one of those “dates”, as they were called and forgot to consider whether this was something Garak would be interested in, just because he was. Rather socially clumsy of him.

She managed to catch Garak’s eye. He could see that she was watching him and now he was watching her back. Julian watched Garak watch her and got annoyed about it. She’d made him jealous. It was kind of funny, though Ziyal also felt a bit bad for messing up their “date”.

After the game, Ziyal got onto a lift and Garak appeared to follow her. They stood on opposite sides of the platform, both knowing to be cautious around the other. Garak was the one to begin the conversation they’d inevitably have to have.

“You’re not going to hurt me, are you? Normally I would simply make a strategic withdrawal but there doesn’t seem to be any way out of here.”

He used humor to lighten the mood. Ziyal tried not to laugh. She didn’t expect Garak to be this charming.

“I don’t think I’ll hurt you. In fact, I think it’s safe to say you have nothing to fear from me.”

“And you, my dear, have nothing to fear from me.”

Ziyal wondered if Garak was flirting with her. If he was, it was closer to Bajoran flirting than Cardassian flirting. If it was flirting, she wanted to be offended. He clearly already had a mate. But, she liked the attention. Maybe it was because she was still homesick and missed her father and Garak was just a little bit like him.

Ziyal needed a chance to interview Garak in private. She wanted to imagine that it was a “date”, though she didn’t want to encourage infidelity. “Dating” and mating weren’t exactly the same thing, after all. She wanted it to be someplace nice, something to remind them both of home. She’d been told that that’s what holosuite programs were for. A Ferengi named Quark was in charge of those, so she’d have to ask him.

Ziyal felt out of place at Quark’s bar, surrounded by people drinking and various Bajoran women in revealing outfits spinning wheels for gamblers. It was loud and the air smelled like alcohol. She looked around for Quark. She kind of didn’t want to approach him. She’d heard stories about him trying to take advantage of pretty Bajoran girls and she worried that she might qualify. 

One of the women at the wheels noticed Ziyal and went over to her. She appeared to be one of the older ones, at least ten years older than Ziyal.

“You look a little lost. What’s the matter?”

“I want to ask Quark about obtaining a holosuite program, but I’ve never talked to him before, so I’m just a little nervous. I’ll be fine in a moment.”

“What sort of program are you looking for?”

“I want to find a place where I can meet with a friend and we’re both from Cardassia, so I wanted to find a program that looked like home.”

There was a flash of fury in the woman’s eyes at the mention of Cardassia. She must’ve suffered a lot during the Occupation.

“I’ve seen someone around here who’s rented Cardassian programs before. If you don’t want to face Quark alone, maybe he’ll give you some advice. I think I saw him a few minutes ago. He was near the counter.”

Ziyal wasn’t surprised that this expert on Cardassian programs was Julian. There weren’t very many options. He was drinking and talking with another Human. He recognized her and waved.

“Ziyal! What brings you here?”

“You’re Dukat’s daughter, aren’t you?” said the other Human, another person who didn’t like her father very much.

“Yes, I am. Julian, may I call you Julian? Everyone I’ve ever talked to who’s mentioned you does.”

“That’s alright. I don’t really want to be Doctor Bashir while I’m sitting in Quark’s, anyway. I’ve had to much to drink to be on duty. Once again, what brings you here?”

“I’m looking for a good Cardassian holosuite program.”

“Why sort of program?”

“Somewhere where two people can sit and talk.”

“How about a program where three people can sit and talk? If you’re planning on invited who I think you’re inviting, then I’d like to join you.”

“That sounds alright. I don’t intend to discuss anything too personal.”

So, Ziyal obtained a Cardassian sauna program to invite Garak too. He seemed suspicious of the whole thing until she mentioned that Julian would be there. It kept Quark from calling it a date, since he defined a man and a woman in the holosuite together as a date. Garak told Ziyal not to discuss women with Quark.

“Ferengi sexual politics are one of the few mysteries that I genuinely do not want to solve.”

“You go on dates with Julian and he never sees it, but a little time with me is instantly suspicious?”

“Exactly.”

The sauna program was pleasant with several nice rocks to curl around under an artificial Cardassian sun. Garak arrived a bit late, reluctant to spend time with the daughter of a man who hated him. He relaxed a little when Julian arrived. The sauna program was too hot for a Human, and apparently saunas on Earth were enjoyed with very little clothing, so, though Garak and Ziyal remained fully clothed, Julian was nearly naked, which was a bit awkward. He wasn’t comfortable lying on a rock, so he’d added a small pool to the program and sat down on some cool, wet stones under the water. Really, it was a mix of a Cardassian and Human sauna.

“So, I’ve been asking people on the station what they know about my father, why everyone hates him so much, and I wanted to ask you about why he hates _you_ so much.”

Julian answered first.

“You implied that you killed Dukat’s father, didn’t you, Elim?”

“That’s true. Well, not entirely. I didn’t kill him myself. He was executed based on confessions I interrogated out of him, among other things. I wasn’t the only one involved, but I was the one Procal recognized, so all the blame went to me.”

“Why did you have my grandfather executed?”

Ziyal had heard that Garak was a gifted storyteller, though few of his stories were true. Whether true or false, Ziyal wanted to hear the story, as did Julian, and Garak wanted to tell it.

…

_2367:_

_Normally, the Obsidian Order had no troubles working with Central Command. But, the Brotherhood changed that. Several wealthy families, most of them military, came together to stack the civilian government in their favor. Enabran Tain didn’t believe they deserved the power they intended to grab, so he sent his two best agents to investigate._

_The patriarchs of the Dukat and Lokar families, along with their sons, went on an expensive vacation to tour Cardassia’s only remaining rainforest. Pythas Lok played the part of a tour guide, helping Procal Dukat plan the journey. Elim Garak kidnapped him in the night to return him to their base._

_It was a difficult interrogation. Procal lost his mind and then regained it. Garak couldn’t get the names of any other members of the Brotherhood. But, the broken pieces of Procal Dukat were easily arrested and tried. He admitted that his ambition outweighed his patriotism and expressed regret. At the very least, he was a more honorable man than his son._

…

Ziyal still had more questions. She wanted to know about why Julian was kidnapped and what happened. Garak turned to Julian and let him answer for himself.

“Your father sold me out to Enabran Tain, another one of Elim’s enemies. He kidnapped me and handed me over to him. Tain tortured me, of course, but his primary goal was to regain control of Elim by 'asserting dominance' over me. Dukat knew that’s what he planned to do and even told Ortek Devar, a man who worked for him, that he could do the same, though Tain wouldn’t allow it. Dukat wanted it to happen.”

“But it was more Tain than my father, wasn’t it?”

“That doesn’t change a thing.”

Julian seemed to physically fold in on himself, covering his chest with his arms. Garak climbed off his rock to go sit beside him, pulling him out of the pool to lean against him.

“Ziyal, my father was a terrible man and I couldn’t stop myself from loving him. I understand how you feel.”

“No you don’t. Father loves me. I know he does. Even if he hurts everyone else, he loves me. And I love him. No matter what anyone says, it’s not that I _can’t_ stop. I don’t _want_ to stop! I spent five years in a prison, dreaming of him, dreaming of the day he’d rescue me. He’d take me into his arms and tell me how much he loved me and we’d go live somewhere far away together, where no one could bother us.”

“That’s not exactly what happened, Ziyal.”

“Not at first, but it was almost like that. It’d been years since I’d felt loved. I was a child the last time anyone told me they loved me. It was Father that time too, right before Mother and I got on the shuttle. He said he loved us both and he’d come and visit us very soon. It took five years! But, he came back. Even now, I wish I could be with him.”

Garak looked concerned while Julian just looked confused. They still didn’t understand anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't actually get that much of an incestuous vibe from Dukat and Ziyal in canon, but their dynamic is some kind of messed up and I'm writing it more as a dark parallel to Garak and Julian. Both Dukat and Garak come across as obsessive at times and both Ziyal and Julian forgive them for absolutely everything. I try to avoid Darkness For Darkness' Sake, but this was the direction things went when I was outlining the story. There won't be anything explicit here, I promise.
> 
> Feel free to tell me if this does or doesn't make sense in the comments.


	16. Don't Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ziyal gives Garak and Julian a few moments alone together and they take full advantage of that time. But, shortly after that, they receive news that delights one of them, but worries the other.
> 
> Smut and gratuitous Kardasi shall ensue.

Ziyal left the two men alone in the sauna program. Garak and Julian were still huddled together beside the pool.

“Elim, what was that about?”

“Hopefully nothing. That poor girl’s been alone for so much of her life that she’s a bit desperate for affection. Her father was the one who gave her what she needed. It was another thing that made him feel powerful. When she misses his affection and he misses the power it gave him, there might be trouble.”

“I don’t need another reason to be afraid of Gul Dukat.”

“No one does, but I’m afraid that’s just the way it is, my dear.”

“I’m so tired of worrying all the time.”

“As am I. But, we don’t have to worry right now.”

“Do you mean that you don’t want to be paranoid for once in your life?”

“Not if it starts rubbing off on you. Your absurd Federation optimism is part of your charm.”

“And your stubborn Cardassian cynicism is part of yours. We balance each other out, don’t you think?”

“I suppose so. Now, do you how long Ziyal booked this holosuite for?”

“We should have at least another hour.”

“Perfect. Computer, decrease ambient temperature to twenty-five degrees.”

Much hotter than Human room temperature, but good enough for a setting that was supposed to be hot.

“Only twenty-five? Won’t you get cold?”

“I don’t need the temperature to be quite so warm if I’m going to be physically active.”

“Physically active?”

“With your permission, of course. I’ve been staring at your near-nudity for long enough without being able to react accordingly.”

“I’d love to, Elim, but I’m sure how I’m supposed to get comfortable with nothing but rough, uneven surfaces to lie down on.”

Garak just started removing his clothes. He silently gave the solution to Julian’s dilemma by laying his clothes over one of the rocks. The heat wouldn’t directly touch his skin and the rough texture of the rock would be covered by soft fabrics.

“Oh. I guess that solves it, then. Now, are we just going to stand here, or are you going to kiss me?”

Garak kissed him, caressing his neck and shoulders, but not going any lower. Julian no longer minded Elim looking at his bare chest, but he still didn’t like anyone touching it. He was surprised that Julian was able to strip down in the sauna in front of Ziyal, a near stranger. Maybe she was just really non-threatening.

Garak slid his hands down Julian’s sides, lightly scratching, but not quite daring to leave marks. He was reluctant to be rough with him now, so he avoided the biting and scratching that had been a key component of their mating before Tain. If Julian wanted that, Garak hoped he’d ask for it. He wouldn’t risk taking him by surprise.

“JUli’an, nu e’zIraik, nu tUrnik, nu bre’ratik, nu itzik’pey mitkaderbik, nu…viraterik…”

_My love, my warmth, my reducer of pain, my night flower, my everything…_

Julian enjoyed being praised and flattered during times like this. Garak often did so in Kardasi to emphasize his sincerity. 

“I can’t possibly be everything. There’s still Cardassia.”

“Let me flatter you, dear. ‘Everything’ might be hyperbolic, but the rest is not.”

“Probably because most of it is metaphorical.” 

“Metaphorical is not the same thing as false.”

“Since you’re an expert on the subject of falsehood, I’ll take your word for it.”

“I’m glad you appreciate my wisdom. Now, please remove your undergarments and bend over that rock that I covered for you.”

“Moving a bit fast, aren’t we?”

“You’ll see.”

Garak intended to take his time. Saunas were a place for relaxation, after all. So, Garak kissed and caressed Julian’s back, enjoying the salty taste of the Human’s sweat. Julian laid on his stomach, draped over the rock, silent except for the occasional sigh or groan.

Garak was just as slow in preparing him, wondering when Julian’s short attention span would really kick in. Garak had three fingers inside him when he finally got the desired reaction.

“Elim…I know you’re trying to be gentle, but you don’t have to be _that_ gentle.”

“So, you’re ready then?”

“Yes.”

“You know, I sprung this on you quite suddenly. Are you sure you want it?”

“Yes! Damn it, Elim! Are you going to fuck me or not?”

Julian knew perfectly well that Garak always wanted to have him begging before entering him. It was routine now. Julian laughed as he played his part. The laugh was cut off by a loud moan when Garak buried his prUt inside him. Still, Garak continued to be slow, thrusting and grinding lazily. Julian hadn’t seemed that enthusiastic when they started, though he definitely consented. Garak wanted to get him worked up. It was more fun that way.

The plan worked perfectly. Julian began moaning Garak’s name and begging him to go faster. Each time he did, Garak sped up only slightly. He knew that if Julian was genuinely upset by the teasing, he’d let him know.

“Elim! Elim…go faster! Nu slet’net’I!”

_Fuck me harder!_

Julian also seemed to know that Garak enjoyed hearing him speak Kardasi, no matter what he said. But, to hear such vulgar words in his native language, coming from someone he’d taught those words to, brought his pleasure to a new level. He’d had enough teasing. He planned to give Julian exactly what he wanted and then some. He found where is lover’s prUt was rubbing up against the fabric below him and took hold of it.

“Ka kor derbet’o, JUllin?”

_Do you like that, dear Julian?_

“DiTh! DiTh! Kor ge’net’I! Thuza! Cufnu hec’I!”

_Yes! Yes! Do that more! Please! Come inside me!_

“Thuza” didn’t serve quite the same purpose as “please” in this context, but Garak wasn’t in the mood to correct Julian’s grammar.

“JUllin, sepnu hec’I.”

_Dear Julian, come with me._

Julian came only a fraction of a second before Garak did.

Garak had learned that Human males grew tired after orgasm. Cardassians didn’t experience this fatigue, just becoming unable to evert for a while. So, Garak had to wait for a few minutes as Julian rested on the rock, almost basking like a Cardassian would normally do in a sauna. Eventually, be picked him up and shook him awake gently. They both got dressed and left the holosuite. Ziyal was waiting around outside.

“I hope you both enjoyed the sauna program that I paid for.”

Garak noticed that she looked at Julian when she said this, barely hiding the irritation in her voice. He suspected that she was jealous. It seemed that when she wasn’t daydreaming about her own father, she took an interest in other men his age. Perhaps it was because there weren’t many people in her age range in the Breen prison camp. After being rescued, she was alone with her father and the men loyal to him. Hopefully, now that she was in a place with a more diverse population, she’d find a boy her own age to chase after. She’d probably make him happy. She was a nice girl, even if she was irritable at the moment and not completely emotionally stable.

Julian, noticing that Ziyal was glaring at him, handled the situation himself.

“Yes. We enjoyed it very much. Since we were the ones who did most of the enjoying, I’ll cover the costs for the holosuite time.”

Ziyal didn’t seem to know that the Federation, that didn’t use currency by itself, provided all Starfleet officers with the same amount of credits to spend in places like Quark’s, so paying for things was never difficult for him. Garak had no idea where Ziyal got her money from, but it was most likely a smaller allowance. She smiled, thanked him, and went on her way.

Garak and Julian went back to their quarters, though Julian was called away to a staff meeting not long after they got there. He only had time for a quick shower before running out the door again. When he came back, he had news.

“I’m going to the Gamma Quadrant tomorrow! It’s going to be a real scientific expedition!”

“I’m glad you have a chance to spend some of your time in Starfleet doing what you signed up for. Of course, I also hate the idea of you being out in the Gamma Quadrant on your own.”

“I won’t be on my own. Jadzia and Kira are going, too.”

“I meant that I won’t be with you.”

“I’ve gone on plenty of away missions without you before and I can take care of myself just fine. You don’t need to worry about me, Elim.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Enough to actually say it? This is serious. What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about this.”

“Well I feel the opposite. Don’t worry! I’ll go out there, see amazing things, and come back to tell you all about it very soon after.”

Garak let the subject drop and didn’t mention his worries again when Julian left the next morning. He’d been too controlling in the past and Julian had recovered enough from his previous experiences to not want to be fussed over. His Julian was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He’d done so for years before they’d met and mated. Garak knew he had to stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen.

But, when Major Kira returned from the mission without the two Starfleet officers, Garak began to wonder if his paranoia wasn’t justified, after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took an abnormally long amount of time for me. I don't really know why. Sorry about that.


	17. The Quickening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak hears news of Julian's trip to the Gamma Quadrant not going very well.
> 
> This chapter is named after the episode it discusses because I couldn't think of a better title for it.
> 
> CW: Some of Julian's past is referenced, including an incident that could be considered child abuse.

Garak had been happy to see Julian being happy. After Chief O’Brien’s attempted suicide and the insensitive way Garak had handled it, Julian had been in a worse mood than before. Garak had followed Julian’s advice and went to therapy, where his lover’s mood was all he wanted to discuss.

Counselor Razha was patient with Garak, quietly listening as he told his stories.

…

_It was either late night or early morning. Julian had managed to slip away silently. Garak found him gazing at the stars, arms wrapped around the stuffed creature he kept on the shelf in their bedroom. When Garak sat down next to him, he didn’t seem to notice. He tried to get his attention by patting the head of the toy, only for Julian to suddenly jump up and pull away, backing into a corner._

_“Don’t take him. Please, don’t take him!”_

_“Julian, why would I take that away from you? It’s yours.”_

_“It’s a children's toy. I’m not supposed to have him anymore.”_

_“But you have some reason for keeping him. It doesn’t offend me. I apologize if I upset you by touching him.”_

_“I’m sorry I freaked out. My father used to take him and hide him when I wasn’t smart enough.”_

_“Before he had you genetically enhanced.”_

_Julian nodded._

_“My dear, your animal is safe with me and I won’t touch him again. I promise.”_

_Julian embraced him, still clutching the toy in his right hand._

_“Thank you. Thank you so much!”_

_“It’s nothing, my dearest.”_

_“His name’s Kukalaka, by the way. It’s not a real name in any language, as far as I know, so it’s a stupid name, but I was a stupid child when I named him.”_

_“I wouldn’t use those same words. It’s an interesting name from an interesting child.”_

_…_

Garak left out the reference to Julian’s genetic enhancements when he told the story. He hoped that Razha would ask Julian about his childhood and give him a chance to tell parts of his story. It might help him heal. 

A healer who needed to be healed. Garak remembered some phrase from some piece of Human literature that Julian had mentioned to him: “Physician, heal thyself.”. Apparently, it was a proverb about avoiding hypocrisy or about making sure of your own well-being before helping others. The latter was a lesson that Julian needed to learn.

But, Julian had other people to heal first. According to Major Kira, there was a planet in the Gamma Quadrant suffering from some sort of plague. As a doctor, Julian couldn’t ignore their suffering, so he decided to stay on the planet to help them. Lieutenant Dax also stayed behind to help him. Kira intended to return for them in a week. Julian seemed confident that he’d have the problem solved by then. Garak wasn’t so sure.

“I’ve never heard of someone completely curing a disease in a single week.”

“According to Bashir, Starfleet doctors have cured plagues in even less time than that. He doesn’t know many historical details, but Starfleet has had this reputation for over a century.”

“So, his arrogance isn’t without some justification.”

“He’s been led to believe that he can work miracles.”

“If anyone could, it would be him.”

Kira left again shortly after, promising to circle back to pick up the two Lieutenants. When she returned, Lieutenant Dax was with her, but Julian had decided to remain on the planet for a little while longer. Something had gone wrong in his attempts to cure this plague and he wanted to make it right. Garak, wanting to know what sort of mental state his Julian might be in when he returned, asked Dax about how the mission had gone.

“It was engineered by the Dominion and they did a damn good job of it. Everyone on the planet is born with a disease that suddenly escalates and kills them at random points in their lives. They call it The Quickening. It’s gotten to the point that they look forward to their deaths.”

“If the Dominion created this disease as a tool of slow genocide, then I doubt there’d be an easy solution to the problem of curing it.”

“The EM fields from our instruments aggravated the disease, caused people to quicken faster and more painfully. All of Julian’s patients ended up pleading for death. It was terrible.”

Garak knew that Julian wouldn’t handle something like that well. Not only would he see people suffer terribly, not only would he lose several patients, but it would be due to his own oversight, for which the desperate people on the planet would no doubt blame him. He’d promised to save their lives and he’d be seen as a murderer. Garak knew how devoted Julian was to his profession. A failure like this was one of the worst things that could happen to him. Garak wished he wasn’t so stubborn, that he’d returned to the station with Dax. If he had, Garak could be there for him.

“Dax, I know that Julian’s not the type to give up easily, but why didn’t you attempt to persuade him to return with you?”

“Some of the people on the planet had mentioned that people had tried and failed to cure the Quickening before. The people had a habit of hunting them down and killing them. I don’t think Julian thought about this when he decided to stay, but I thought it was a good enough reason to give him another chance.”

“And if he fails again?”

“I’m sure Starfleet will protect him, but his failure would follow him, possibly for the rest of his life.”

“When is Major Kira leaving to retrieve him?”

“You want to come along and make sure he isn’t taken down by an angry mob.”

“Yes.”

“Kira already left.”

“Pled!”

“I can assume that that was some kind of Cardassian swear word. I’m sorry, Garak. I feel really bad for him, too. On the bright side, I think this could be a good learning experience for him.”

“What?”

“He admitted that it was arrogant of him to believe he could cure the Quickening. I told him it was even more arrogant to assume there was no cure because he couldn’t find it.”

Suddenly, Garak wanted to hurt Dax. If Julian already felt terrible about what’d happened, why did she want him to feel worse? Wouldn’t that be what Humans would call “kicking him while he’s down"?

But, Garak didn’t hurt Dax. Julian liked her, she was an intelligent woman, and she usually didn’t say things with the intent to hurt. He knew that if Julian had been physically present in that moment, and he’d been noticeably distressed by her words, he wouldn’t have been able to control himself.

Garak let Dax go and waited for Julian to return, ready to pick up quite a few broken pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So The Quickening is a Julian Learns a Lesson episode, but if DS9 had better continuity when it came to breaking their characters repeatedly, this would've been a serious traumatic experience for him as well. One of my Big Ideas for this fic was to address that. Julian went through something horrifying in a way that's very personal to him, and we're not just going to move on from that.


	18. Bury the Hatchet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak helps Julian through a bad spell of depression. O'Brien is equally concerned for Julian's well-being, leading to a talk between the two.

Julian knew that Garak was worried about him. He should’ve gone back to his quarters once he got back to the station. But, he couldn’t. He’d found a way to prevent the next generation of Teplans from being born sick. But, it wasn’t good enough. Would the parents be alive for long enough to raise their healthy children? Would a potential vaccine and a single healthy infant make up for the death that Julian’s failures had led to?

Julian went directly to the infirmary, working with the station’s computers to possibly stumble upon a cure at random. 

“Nucleotide sequencing complete. Viral reproduction normal.”

“Try an A-to-C base pair reshuffling.”

“Nucleotide sequencing complete. Viral reproduction normal.”

Julian had no idea how many hours passed. His enhanced stamina kept him working through the night and into the next day. His infirmary staff handled patients while he continued his research.

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Julian?”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Julian!”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“You’ve been hear for twenty-six hours now. You need to rest.”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Julian, please!”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Viral reproduction normal.”

“Viral reproduc-“

Julian felt himself being physically pulled away from the computer. He didn’t care who was doing it or why. People were dying and he’d promised to help them and he wouldn’t let anyone stop him. He struggled. He remembered all those people, all the screaming, the pleas for death when he could do nothing to save them. He’d failed them. He couldn’t give up.

It took all of Julian’s enhanced strength to break free, though he was soon captured again. This time, his captor didn’t try to take him anywhere. He just held him to his chest and waited for him to be still.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Julian. Let’s go home. I’ve missed you, you know.”

Elim’s voice. It was soothing. Julian realized how tired he was. The infirmary felt cold. He wanted to be warm under a blanket. He wanted to rest, to sleep while the arms around him held him.

“I’m sorry, Elim.”

“I understand, dearest. Don’t apologize. You’re devotion to your duty is one of the things that made me fall in love with you. But, if you really want to help people, to do that duty, you need to rest. You’re a doctor. You know that. You know that this isn’t healthy.”

“I want to go to bed now.”

“Good. Let’s go to bed.”

…

Of course, it wasn’t that simple. Julian fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. Garak held him and watched over him, not daring to fall asleep, knowing that Julian would wake before morning. He wasn’t surprised to feel him become restless. Garak knew the routine well. Julian had just found something new to have nightmares about.

“JUllin..”

He woke up with tears already in his eyes. Garak tried to comfort him, stroking his back and just listening as he talked.

“So many bodies…They didn’t even have a hospital. There was only a place where people went to die. A man said he cancelled his death to come to my makeshift hospital. He trusted me, believed in me, he died begging me to help him. The others wouldn’t even accept my help. They called for Trevean to kill them. There was nothing I could do. I failed all of them!”

“From what I’ve heard, you did create a vaccine for unborn children, so it wasn’t a complete failure.”

“I keep telling myself that. It doesn’t help.”

“When I was exiled, I’d tell myself that I did the right thing. I was ordered to kill someone and he ended up dead. I tried to give myself partial credit for a partial success. I wanted to forgive myself, but I couldn’t. I still haven’t. So, I can’t really tell you to forgive yourself. Perhaps I could suggest that you try to avoid ending up like me.”

“Your job was to kill and you killed. My job was to prevent death and people died.”

“You’ve met your first real failure. But, you’re not incompetent. You’ve had years of success before reaching this point. That means you’re going to recover. But, you won’t recover without rest.”

“I know.”

“Go back to sleep, Julian. I’ll be right here.”

Julian was asleep for around an hour and a half before another nightmare woke him. The cycle repeated twice more after that. Garak decided to take the day off and begged Julian to do the same, but he refused. Hoping it wouldn’t be seen as a betrayal, Garak told Captain Sisko about this and Sisko ordered Julian to take a week of sick leave, seeing a counselor daily throughout that week. Julian wasn’t happy, to say the least.

“Well, now I’m too sick to perform my duty. Thinking about putting me down yet?”

“Don’t say things like that.”

The following nights were more peaceful. There was at least one where Julian slept soundly until morning. He didn’t protest meeting with Counselor Razha, though he claimed that she wasn’t helping him as much as she used to.

“I’m starting to understand why Miles stopped seeing his counselor.”

He’d been relieved from duty and didn’t feel that his counselor was helping. The similarities to what happened to Chief O’Brien were a bit uncomfortable. But, Julian hadn’t gone through anything like twenty years in an unsanitary prison cell, so Garak hoped that these things weren’t red flags. 

Unlike the Chief, who lashed out frequently after his ordeal, Julian complained to Garak while trying to fake normality around everyone else. He still spent time with his friends in Quark’s bar and the holosuites. He joined Garak when he visited Narin and Ziyal. He complimented Mursa’s drawings. He laughed and told jokes. He only fell apart when he was alone with Garak. Even then, there were still times when they talked casually, discussing literature, and they even still had a sex life.

Garak didn’t believe that anyone but him and Counselor Razha would notice any difference in Julian’s behavior. He was proven wrong when Chief O’Brien stopped by his shop and asked to have a word with him.

“It’s about Julian. I’m worried about him. He, of all people, skipped counseling today. I sent him straight to Razha’s office and told him off for his hypocrisy, but the fact that he’d even try to do that is a little disturbing.”

“And you believe that I might have something to do with this.”

“No. I’m coming to you because if there’s anyone in the world who cares about him more than I do, it’s you. Julian’s told me about how you don’t trust me with him, but you’re only acting like that because you don’t want him to get hurt. I was the same way when he told me he was seeing you. I guess we’re both a bit overprotective of him. But, he needs all the help he can get, honestly.”

“He does.”

“So, for his sake, I was hoping to bury the hatchet.”

“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that expression.”

“It means deciding not to fight anymore, to stop holding things against one another. I’m wary of Cardassians after fighting them, but whatever Julian sees in you, it’s real. Maybe it’s just that he brings out the best in people. He was the only one on this station when we arrived who was even willing to give you a chance. I thought it was naive at the time, but I wasn’t very fond of him back then.”

“He’s mentioned that you used to hate him.”

“That’s right. I found him annoying. He never stopped talking, he was always saying stupid things, he was obsessed with women, he talked about advanced medical sciences as if everyone should know about it, and he was just so _eager_ to be in a place like this that I thought he was mad!”

“Meanwhile, I thought I hated Humans until I met him. I never understood why he was always by himself during those earlier years. He pestered Dax every now and again, but she could actually keep up with his tangents. I think he was infatuated with her because he thought she could understand him.”

“So, he was the only one of us to give you a chance and you gave him a chance when none of us would.”

“I suppose so.”

“That explains why you ended up together. I’ve been asking him for ages why he chose you, but that might be it.”

“Whatever the reason, I adore him.”

“I know you do. That’s why I want us to both stop trying to turn Julian against each other.”

“That’s fair. He hates it when I insult you.”

“He hates it when _I_ insult _you_!”

“Then let’s both stop insulting each other and consider the hatchet buried.”

Garak knew that he and the Chief could never be friends, but they could, in cases that involved Julian Bashir, be allies. 


	19. Return to the Gamma Quadrant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Odo is sick, Julian's feeling better, and Garak's on a mission to find out where Pythas Lok took Enabran Tain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it was all very quickly summed up at the end of the last fic, but not discussed much since, I'll add a little reminder here that in this AU, the Dominion didn't take out the Obsidian Order. They discovered the Changeling among them and abandoned the mission to attack the Founders. But, there's no way for the Order to meet up and organize, so it's as good as dead.

**To ND:**

**PL is MIA. Last seen traveling with ET into Dominion space. I require his assistance with something. Perhaps you could ask EG to look into it?**

**-KP**

…

“Does he really believe that referring to people by their initials is enough to protect their identities?”

“He’s a doctor, not an intelligence agent.”

“You told me that Pythas had captured Tain alive and was hoping to hide him away somewhere where he wouldn’t be found. I suppose the Gamma Quadrant would make for a good hiding place, though I doubt the Dominion would, after finding two men trespassing, allow one to live as their prisoner and set the other free.”

“Pythas should’ve known that. I think he was trying to make some sort of deal with the Dominion and planned on meeting them there to discuss it. The Founders nearly destroyed the Obsidian Order, so perhaps offering up the man who was leading it at the time of the destruction was meant as a deal to keep them out of Cardassian space.”

“All we know is both former heads of the Obsidian Order are out there either alive or dead.”

“And I would like to know which.”

“So, you’ll have to hitch a ride to the Gamma Quadrant.”

“That’s never been any trouble. I’ve got good connections.”

“Good enough that you might consider telling him about our plan and letting him help?”

“He’s in enough danger simply being in the area. I’ll let him go about his work while I go about mine.”

“He’ll want to know, especially if Tain ends up involved again.”

“I will consider it. But, I don't want to make him think about Tain if I don't have to.”

…

Up until now, Julian wasn’t sure if Odo could actually get sick. It turned out that he could, and when it happened, the Founders were the only ones who knew what to do about it. It was time for another trip to the Gamma Quadrant.

Julian had gotten a lot better since his last trip to the Gamma Quadrant. He still hadn’t found a cure for the Quickening, a fact that still upset him, but life was going on. He was working again, which turned out to be a nice distraction from his troubles. When it came to his personal life, he had a lot going for him. He loved his job, he had good friends, he was in love with someone who was in love with him, and that was all more than he’d really expected to find on Deep Space Nine. He’d hoped to find adventures and a chance to make a name for himself so far away from home that no one would ask questions. What he actually found was even better than that.

As the Defiant was readied for departure, Julian focused on his patient, not upon whatever horrors he might find out in the unknown. He also tried not to think about the fact that, since this was an emergency, he’d had no time to tell Elim what was going on. This had an 85.3% chance of causing an argument later, but an argument like that had a 72.8% chance of being followed by sex, with the fact that Julian had been away increasing the odds by at least 15%. So, in the end, it’d all work out.

“Benjamin, there’s someone asking permission to come aboard.”

“Who is it?”

“Garak.”

Of course, Elim found out all by himself. Julian actually liked the idea of having him along. He’d befriended Odo and could actually help out in the Medical Bay. Odo liked mysteries and the life of Elim Garak could probably be made into a whole series of mystery novels.

Of course, Worf, who was still new and didn’t seem to understand that this wasn’t a normal Federation starbase, and that people of questionable origins were regularly allowed to get involved in important matters, was ready to ruin everything.

“Tell him the ship’s off limits to Cardassian spies.”

“Sir, if Garak’s asking to come aboard, I’m sure he has a good reason.”

Julian decided not to mentioned that _he_ was most likely that reason. 

Captain Sisko, who knew that “what to do about Garak” questions where usually passed on to Julian, took his side and invited Elim to meet with him in the mess hall. Five minutes later, he appeared in the Medical Bay.

“Reporting for duty, Lieutenant.”

“What did you tell Sisko to convince him to let you tag along?”

“Well, it was the Captain himself that suggested that I might be able to Odo’s mind occupied by something other than his condition. I told him that if he gave me a seat near Odo’s bed, I could promise him that I’d conjure up enough innuendos, half-truths, and bald-faced lies about my ‘career’ in the Obsidian Order to keep the Constable distracted for days.”

“That could be very helpful, but I must admit that it makes me feel a bit jealous.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I thought you only told those sorts of lies to me.”

“My lies are freely available to everyone in this room, my dear. Perhaps, in these stressful times, you could use a bit of a distraction as well.”

“I’d certainly like one, as long as it doesn’t make my work impossible. Now, when are you going to tell me why you’re really here?”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“You’re not tagging along purely to be of service.”

“How do you know that?”

“I know you, Elim. Well, enough to know that you’re either here because you refuse to let me out of your sight, or because there’s something you want to achieve on this trip.”

“You’re right, as always, my dear, but now’s not the time to explain. Patience, Julian.”

The fact that Elim wasn’t even trying to give Julian a reason for why he was there made him suspect that this was about something other than him being overprotective. Elim wanted to meet with the Founders, for some reason. 

Time passed, Elim told his stories, and both Odo and Julian enjoyed them. As a way of making sure that Julian was still receiving some amount of special treatment, Elim only told Odo stories he’d already told Julian, which led to a game of a player creating puzzles for a second player, while stopping the third player from giving hints.

Elim told one of his favorite anecdotes. He’d once posed as a gardener to assassinate a Romulan proconsul with a deadly flower. 

“My speciality was Edosian Orchids, beautiful yet highly toxic.”

“They’re not always toxic!”

“Julian, you’re not a botanist.”

“Neither are you!”

“Wait. As I recall, Proconsul Merrok was poisoned.”

“Funny, I don’t remember that. But, then again, so many Romulan dignitaries died unexpectedly that year.”

“It must be hard to keep them all straight.”

“You can’t imagine.”

“I wonder how many unexpected deaths can be traced to the Obsidian Order.”

“Most Romulan assassinations are committed by other Romulans.”

After a few hours of this game, the Defiant made contact with the Founders and Elim indirectly confirmed that he’d tagged along to meet with them. He made a big show of worrying about how he looked, something Julian was pretty sure he only did when he was trying to appear “innocent”.

“How do I look, itzikais?”

Itzikais translated to something like “star bloom”. Flowers that bloom at night were popular terms of endearment in Kardasi, because “bloom” was common slang for “evert”. So, the implication was “that which causes me to evert at night”. Elim rarely used Kardasi terms of endearment outside of the bedroom, but he might’ve been trying to disguise the sentiment because of Odo’s presence. Julian wondered why he bothered.

“You look fine. Why does it matter?”

“I’m here as a representative of the Cardassian Union and I want to make a good first impression. Constable, what do you think?”

“I think the Romulans poisoned Proconsul Merrok and you were the one responsible for the transporter accident that killed Subcommander Ustard.”

“You’re getting warmer.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Julian! Now, what do you think about the collar?”

“Elim, ka zahsehv’I’er.”

_You’re always beautiful._

“Hif’ raDomin’yunaji terre’I’o?”

_But will the Dominion agree?_

“Nu tasperet.”

_I don’t know._

“Have you forgotten that I can speak Kardasi?”

The Female Changeling, well, the only female Julian knew of, arrived in the Medical Bay. She paid no mind to the two Solids to focus on Odo.

“Poor Odo…Look what’s become of you.”

“I’m not a pretty sight, am I?”

“Pretty? I wasn’t aware you applied such value to your outward appearance. Such concerns are more fitting of Solids.”

The Female Changeling ignored Julian when he asked if she could do anything for Odo. However, she did help Odo. They morphed together for a moment and then he appeared to be fine. Well, not completely, but he certainly looked better than before. A tricorder reading still showed his molecular structure to be fluctuating, but it was less unstable than it was. After reporting his findings, the Female Changeling once again dismissed him like a servant in the ancient household of some wealthy lord.

“Leave now. I wish to speak to Odo in private.”

“Odo is my patient, and…”

“It’s alright, Doctor.”

If he didn’t listen to Odo, he’d definitely have to listen to the weapons of the Jem’Hadar. Both were very persuasive.

“I’ll be right outside.”

Elim hesitated, still wanting to say whatever he was planning to say to the Founder.

“It can wait, Elim.”

“Of course.”

The Jem’Hadar followed the Solids outside to stand guard. Julian had some questions for Elim, which he asked in Kardasi to keep them from hearing. He didn’t believe the Dominion had knowledge of the language, and if they did, it would be the Vorta who would learn it, not the Jem’Hadar.

“Elim, Chek hi’o?”

_What is it?_

“Chek Chek’o, JUli’anlin?”

_What is what, dear Julian?_

“Chek ka jat tef’o?”

_What do you want to say?_

“Dear, we’re going to have to work on your Kardasi?”

“Elim, why did you want to come along on this mission?”

“After I have the information I need, I’ll tell you.”

“Will you tell me the truth?”

“Of course.”

They could only wait until the Changeling allowed them to return to the Medical Bay. She acted like she owned the place, but at least she left Julian alone. Elim stayed behind in the hall to speak to her. Julian listened.

“Excuse me, Madam, may I have a moment of your time?”

“You’re a Cardassian.”

“That’s right, and on behalf of my people, I’d like to learn if there were any Obsidian Order agents spotted in Dominion space after the failed attack.”

“Cardassians in Dominion space?”

“Yes.”

“None who survived.”

“So, everyone who came here is dead?”

“They’re dead, you’re dead, Cardassia is dead. Your people were doomed the moment you plotted to attack us. Does that answer your question?”


	20. Trolley Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak is torn between saving his people and saving the one person he cares for the most.
> 
> CW: Garak basically has a nervous breakdown over the threat to his people. There are hallucinations and generally dark thoughts.

Dead. All dead. Pythas was dead. Enabran was dead. Everyone else was going to die. Everyone on Cardassia. Mila was there. So were Palandine and Kel. Garak had devoted his life to serving Cardassia, and now he was going to lose all he’d ever worked for, not to mention his own life. It seemed that being off-world wouldn’t save anyone. What would happen to Narin? What about non-Cardassians that had joined Cardassian families. What would happen to Mursa? What would happen to Julian?

Garak had to act fast. He knew that the Founders, in their current state, just by looking at what they’d already done to the Gamma Quadrant, could destroy worlds, have their populations slowly dwindle, like what Julian saw on Teplan. The only thing that would eliminate this threat was if the Dominion was completely destroyed. No Founders, no genocide. That would mean committing genocide against the Founders, but if it had to happen to one race or the other, it wouldn’t be the Cardassians.

The planet that Tain had been searching for was right there. They were on their way. The Defiant could destroy it from orbit. Garak just needed to take control of the right weapons and all the Founders would be gone. But, that left the Jem’Hadar. The Jem’Hadar aboard the ship would kill him shortly after the planet was destroyed. But, he was weighing his own life against the entire Alpha Quadrant. There were also the others on the ship. The Jem’Hadar would probably treat every Solid on board as equally guilty. There was only one potential target that Garak simply couldn’t allow to be killed. Conclusion: He had to get Julian off the ship.

Garak had expected Julian to listen through the door and he had. The dear doctor immediately tried to offer comfort.

“Elim…I’m sorry. We won’t let that happen. Cardassia will survive this.”

“Of course we will. Julian, listen to me. Get into a shuttlepod and return to Deep Space Nine. It won’t be safe for you here.”

“Why? What are you planning?”

“I can’t tell you. All I can tell you is that if you’re still here after I do what needs to be done, there’s a very good chance that you’ll be killed. I’m not going to let that happen, so you need to go now.”

“Not if you don’t tell me what this is all about.”

“Julian, there’s no time to argue over this. You have to go.”

“No! If I’m in danger from whatever it is you’re up to, odds are that you’re in even more danger than I am and I won’t leave you alone to get yourself killed!”

“Julian, please don’t do this! Don’t make this harder than it already has to be.”

“I’m not going and that’s final!” 

Before Garak could say anything else, Odo attracted his attention and he returned to his patient. They went of to speak to the captain. Garak quietly followed hoping to get some of their conversation. It seemed that since Odo had killed another Changeling, something that had apparently never happened before, he was being taken to the Great Link to stand trial. It was also the only way to completely cure his illness.

There was good news and bad news. The good news it that they were definitely going to the Founders’ Planet. The bad news was that Odo would be down on the planet to be destroyed with the rest of his people. Garak didn’t like the idea of sacrificing Odo, but he was a Changeling and Garak was desperate. He had to put Cardassia first. Garak went to eavesdrop on the bridge in hopes of learning how much time he had and if it was at all possible to get Odo off of the planet before destroying it. He wouldn’t kill his friend if he didn’t have to. He listened to the Changeling speaking with Captain Sisko.

“We will be within transporter range of my world in less than one hour. After we achieve orbit, Odo and I will transport to the surface.”

“Doctor Bashir and I will be joining you.”

As if things weren’t already bad enough, now this was happening. Garak didn’t want to die, but he was willing to. He didn’t want to kill Odo, but he was willing to. But now, Julian’s life was on the line, because he just had to be the good doctor and be there to assist his patient. That stubbornness, that devotion to duty, that strange Human kindness, the things that Garak loved most about his mate, were now putting him in mortal peril.

Garak knew he’d never be able to convince Julian to stay on the Defiant, where his chances of survival were slightly better. He’d either have to kill him or let Cardassia die. He’d always feared having to choose between the two. He’d convinced himself that he would always choose serving the state over any personal loyalties. He’d already broken that rule with Palandine, but that was defying Tain, not the state. Nobody would’ve gotten hurt. Now it was one life or another.

…

_“So, Gul Takas must turn his own son in to be executed or let ten innocent people take the fall for it?”_

_“And of course he chooses the path of justice.”_

_“Put was his son actually guilty?”_

_“Does it matter? More people will die from one decision over the other.”_

_“This is a trolley problem.”_

_“A what?”_

_“There’s a philosophical exercise on Earth, a sort of riddle with no solution, about an old type of vehicle called a trolley. A trolley ran along tracks that were built into the ground. The trolley could switch between different paths if someone pulled a switch. In the trolley problem, five people are standing in the way of trolley with no way of escaping being hit. A man is standing by the switch to put the trolley on a different path, but on that path, there is one person with no way of escaping being hit. The question is, if you were the man by the switch, would you switch or not?”_

_“It’s obvious that one casualty is better than five.”_

_“That’s what most people say, but there’s a twist. In one version of the story, the five people on the first track are all strangers to the man at the switch, but the one person on the other track is the man’s child. A lot of people would value a single life over five if that life connected to theirs.”_

_“And I suppose if it were a Legate alone on those tracks, his life would have more value than five anonymous civilians.”_

_“To a Cardassian, perhaps.”_

…

Garak imagined five faceless people representing all of Cardassia, all standing in the path of some kind of missile, since he didn’t know what a trolley looked like. All of Cardassia was in harm’s way. He could save them all by changing the missiles path, but then it would kill Julian instead. In his mind, he kept reaching for the button that would change the missile’s course, but he could never bring himself to do it. The two powerful protective instincts cancelled each other out and he couldn’t make a decision.

The bridge felt like it was shrinking, so Garak fled and returned to the empty Medical Bay. The room still smelled like Julian. He was still there. Garak could see him. He knew for a fact that Julian had already left with Odo, but he could also see him there. He turned around and saw Garak. 

_“You said a pledge once. Don’t you remember?”_

Julian was joined by Tain, a Cardassian he was obligated to save.

_“Are you a Cardassian or a plaything for a Federation child to dangle from a string?”_

_“You would deny me nothing.”_

_“You’d throw away your past and future for your broken toy.”_

_“From pride and from pain.”_

_“I should’ve killed your mother before you were born. Don’t repeat my mistake, Elim.”_

_“Despite guilt and grief.”_

_“You’re little romance is your bastard son.”_

_“I am your fear and your fury.”_

_“The weapons systems are in a small room like a closet. How fitting.”_

_“With desperation and determination.”_

_“Don’t kill your father, my son.”_

_“You give me your love.”_

_“This is Palandine all over again!”_

_“Let no one rise above me.”_

_“He’ll be the death of you.”_

_“You won’t let anyone hurt me.”_

_“I marked him. I hurt him. There will be others. The only way to save him from more pain is to put him down now.”_

_“Protect me always, Elim.”_

Cardassians didn’t believe in fate. He was leaving so many lives to something he didn’t believe in. He went to do what needed to be done for Cardassia, hoping that he’d be stopped.


	21. Stop Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak tries and fails to wipe out the Founders and Julian responds by testing him.
> 
> CW: attempted genocide, attempted suicide, people generally being on their worst behavior. I promise that this fic won't get any darker than this.

Julian and Sisko were sitting on an island surrounded by a sea of living goo. That should not have been as boring as it was. Both men lost track of time and Julian lost track of where he was for long enough to nearly skip a stone across the Great Link.

“Not like I’d conduct any experiments, but what do you think would happen if someone cast a stone into the Great Link?”

“I’d assume that someone would get hurt.”

“But would it be whatever individual Changelings were hit with the stone or would they all feel it, all over the planet?”

“I have no idea.”

A long silence.

“The Changeling that met with Odo spoke with Garak. Well, he spoke with her, since he had a question for her. She admitted that the Dominion intends to kill all the Cardassians because Tain almost attacked their world. I don’t know whether she meant it or not, but I wouldn’t put it past the Dominion to kill entire worlds. They’ve certainly tried before.”

“How did Garak respond to this threat?”

“He seemed…distant. I know it upset him, but he rarely expresses those feelings where anyone else can see.”

“But he expresses them to you, I gather.”

“Sometimes. Not this time. He wouldn’t tell me what he planned to do about it, but he’s planning something.”

“One man against the entire Dominion?”

“I wouldn’t underestimate him. I think he believed that the Defiant would be attacked. He begged me to get in a shuttlepod and return to the station.”

“Doctor, why didn’t you report these suspicions to me earlier?”

“There just wasn’t time! I had to worry about Odo and by the time I had time to say anything, we were on this planet!”

“There would’ve been time to contact the Defiant, alert Worf that he might try something!”

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t forget. Maybe I just didn’t want to betray his trust.”

“And now he’ll betray yours.”

“He wouldn’t betray me. Elim can’t be trusted by most people, but he’d never betray Cardassia and he’d never betray me.”

“What if he had to choose one or the other?”

Julian had no idea what the answer to that was, but he had a feeling that he wouldn’t like it.

…

It was Worf who found him. When Odo wasn’t around, the Klingon loved to pretend to be Chief of Security, just like he was back on the Enterprise, the most famous ship in the Federation. Garak knew all about the Federation Klingon. But, a Klingon was a Klingon. There was no guarantee that he’d stop Garak. Killing the Founders was a good tactic for a warrior who’d surely have no objection to dying while honorably saving half the galaxy.

“Garak. Just as I thought.”

“Don’t tell me. I overlooked one of the security monitors.”

He overlooked it on purpose. He knew better than to overlook anything.

“You’re trying to override the launch controls for the quantum torpedoes.”

Stating the blatantly obvious was not a crime and Garak couldn’t break Worf’s neck for it, no matter how much he wanted to.

“I was hoping to gain control of the phasers as well. I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”

“I told the Captain not to let a Cardassian spy on board.”

“Don’t you see? We have an opportunity here! A chance to end the Dominion threat once and for all!”

Why wasn’t Worf stopping him? Did that mean that destroying the planet was the right choice?

“We have enough firepower on this ship to turn that planet into a smoking cinder. Personally, I think that would be a very good thing.”

“And what about Odo, Captain Sisko, and Doctor Bashir?”

If Worf knew anything about Garak, he would’ve mentioned Julian first or would’ve avoided mentioning him at all. Now he had to say out loud what he planned to do.

“They’ll die. And once the Jem’Hadar ships realize what we’re doing, so will we.”

“We are not here to wage war.”

“If we don’t destroy the Founders, war is exactly what we’ll get! Doctor Bashir won’t survive that war, at least not in spirit. Do you want to put him through that when we can end it now?”

“I didn’t know the Doctor meant so much to you.”

“You’re probably the only one on the station who doesn’t know.”

“That you’re sexually involved? That’s common knowledge. But, I assumed you viewed him purely as a source of amusement, and possibly a resource to gain access to Starfleet information.”

“You would think that, wouldn’t you? You weren’t here when he was kidnapped by Enabran Tain. If you’d seen us after we returned from Tain’s ship, you would know exactly what we are to each other. You’d know that I need to protect him.”

“Then don’t kill him. Do you think he’d understand your reasoning?”

“Try to stop me.”

Garak lunged for the controls. He knew Worf would interpret what he said as a dare, not as the plea for help that it was. It was exactly what he wanted. Worf beat him into unconsciousness. He stopped him. Garak couldn’t stop himself, but he’d found someone to do it for him.

…

Julian didn’t know what to think when Worf told him. He’d worried that Elim would want him to die in the Cardassian way because of his recent depression. From what he was told, it seemed like the news of the Founders' plans for Cardassia just drove Elim mad. Now, Elim would be recovering from mental illness in a cell, triggering his claustrophobia, believing he was incapable of doing his duty. Nobody realized that they’d just condemned him to death.

It seemed that madness was contagious between lovers. Julian barely held himself together while helping Odo adjust to his new life as a Solid. He didn’t go with Odo when he met with Elim. He’d been arrested and charged with sabotage and assaulting a Federation officer. They decided not add a charge of attempted genocide, because no one was really sure how to punish a single person for a crime normally committed by a large group. The sentence of six months in a holding cell was inhumane, amounting to solitary confinement, even if Elim wasn’t claustrophobic. As a doctor, Julian wanted to protest, but Captain Sisko wouldn’t have it.

“Doctor, that man tried to kill you, me, Odo, and many, many others. He’s lucky he’s not worth transporting to a prison colony or deporting to Cardassia for execution. Worf suspects that Garak may have deliberately let himself be seen by security and wanted to be stopped, so I’m letting him off easy. But, I’m not going to make this any easier for him. Are we clear?”

“Confinement to an isolated holding cell for over 72 hours is illegal under Federation Law!”

“That law only applies to Federation citizens.”

“So you’re using a loophole in the law to subject Elim to cruel and unusual punishment?!”

“He nearly destroyed a planet and murdered one of my officers who trusted him! He betrayed you, Doctor. If someone you’re in a relationship with tries to murder you, it’s a sign that the relationship should come to end.”

“You’re not ordering me to break up with him, are you?”

“I can’t do that. I highly recommend that you end your relationship with Garak, but I can’t order you to do so. But, I can order you not to see him throughout the duration of his sentence. We have other doctors to check in on him. In the mean time, I suggest that you consider other options.”

“Captain Yates smuggled supplies to the Maquis and she’s in prison right now and you’re not ‘considering other options’.”

“That’s a different situation.”

“Of course it is! It’s always different when it’s you or someone you care about.”

“Doctor, my personal life is not up for debate.”

“And neither is mine.”

Julian left Sisko’s office without being dismissed. He didn’t care anymore. His world was crashing down around him and he wasn’t interested in following the rules. He returned to his quarters, and locked himself in.

The next twenty-six hours were a parade of people visiting him. Miles had warned him that the “Cardie” couldn’t be trusted. Jadzia called it an abusive relationship. Sisko and Kira and Odo came by, asking if he intended to return to work. Perhaps he was on strike. He wasn’t sure himself yet.

So, he couldn’t perform his duty to his state or his loved ones. Elim had justified attempting to kill him for that very reason. Julian also happened to know about the secret compartment in their quarters contained hyposprays of both poisons and antidotes common in the Obsidian Order.

Did Elim want him to die? Julian was going to find out. The Obsidian Order had a form of suicide pill that induced coma, followed by death after nine hours. This left time for an operative to be revived if they were rescued. Their captor would know that they weren’t dead, but would be unable to gain information from a comatose individual. Elim knew the poison and the antidote that would be used to revive an operative. These drugs were unknown to the Federation. If he swallowed one of those pills, no one in the infirmary would be able to save him, but Elim could. If Sisko cared enough about Julian not to let him die, he’d let Elim out of his cell to revive him. If Elim, seeing a suicide attempt, didn’t believe that Julian would be better off dead, he’d revive him and he’d put up a fight to be able to do so.

Julian felt manipulative and dangerous. As he swallowed the pill and collapsed just before reaching his bed, he wondered if Elim might actually be proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's a good reason to be mad at almost everyone here. I hope Sisko, Miles, and Jadzia didn't come across as stubborn obstacles. In this sort of situation, as a Reasonable Space Dad and two supportive friends, it would make sense to see Garak as a potential threat to Julian, since he nearly killed him.
> 
> Kudos and Comments combat the author's irrational fear that she's just screaming into the void, despite the obvious increases in view count :)


	22. A Test For Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Narin makes a new friend and they find Julian and alert Garak to his condition. But, Odo's not just going to let his prisoner go right away.
> 
> CW: Aftermath of suicide attempt, behavior that could be considered self-harm in protest

Narin, as a civilian living on the station, didn’t receive news very quickly. But, there was a chain that news went through to reach him. Kira would tell Ziyal about something and she’d come over to tell Mursa, letting the message be passed on to Narin. 

It was late at night. Mursa was in bed. Ziyal would’ve definitely known this, but she insisted on coming in and speaking to Narin.

“Garak’s been arrested.”

Ziyal told the whole story. Garak had tried to kill the Founders for threatening to kill the Cardassians and had earned himself six months in a cell for it. To make matters worse, Julian was on the Founders’ planet when Garak tried to destroy it. He knew that, but he continued for Cardassia’s sake.

Julian. He’d been in a fragile mental state. How was he handling this? Narin thought to ask his Counselor, but those sorts of things tended to be confidential. But, he also had a feeling that this was an emergency and Counselor Razha, not being from the Federation, might be more flexible in this case.

…

“Vara, the station is sleeping. I can’t carry this conversation any longer. Give Lae and Kae and Éskan and all the others my love, okay?”

Razha enjoyed contacting her friends on her home planet whenever she got the chance. Trapisans rarely strayed far from home alone. But, Razha thought she could be of service to Bajorans recovering from the Occupation. Peaceful Trapis IV wasn’t a stressful place, so she’d had little work there. She was bored and decided to see the universe.

And then: company. Razha had never had company before. She saw her patients in her office. She spent time discussing work with other Counselors over lunch at the replimat. But, otherwise, she kept to herself. Now, someone was at her door after-hours. It was a Cardassian man, not one of patients. Her only Cardassian patient, Elim, of a family called Garak, was apparently in some sort of legal trouble and her advice on the situation was unwanted. Humans, like the autocrat who ran the station, had poor understanding of mental health and would often ignore it if someone did something abnormally destructive. 

“Hello. Do I know you?”

“My name is Narin Devar. I’m a friend of Mr. Garak and Doctor Bashir, two of your patients.”

“And you’re concerned with their mental state in relation to the Elim Garak’s arrest.”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad that someone is. Do come in. May I refer to you as Narin? This insistence on familial names and added honorifics is still foreign to me.”

“Go ahead. I’d rather not be associated with my family, to be honest.”

“I understand. Julian mentioned an Ortek Devar as your relative and he sounded like someone to avoid associating with.”

“Exactly. How is Julian, by the way? Has he seen you since he returned from the Gamma Quadrant?”

“No. I’ve been worried about him. Has he returned to work?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t seen him in the infirmary. I don’t think he’s left his quarters at all.”

“The poor man…Why don’t we visit him? If he’s been too upset to speak to anyone, he’s probably not in the state of mind to be left alone for too long. He’s mentioned having suicidal thoughts to me before and that alone is reason to worry.”

“Why didn’t you check on him earlier?”

“I wanted to, but I’m an outsider on this station. I knew that I wouldn't be allowed. The station autocrats don't listen to me. The Starfleet people don’t trust me and, for the most part, I don’t trust them. They’re bitter about our refusal to join the Federation and we’re admittedly quite bitter about the Refugee Crisis of 2251.”

“Never heard of that one.”

“It’s a long story. Let’s just say that around a decade before the Federation was formed, a Human ship exploring the Beta Quadrant made a huge mistake and we were the ones who decided to clean up their mess.”

“As much as I’d love to continue this history lesson, we’d better check on Julian.”

“You’re right. I apologize. I’ve been known to ramble a little.”

Razha and Narin hurried. Julian didn’t answer the door and Razha used her medical override. Mental health emergencies could be as deadly as physical ones, so she was allowed to do that. It was clearly the right choice. Julian was lying next to his bed, a spilled bottle of pills next to his hand. It was pretty obvious what had happened. 

Razha hurried to her patient’s side and Narin picked up the pill bottle. It was unmarked, most likely something that Garak kept around. Since most drugs were taken in hyposprays, pills were rarely found lying around like this. Were these suicide pills from the Obsidian Order? Some kind of drug that could be overdosed on? How many did Julian take?

“Is he dead?”

“No, but I can’t wake him. I think he’s comatose. We have to get him to the infirmary.”

“Contact Chief O’Brien and have him beam us there.”

Razha found Julian’s combadge, not having one of her own.

“Razha to O’Brien? Razha to O’Brien!”

He’d obviously been asleep.

“What is it?”

“Is there someone who can beam three directly to the infirmary?”

Razha had no idea how the schedule of the station worked outside of her own business. The place was just too confusing, turning off the lights outside of quarters during sleeping hours and having people in charge of other people in charge of things. But, she knew how to speed things up here. Counselor Telnorri had informed her that the Miles O’Brien was a close friend of Julian.

“Why not ask whoever’s on duty?”

“I thought you’d want to know. It’s Julian. He’s comatose.”

“Shit! I’ll be right there.”

Though it was completely unnecessary, the Miles O’Brien came running to Julian’s quarters in a panic. Razha understood why. He had an Amaros whose name was not Ensign beam them all to the infirmary. The staff sprang into action, barely giving them any time to explain the situation. The Miles O’Brien started calling in other members of the senior staff, others who’d be concerned with Julian’s well-being. Razha had to remind everyone, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, not to crowd the infirmary.

Meanwhile, Narin took off. Razha knew that he intended to inform the Elim Garak, who was the one most likely to recognize the pills that Julian took and had a strong emotional connection with him. She hoped that would save his life.

…

“Constable! I need to speak to Garak. Now. It’s urgent.”

“It will have to wait until visiting hours.”

“Doctor Bashir is dying!”

Garak could hear the commotion from his cell. He was wide awake and on his feet. This was all his fault. Julian knew he’d betrayed him. Now he was willing to die because he believed that it was what Garak wanted it.

“Constable, you need to let me go to him.”

“You have the right to know what’s happening, but I can’t just release you in the middle of the night.”

“Tell me why he’s dying.”

Narin pushed Odo aside, which was easy to do now that he was a Solid, and went to face Garak in his cell.

“We think he took some pills in your quarters to induce an overdose. It was a suicide attempt.”

Just as Garak had already guessed. But, the suicide weapon coming from their quarters meant something important. Julian had access to all the drugs in the infirmary and knew which drugs would kill him and the right doses to insure that he died. He took a risk on whatever Garak had lying around. Garak had told him about the various poisons and their antidotes. Most of them were hyposprays, but there were cronovotine pills in there as well. The Obsidian Order used two types of suicide pills. If he’d used promazine, he would’ve been dead and turned to dust before anyone found him. He must’ve used cronovotine, knowing that Garak would be able to revive him before time ran out.

This was a test. Julian wasn’t sure if Garak wanted him to die and was testing him. Garak was happy that Worf had stopped him and was even happier that he was being punished for it. He couldn’t let Julian die. He wouldn’t let Julian die. The only problem was getting out of his cell and getting the antidote from his quarters.

“Let me out of this cell, Odo. I’m the only one who can save him.”

“If the cure is stashed away in your quarters, I can easily have it retrieved for you, but without Captain Sisko’s permission, I can’t let you go, and even if I did, the Captain ordered me to keep you separated from Doctor Bashir for the next six months.”

“To hell with your orders!”

Garak knew it was another act of insanity, but he charged into the forcefield. He had no chance of breaking through, but there was a chance that it would send a message.

“Garak, this is insane!”

“He knows. If Julian was nearby, he’d be consumed by Rakret H’ssti’er by now.”

“I don’t see why it makes such a difference who gives the Doctor the antidote.”

The forcefield burned. Garak had no idea how he was still standing, let alone able to talk.

“You don’t…understand!…If it’s not me…he’ll do it again…Let…me…out!”

Out of breath and covered in burns, Garak collapsed. When he came to, he was right back on his feet, ready to charge at the forcefield again.

“Constable, I’m not about to stop. Either you drop the forcefield or I’ll die trying to escape, taking the knowledge of how to save Julian with me. We’ll be together one way or another. Make your choice, Constable.”

“Odo, please! Your orders aren’t worth getting two people killed.”

Garak fell to the floor with no forcefield to push against. Everything that touched his bare skin stung like fire. Still, he forced himself to his feet and headed for the door.

“I won’t waste a second longer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another OC! The Trapisans are a group of aliens that I've been sort of fleshing out ideas for, so they'll show up from time to time, but I'll try not to let them take over the entire story. They're a We're Not Evil But We Just Don't Want to Join the Federation group. If anyone actually wants to here more about them, I can include it in the story, but because I don't want them to take over, I will only include whatever exposition people are interested in.


	23. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reviving Julian turns out not to be as easy as Garak would've hoped.

There were too many people in the infirmary. The Benjamin Sisko was trying to control the traffic. The couple called O’Brien were right up front, next to the Trill blend of Jadzia and Dax. She was speaking to Worf in Klingon. Ziyal had woken up Mursa and they were there with Narin and Nerys.

Julian’s condition appeared to be stable, but there was no getting him out of that coma. The Elim Garak knew how to save him, but it took him a bit of time to get ready. When he ran in with Odo, he had to push through crowds of people. Razha joined the Benjamin Sisko in calling for people to move out of the way. One by one, the crowd dispersed.

“Mursa, you should be in bed. We’ll see Julian again in the morning.”

“Will he be alright, Father?”

“I don’t know, but I think he will be.”

“Jadzia, you should rest. There’s nothing we can do for him now.”

“Ziyal!”

“I want to stay with Garak!”

"Hey, Ziyal? Garak's probably gonna need some space to work. May I walk you home?"

The Benjamin Sisko’s son, Jake, walked Ziyal home. Nerys followed.

“Miles, I think we should go home too.”

“I can’t leave Julian like this!”

“You’re not a doctor. You can’t do anything to help him.”

“I can be there when he wakes up. I can keep Garak from trying to kill him again.”

“I don’t think Garak’s going to try to kill him again. He came running here to save his life.”

The O’Briens bickered until the Benjamin Sisko ordered Miles to leave.

It seemed like the antidote was more complicated than a simple hypospray. It had to be administered within nine hours of the poison being ingested. From what the infirmary staff could tell, Julian had taken the poison early in the evening. He wasn’t found until the middle of the night and all the commotion wasted even more time. No one was sure exactly how much time Julian had left, but it wasn’t very much.

When Julian didn’t react to the hypospray, Razha wondered if it was too late. But, he wasn't dying any faster, so she thought that it might be something else.

“Perhaps it’s Human physiology. The antidote might have to be modified to treat a different species.”

The Elim Garak quickly put the doctors to work on adapting the antidote for Human use. Razha tried to help in whatever way she could, but she knew very little about Human bodies, only that their internal structure was fairly similar to Trapisan with the major organs all in the same places. Humans had a different white-to-red blood cell ratio and their brain chemistry was more consistent with major deviations being somewhat rare. None of this had anything to do with the poison.

Cronovotine was some sort of neurotoxin, according to the medical jargon that Razha could actually decipher. Cardassian and Human brains were similar enough for the poison to have the same effect on both, so the antidote should’ve been the same. Razha suspected that this was an abnormality specific to Julian, not to all Humans. Despite all of this, the Elim Garak would not allow the doctors to scan Julian’s brain. Perhaps he knew about the abnormality and it was some sort of personal matter. Razha decided that questioning it would only mean wasting more valuable time.

“We’ve got an hour, two if we’re lucky.”

“Cardassians don’t believe in luck.”

“Trapisans do, so I’ll hope for it anyway.”

…

“I can’t come to the station now. You know how important this is.”

“Please, Kelas. We need a doctor who can be discreet. From what the Obsidian Order has learned about Julian Bashir, I think we both know why the antidote is failing and we need a doctor who’s at least aware of it to help.”

“I’ll send you an encrypted message with information that might help. Garak should be able to understand it.”

“If that’s really the best you can do.”

“Speaking of things we can do, contact Mathen for me. There’s someone seeking asylum there that I wish to talk to.”

…

Garak wouldn’t have bothered to check the message forwarded to his padd at all if it weren’t for Counselor Razha feeling useless and deciding to do it for him.

“It’s from Narin. It’s a forwarded message from a scrambled address. The message looks pretty scrambled too.”

“Give me that.”

It was from Parmak. He developed a formula to modify the antidote to factor in Julian’s genetic enhancements. Garak had the formula prepared and the hypo was ready just as Julian’s vital signs began to slip. There was a chance that he was too late.

…

_“Julian…”_

Julian had just been floating in the dark for a long time. He’d forgotten why he was there. It felt like a strange sort of dream. But, as the dream went on, it became harder to float. Now Julian was sinking into the nothingness below him. He’d drown in it. Somehow, he knew that if he drowned here, he wouldn’t wake up anywhere ever again.

_“I didn’t mean it. Oh God…I didn’t mean it!”_

There was a voice echoing off the invisible walls. Julian knew he’d heard the voice before. He wanted to listen to the voice. He wanted to reach out and touch the source of it, but he couldn’t see anything he could touch. He was alone in the dark, the darkness itself swallowing him. It was some kind of ocean and the darkness had a warm, liquid texture. It wasn’t quite like water, though. Was this what the Great Link was like?

_“Fight it off, Julian. I know you can. You’re strong. Remember the Lethean attack? You survived that.”_

Julian reached towards where the voice was coming from. It was up in the sky. He managed to reach one hand above the darkness. Maybe the voice could grab it and save him. He tried to call out to the voice, forgetting that he was drowning and letting darkness fill his lungs. He wasn’t breathing.

It was cold beneath the darkness. The air around the one hand he’d managed to keep above the surface was even colder.

_“JUli’an…Nu ka odo tascerd’U.”_

The words weren’t in Standard, but Julian knew them. They were comforting. He tried to stretch his hand further, feeling for something to hold on to.

_“Betbar he’betbre…”_

Something warm brushed against the tips of his fingers. He struggled to reach it.

_“HoCha perin he’pe’ve…”_

The warmth was a hand that was now holding onto his. Their fingers were laced together.

_“Ka nu bramik he’nu gamik…”_

Julian held on as tightly as he could. He felt himself being slowly lifted out of the darkness.

_“Sufad’fer’em he’sufad’urm’em…”_

His head was above the darkness now. It poured out of his lungs and he could breathe again.

_“Nu ka nu zIraik haz’I…”_

A sturdy body embraced him, cradling him, and the darkness retreated.

_“Tasces jaka plesajuq’U…”_

Julian began to remember. Elim. The voice was Elim.

_“Tasces ka bre’U…”_

The pill. He’d tried to kill himself. He wanted Elim to save him.

_“Nu ka kret h’ssti’er.”_

Elim had saved him.

…

Garak could feel Julian squeezing his hand. His vitals were returning to normal. 

“Elim?”

“Julian!”

Garak wanted to hold him tighter, but he was weak and he wouldn’t risk hurting him again.

“You’re not dead either.”

“We’re both alive, yes.”

“I didn’t want to leave you.”

“I know you didn’t. I didn’t want to leave you either. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, but Cardassia was calling for me. I had to be stopped.”

“Do they understand now? Jadzia called you abusive and Sisko didn’t want me to see you and I wanted them to understand. I wanted to prove it, to them, to you, to myself. I wanted to prove that you wouldn’t let me die, even if it seemed like I wanted to.”

“I knew that you were testing me. If you weren’t, you would’ve taken something more immediately deadly than cronovotine.”

“And I knew you’d understand. You actually understand me. That’s the thing with freaks like me. We spend our whole lives just trying to be understood.”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s that they can’t understand you. It’s that they don’t want to.”

“Like they don’t want to understand Cardassians.”

“A people who talk about embracing diversity and wanting to explore and learn, and there are still things they simply don’t want to understand.”

“But, after everything that’s happened now, if they still don’t want to understand, you’ll be back in a cell and I’ll be shipped off to a mental hospital somewhere, where they’ll probably discover my enhancements and I’ll never be allowed to leave.”

“Then, whether they want to or not, we’ll make them understand.”


	24. One Who Severs a Broken Limb Bleeds Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian spend a month in a mental hospital on a distant planet. Julian gets comfortable, Garak learns about the locals, and they receive a few visitors.

Julian was starting to grow comfortable on Trapis IV. The hospital was unlike any hospital he’d ever been in. He’d compare it to a resort, but it was too quiet to resemble that either.

Julian and Elim had been sentenced to a month of therapeutic treatment at a hospital. After that, Elim would do five months of community service on the station. Counselor Razha volunteered the facility she worked at on her home planet, so they went there. Razha stayed on Deep Space Nine to continue her work there. Their counselor on Trapis IV was named Sirísa. Julian found their personalities to be nearly identical and wondered if he should be upset by that.

The hospital wasn’t strict. Julian and Elim were allowed to stay together as long as they didn’t disturb the other patients. Julian, who hadn’t committed any violent acts, was allowed to go out and explore the community from time to time. He made friends with a few of the locals and learned quite a bit about Trapisan culture. He also had therapy, a lot of which he felt he didn’t really need, but perhaps that was a sign that he needed it even more.

Elim took slightly longer to adjust. The Trapisans preferred cooler temperatures, though they seemed to have Cardassian preferences for lighting. He also wasn’t fond of the local food.

“I don’t understand how they expect me to live off of sugar and water!”

“They don’t. Djar isn’t the only thing they’re offering.”

“Yes, there’s also purple fruit, green berries, what appears to be dry grass, and bread.”

“I thought you liked the minnows. I know Cardassians prefer a bit more meat in their diets compared to Trapisans.”

These arguments happened less and less over time, as the replicators were modified for a more diverse selection of foods.

Talks with Sirísa were the majority of Julian’s therapy sessions. Both Julian and Elim were uncomfortable answering her questions about their pasts. Sirísa eventually came to accept that with Elim, but Julian told her far more than he’d intended to, after it became clear that she knew basically nothing about Federation law. He kept it vague, but his therapist knew that his parents used illegal methods as a way of “correcting” him.

Julian felt better, more relaxed, though he still hadn’t really learned anything to help him remain that way.

…

Garak didn’t care about therapy. His father was mean and his mother let it happen, but talking about that wasn’t going to save Cardassia. He decided to focus more on keeping up with the news, not letting himself be isolated from the rest of the galaxy. It wasn’t easy. The locals didn’t seem to know very much about anything that happened outside their own system, and a good number of them didn’t even care. He’d never been to a planet of people who seemed determined to be of no political relevance what-so-ever.

The main reason that the Trapisans seemed to have no news about the rest of the galaxy was that they didn’t seem to like anyone in it. They didn’t like the Ferengi because their approaches to economics were so different as to be completely incomprehensible to one another. They didn’t like Klingons, Romulans, or Cardassians because they created empires. These judgemental attitudes resembled those of the Federation, but they didn’t like them either. One of Garak’s primary news sources explained the whole thing. 

“They claim democracy but their Starfleet, which dominates their democratic government has an autocratic power structure. Furthermore, even though they’re democratically elected, all pivotal decisions that decide the fate of hundreds of planets are made by just a handful of people, often those from a political caste that leaves them socially distant from the people they represent. At least they’re trying, I suppose.”

This news source, a friend that Julian made, loved to talk about politics and was as talkative as Julian was. She talked about the cultures of different worlds the same way he talked about medical science. A lot of Trapisans were like that about one thing or another and it didn’t help the the Universal Translator seemed to turn everything they said into pedantic, Vulcan-like lecturing.

But, at least this girl, Ruvara, was cooperative.

“War between the Alpha and Gamma Quadrants is an inevitability at this point. We’re planning to hold a meeting to decide upon our course of action. I’m actually all for allying with the Federation. Though they’re deeply in denial about it, they’re a strong military power and they technically own the sector that the Trapis System is within. It would also be good to have the other major military powers on our side, though since most of them are based in the Beta Quadrant, they might decide not to help.”

“What about the Cardassians?”

“I know that you most likely don’t want to hear this, but you’re no longer a major military power and honestly, you never really were. You’re military is stronger than many in the surrounding area, but you lack the resources to keep a strong military. You have to use your military to obtain the supplies you need to maintain it. They fact that you’ve managed to do so is borderline miraculous.”

“It’s not a miracle. The Cardassian people are strong.”

“The people might be strong, but the planet is weak.”

“As opposed to a planet were civilization can barely thrive due to erratic weather and solar flares?”

“I never said that we were strong. We don’t have to be. That’s the thing about intelligent life. Every sapient species has its own way of surviving. Humans survive on luck and determination, Betazoids have abnormal powers, Vulcans have their philosophy, Ferengi create and maintain an artificial construct that makes others dependent on them, the Bajorans have the Prophets, Romulans and Klingons have different skills in violence, Cardassians have the state, and Trapisans survive because we’re together. A community of weak people is one strong being.”

“I’ve noticed something strange about everyone here and community. Cardassians, Humans, and Trapisans all believe in community, but they all seem to apply different meanings to it. Cardassians believe in community as the people unified beneath the state. Humans see it as some sort of abstract place were individual ideas meet and play off of one another. Trapisans see it as…I don’t actually know how to describe it.”

“We’re taught that our community is like a body. Each person is a cell, a sort of life-form all by itself, but all are needed to sustain the community that they’re a part of. At the same time, taking care of the body, the community, means making sure that all of it is healthy. A strong community responds to a weak or sick part by taking care of it. There’s a saying that ‘One who severs a broken limb bleeds out.’ So, each person benefits from the community’s care, which they all contribute to.”

The talk was interrupted by the arrival of Kelas Parmak, of all people. Ruvara saw the other Cardassian and quickly put two and two together.

“I believe you have a visitor. I’ll return to my work.”

“Doctor Parmak, I’m surprised to see you in this neighborhood.”

“Find Julian. There’s something we need to discuss.”

The trio met up in a private conference room. Garak and Julian sat on a bench at the table, confused, while Parmak stepped outside to talk someone. Apparently he wasn’t the only Cardassian visitor.

Two more Cardassians, a man and a young woman, followed Parmak when he returned to the conference room. They both looked familiar to Garak in different ways. The man seemed to find Garak equally familiar.

“Elim Garak…Ten Lubak, is that you?”

“Yes. You were, Five, I believe.”

“I was. My real name is Alon Ghemor. I work for the Cardassian Intelligence Bureau, a sort of sequel to the Obsidian Order.”

“And the young lady beside you?”

“My cousin, Iliana.”

Iliana turned to him in a rage.

“That’s still not my name!” 


	25. Our Cardassian Spies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are sorted out with the Ghemor family and everyone decides which Cardassian is going where.
> 
> CW: References to atrocities committed by Dukat, including rape. I decided to keep this indirect because I didn't think we really needed details about it.

“Iliana, I thought you remembered.”

“I remember both. How am I supposed to know which memories are actually mine?”

Kelas and Alon were capable of getting Iliana to calm down, but only to a certain extent. She’d become very attached to the identity of Kira Nerys and wasn’t ready to believe that it wasn’t her. But, Kelas believed that would change. Learning that she as Iliana had surviving family members that refused to believe that she was dead would help. Before Dukat got involved, the life of Iliana Ghemor had gone far better than the life of Kira Nerys. The latter grew up in poverty under violent oppression and became a terrorist while she was still a child. The former was sheltered and came from a wealthy family. There had been tragedies in her life before Dukat and Letau, but given the choice between the two lives, Iliana had the better one. Once she realized that, she’d begin to believe in that life.

The confused identity wasn’t the only reason that Kelas had Iliana taken to a mental hospital immediately after she was rescued. She’d spent eleven years alone in a cell or, when Dukat visited, wishing she was alone in that cell. She saw the side of the man that he hid from everyone else. Even the Bajorans he had slaughtered saw him calmly give the orders. His harem of Bajoran mistresses were usually coerced, manipulated into serving him, without much violence. If Dukat had treated anyone else the way he’d treated Iliana, they didn’t survive it.

Kelas deliberately tried not to think about the injuries he’d treated when Dukat first introduced him to Iliana. She pleaded with him to kill her after she failed to kill herself. He couldn’t do that, but he intended to save her somehow, even while he still believed she was Kira Nerys. Learning her true identity meant that rescuing her could be a strike against Dukat.

Kelas tried to get help from the Obsidian Order and managed to communicate briefly with Pythas Lok, but after losing contact with him, he needed to find help elsewhere to accomplish his rescue mission. The fact that the new government was trying to eliminate all remaining traces of the Order didn’t help. But, the member of that government managing that task just happened to be Iliana’s cousin. He had the democratic politics of his uncle, was disappointed that the new government wasn’t really any different from the old, and also wanted to know what had happened to his missing relative. Alon and Kelas rallied the surviving members of the Order, the ones Alon was supposed to kill, and offered to spare their lives if they assisted in the rescue. After the work was done, they were all given passage to various Cardassian colonies where government officials could be paid to not turn them in.

Kelas had contacted Tekeny Ghemor and the Mathenite government was transferring him to Trapis IV, where he could stay close to his daughter while she recovered. Iliana had been in the Order at the same time that Garak was, so he also hoped that he could help her in some way.

When Tekeny Ghemor arrived, Iliana recognized him. Kelas was pretty sure that if he hadn’t appeared, Iliana wouldn’t have been able to accept her identity. She was happy to see her father, though she was still troubled. She wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. She wouldn’t let anyone, not even her father, touch her. This part was never easy. Kelas remembered having to tell people what’d happened to their sons and daughters and husbands and wives and brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers when Tain targeted them.

…

_2361:_

_Kelas watched Athrel Sar tremble as he followed Garak to the cell where his wife had been taken. She’d only been there for one night, but Sar had offended Tain greatly, so the damage was extensive._

_Sar didn’t need to be told what happened. He breathed over his so’c and his fists clenched in repressed rage. He wanted to kill the men who’d done this, but he valued his own life enough to force himself not to._

_Kelas went out that night to the Torin estate, the home of Nassa Sar’s parents. When he told them what’d happened to their daughter, the mother, a frail old woman, wept. Her husband, Orsik, took Kelas aside and revealed that he was part of a movement to do away with the Obsidian Order and their barbarism. Kelas had the advantage of being close to the leader of the Order, so he joined the movement to help. He was caught only months later, but it was worth it._

…

Tekeny failed to hide his despair when he learned of what’d happened to Iliana. Dukat’s mark burned his so’c and he saw the scars that Kelas hadn't been able to erase.

“I’d stopped searching. I should never have stopped searching. If I’d found you sooner…”

“You still would’ve been too late. I was there for eleven years, Father. It was too late to stop it when I’d been there for less than a week. Stop crying over me!”

Kelas knew that Tekeny’s tears reminded Iliana of her own. Realizing that they’d need to be spoken to separately, Alon stepped up to look after his cousin.

“Iliana, if you’d please follow me, I believe your room is ready.”

“Another cell?”

“No. You won’t be put in a cell again.”

“How am I supposed to believe you? You’re all liars!”

She referred to Cardassians, speaking as an immature Kira yet again.

“We took you out of your cell, remember? We left the prison to go here. It’s safe for you here.”

“Dukat’s going to hunt me down.”

“He won’t be able to reach you here. I promise. Now, let’s go.”

The younger Ghemors left. Garak followed. Kelas saw Julian, another doctor, try to help Tekeny.

“I have no idea exactly how you feel, nor how Iliana feels, but I know something similar. I was kidnapped and held prisoner by Enabran Tain a little over a year ago. It was because of Elim, because of our relationship. He wanted to hurt him through me as a means of keeping his loyalty.”

“You’re in a relationship with Elim Garak? Young man, do you have any idea what he-“

“Yes. I know exactly who he is. But, when I was captured, being tortured, and I called for him, it triggered Rakret H’ssti’er and he saved my life. Elim is a liar, he’s not trustworthy, but I know that he’d never hurt me. He tried to not that long ago. He couldn’t. So, I, as an individual, don’t have to be afraid of him.”

“Then all of Cardassia should be afraid of you.”

“Perhaps. Personally, I wouldn’t harm anybody. That goes against the Hippocratic Oath.”

“Very well.”

“All I wanted to say is that Tain did things to me that were quite similar to what Dukat did to your daughter. It happened only once and it broke me. To survive eleven years of that speaks to Iliana’s strength. She’ll recover, as long as you’re there for her.”

“Julian, I’ve just been informed that we’ll be returning to the station the day after tomorrow and that Doctor Parmak will be joining us. With all the chaos on the station, having more than one good doctor around will be useful, especially one who can help the growing Cardassian population on the station.”

“So, Tekeny is staying here with Iliana and Parmak is going back with us. What about Alon?”

“He’ll be needed on Cardassia. I’m sure he’ll send us news updates, especially if it involves Dukat.”

“So, our Cardassian spies are spread out across the Alpha Quadrant.”

“Yes, and most of them are amateurs.”

“I’m sure you could teach Parmak how to be a decent spy. You’ve already taught me lots of things.”

“Most of the things I’ve taught you are very personal.”

“Not the surveillance techniques.”

“Those are very personal!”

“How so? Are they trademarked by the Obsidian Order?”

“They were a reason to spirit you away into an abandoned corner to do things that I didn’t have the courage to actually do to you.”

“Really? You should’ve gone ahead. It would’ve been very exciting.”

“Are you suggesting that I should’ve tried to seduce you back then?”

“I wasn’t exactly waiting for you to do it, but if you did try to seduce me, you probably would’ve succeeded.”

“Don’t mind me. I’ll pretend I’m not eavesdropping.” Parmak said. Julian laughed.

“Once again, we’re caught flirting by a third party who speaks Kardasi and Standard, so we have no way to hide it.”

Garak pulled Julian into his arms and kissed him while looking directly at Kelas.

“We’ve failed to keep this one a secret, so I really don’t care anymore.”

Julian decided not to kill the mood by being worried about Elim Garak not wanting to keep a secret. He embraced his lover and the moment with pride and joy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely satisfied with this ending. I went off my outline and I wasn't sure how to end the story.
> 
> Because the Beta Canon characters are in different situations than they were in Beta Canon, and because I lack access to the books the characters came from, the characterizations might be slightly off, but they work for my purposes.
> 
> There will be more fics in this series. The next will go through Season 5 and will feature Garak searching for a kidnapped Julian, Julian surviving a Dominion Prison Camp, Ziyal working through her daddy issues, and Kira and Iliana figuring out how to acknowledge one another when they've both spent years as the same person.
> 
> I love comments and hope to get some :)


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